Adam Sandler

The hilarious star of Billy Elliot
*special introductory paragraph!
*They're All Gonna Laugh At You!
*What The Hell Happened To Me?
*What's Your Name?
*Stan And Judy's Kid
*Shhh...Don't Tell

Some people think Adam Sandler is a frat boy buffoon slob who gets his laughs by resorting to violent, profane and childish idiocy. But there are those of us that consider him among the leading contenders in today's (or at least a few year's ago's) rejuvenated comedy scene. Maybe we don't have a young Chevy Chase or Ted Knight or Rodney Dangerfield to crack us up anymore, but with uproariously oddball funnymen like Sandler, Norm McDonald and NOT that asshole irritant dickhead on Just Shoot Me, the world of comedy is at an exciting peak of an all-time low with everybody sucking complete dogcrotch except Adam Sandler and Norm McDonald, who rule.

And Robin Williams, who was fuckin hilarious in Doctor Smiley Asshole or whatever that piece of shit was called.

Reader Comments
Its billy MADISON, not elliot!! (Laurel Durrett)
Billy Madison NOT Billy Elliot

They're All Gonna Laugh At You! - Warner Bros. 1993
Rating = 7

Let me start by saying that Adam Sandler's appeal is his delivery more than the actual jokes. THIS IS KEY. If you were to see a written script of something like "Oh Mom." (in which a mother continuously yells at her kids, "THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!" like the mother in Carrie) or "The Longest Pee" (exactly what you would predict that it might be), your lip would likely curl and perchance you would wrinkle your nose in disgust. Hell, you might even take a SHIT on my LEG!

What it is, is a bunch of silly little songs and bizarre, profane Saturday Night Live-esque skits (featuring lots of guest voices like Rob Schneider, David Spade, Tim Meadows and Conan O'Brien, who apparently hosts an early morning radio program of some sort). The ridiculous moments are sublime - the assistant principal moving the girls' locker room to his office, Mr. Spindel (rhymes with Prindle!) getting so upset at receiving a prank phone call that he continues to scream and cry, "WHO IS THIS?" for several minutes after the caller has hung up, Toll Booth Willie getting called every filthy name in the book by every motorist for a reason that is never explained.. This stuff somehow *works*. It shouldn't, but Adam is the King of Funny Characters. His recurring character on this one is an absolute hoot - he is "The Buffoon," a Hispanic-sounding character who, in conversations with the Dean of Admissions, the Valedictorian and others, continually shouts out lewd non-sequitors like "KATHLEEN TURNER HAS BIG FUCKING TITS!" Does that sound funny? Of course it doesn't. But he makes it funny, because he's a great comedy actor. Comedy WRITER? So-so. But HOOEE does he make those characters come to life! Just like GE - they bring good things to life! At least they did in the 70s. I don't really know what they do now. Aside from LAYING MY MOTHER OFF, THE HEARTLESS FUCKS. HEY - IF YOU'RE A BIGWIG AT GE AND YOU'RE READING THIS RIGHT NOW - EAT A DICK!

But it's not all wacky skits. There is also some real GARBAGE on here. Stuff that you can't believe anybody could find funny. Like "I'm So Wasted," where a mean guy keeps telling a dorky guy that he's not really stoned, drunk, etc. It's mean-spirited and boring - not at all entertaining. Or "The Cheerleader," where an annoying cheerleader gets yelled at. Joke? Non-existent. Or how about the recurring "The Beating Of.." skits, wherein a bunch of different characters get beaten up really bad. Okay, a couple of lines here and there are hilarious - especially the science teacher smugly saying, "Zinc is by far the best element. I also like Plutonium. It's just fun to say. `How's your Plutonium?' `Fine, thank you!'" and the janitor shouting, "Let go of my sideburns!" while he's being ravaged. But come on. It's just a bunch of sound effects of people being beaten up. L-l-l-l-l-l-l-not funny!

Covered that, covered that, now let's talk about the songs. "Food Innuendo Guy" - frigking HILARIOUS blues/rock clich‚ with lyrics like "Baby baby baby you got honeydew melons/Baby baby baby can't you see my broccoli swellin!" "The Thanksgiving Song" - OVERRATED WORTHLESS CRAP. It's just Adam being all cutesy, rhyming lines about Thanksgiving with lines that have nothing to do with Thanksgiving - and AREN'T FUNNY. If you like it, you're an asshole. Eat a dick! Next song - the love ballad "At A Medium Pace" - filth for filth's sake and funny for pete's sake. Sample leeric: "Honey, rub your beaver up and down my face/Sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off." Last two songs are cutesy piles of fanny hair. "Lunchlady Land" and "My Little Chicken"? More like "Punchgrady Hand" and "Pie Shittle Dickin," if you ask a guy who can't think of anything clever to say!

Eat a dick!

I can't remember who introduced me to the brilliant phrase "Eat a dick," but I'd like to think it was a Pastor.

Reader Comments
Hilarious album! Ive been listening to this sucker for years, it has been dear to me all threw high school. The "Buffoon" series is probably my favorite on here. I dont know why this stuff is so hilarious to me! Maybe its his voice! Just some guy saying stuff like "I GOT A BIG FUCKIN' BONER RIGHT NOW!", but it rules! I agree out of the songs "Food Innuendo Guy" and "At A Medium Pace" are the best, but i can honestly say (i know, i AM an asshole!) that i dont mind "Thanksgiving Song" at all, even though it is dumb! The "beatings" were damn funny first time i heard them, but their appeal lost it on me ever since. Ohh and your right about the cheerleading skit. Pointless! I like the "Im So Wasted" skit cuz there is yet another reprise of the Buffoon! I love that guy! I give it an 8.

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What The Hell Happened To Me? - Warner Bros. 1996
Rating = 7

Album two is just like album one, but twoer. Some of the shit is OH! GOD! You'll be laughing like you just drove a stove through a grocery store! This whole bit about this guy making his friend join a religious cult because "THERE'S A GIRL I WANNA MEET!" The bunch of mobsters all yelling at their stupid friend for saying stupid things to a five-year-old boy ("Gotta respect the condom!"). The carload of horny pushing-30 guys slowly but surely one by one reminiscing about old men's assholes. The nice all-American family who don't know how to politely deal with their loud Jewish mother who constantly asks them to relieve stress by playing with their "COCK AND BALLS!". The pervert playing tapes of people having sex and claiming that they're all tapes of people working out in a gym, regardless of such on-tape moans as, "We are definitely fucking! There's no barbells in here! There's just my balls!" In other words, "humor" that is so uproariously tacky and worthless, you'll want to listen to it over and over and over again (especially the part at the end of "Sex Or Weight Lifting" where the pervert fucks a female stranger on the street until she declares, "Squirt it all over me!" A skit written by guys? NO! GIRLS ALWAYS SAY THAT WHEN YOU ASK THEM TO CLOSE THEIR EYES AND THEN YOU STICK YOUR KNIFE (penis) IN THEIR SALAD! (hair eclaire)).

In other funny news, the recurring character on this one is the "Excited Southerner" who gets himself into all manner of predicaments by annoying authority figures with his ridiculous stammering, Cajun-style word blabber. Personally, I find it hilarious the way he spits out funny little comments between his heavy breathing and New Orleans "hoo!"s (sample: when he meets Mel Gibson, he quickly spits a bunch of half-connected phrases including "Bird On A Wire! Not too good.".). Anybody who doesn't like this character, may ye be damned to an eternity in HELLth class.

I actually got in trouble in middle school once for writing that on the front of my health class notebook. My teacher was an ugly, worthless lesbian whore.

But once again, some of the skits seem less "funny" than "unfunny." Like "The Goat," where Adam plays the role of a talking goat who sounds like Cheech Marin. He's a cute character and seems like a nice goat but there isn't a single laugh to be found. Even worse is "The Adventures Of The Cow," which is just a bunch of cowbell noises, moos and boring sound effects, with all the comedic charm of Craig Kilborn. Ooo! Or the WORST - a 15-million-hour sketch in which Adam goes to a hypnotist to stop smoking and - get this, you ready? -- THE HYPNOTIST KEEPS FARTING!!!! AHHR31H!!!A R EHHEIIEAIR!!!! DEAR JESUS EVERY SINGLE INTERNAL ORGAN JUST FLEW OUT OF MY MOUTH AND SPLATTERED ALL OVER THE TORSO OF THE NURSE WHOSE NIPPLE I WAS GUZZLING MILK FROM!

Songwise, you got two good ones - a reggae song about a "piece of shit car" and the adorable classic "Chanukah Song," which has become a holiday season every bit as entwined in the American fabric as "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" and "Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker)." The other five songs are the worst things ever, though. Who told this idiot he was a rock star? He's NOT!

Andrew "Dice" Clay is! "Brooklyn Bad Boy"? More like "Best Song Ever," if you ask my psychiatrist!

Because I feel that the best form of critique is not to provide any analysis or insight, but to simply describe everything that happens on the record and let the reader make up his own mind.

Notice I said "his" but not "her." This is because women, like monkeys, don't know how to read.

Reader Comments
Another album i listened to all threw high school! Funny ass album! I agree the best parts of this album are the cult skit, "respect", the excited southerner (Buffoon is wayyy funnier though!), Cock 'n balls skit, sex or weight lifting, "memory lane", etc. Not sure if this album is inferior in anyway to the first one. Dont think so! Your right that "Chanukah Song" is a classic. And rightfully so! There isnt any damn Chanukah songs out there! "The Goat" is also a classic to most people i think too. It was hilarious the first time i heard it, but really the only part in it i still think is funny is "OWWWWWW! FUCK ME IN THE GOAT ASS". I guess just the way he screams it out loud or something, who knows! I also like "Steve Polychronopolous" and "Mr. Bake O" out of the songs, cuz, i dunno...just found them funny and kinda catchy, although your right...Adam isnt a damn rock star! Although i can tell he trys to be. Another 8. (Amanda Kenyon)
I loved this album with a mad passion when I was about 14. (A 14-year-old GIRL, no less!) The goat just cracked me up for some stupid reason, and the cock-and-balls mother was just so stupidly wacky. What's not to love? I still have an intense liking for Adam Sandler (The Wedding Singer and Happy Gilmore are two of my favorite movies) though for some reason I hate Jim Carrey's "comedy" to the depths of my soul. They're very similar, so I don't quite understand this. Feel free to email me to explain this strange phenomenon. Perhaps it's partly because of the travesty inherent in his remake of the Grinch. I will avoid and denounce that movie until the day I die. (Lee)
If you liked it then try other comedy albums by these other comic wonders! bigger and blacker! supernigger! by mr.pryor! eddie murphy! george carlin's parental advisory explicit lyrics! adam sandler has did movies like billy madison happy gilmore! the wedding singer the waterboy! and then big daddy! then little nicky! but then he grew up in punch drunk love then goofs up again in mr. deeds and 8 crazy days! hey one word: i do love the cheech and chong flicks! i did tape some cool scenes like when the looka like drives his car and sets a trap for the police cars BOOOOOOM! FIREWORKS THEN CAME A SPACESHIP THN ZAP THEY WERE GONE OR THE OTHER PART WHEN THE TWO GUYS TRY OUTDO THE OTHER CAR IN A JUMPING MATCH! THE CAR JUMPS! THEN THE VAN JUMPS WHEN THEY ARE GONE THE VAN STILL JUMPS THEN IT SLIDES DOWN! THEN HE MEETS A CROWD OF MEXICANS! HE SAID HOLA PENDEJOS! HA HA HA HA HA!
dude you are a moron....the skit talking goat is the best skit on this cd....u cannot honestly say that you didnt laugh at that....and the person who said the only funny part is when he gets hit with the football is crazy as well....what about when he says..."hey goat you got a knot there....a what?...A KNOT.....yeah better NOT mension that again you cock sucker!"....hahaha the whole skit is hilarious and you people are the first people i have ever heard of that didn't like the goat u don't know comedy at all if you don't laugh at the goat...that's all I have to say....o yeah and what about giriputo the FAT SHIT!!! hahaha..."he's a porker..that kids a fat shit!" "one day he's gonna get to close to the truck and i'll but his fucking ear off!...hahahahaah i challenge you to listen to the goat and not the way everything adam sandler does on his cd's is classic so stop pretending to know everything about comedy and dis on some of his stuff! because you know you laugh at farting and all his stuff...get over your self guy who writes the stuff on this website!!!!!

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What's Your Name? - Warner Bros. 1997
Rating = 6

This one is all songs, no skits. It features some of his best songs EVER, you understand ("Moyda," "Voodoo" and "The Lonesome Kicker" in particular are funny as hell, each merging the banalities of everyday life with the cinematic drama of a power role), but there's also some slop here that never deserved to see the light of my life ("Corduroy Blues" is the worst song ever written. And I'm not even talking about a parallel universe where Styx and Kansas never existed). Mr. Sandler tries a variety of styles with his full band here - funk rock, Billy Joel piano jazz, macho generic blues rock, funk, country-western, reggae, even an epic Springsteen-style multi-parter featuring The Goat! But eh. Mmmm... You have to kind of frown upon this sort of crap - he delighted a stupid nation with his awful Thanksgiving song, so now he fancies himself a hilarious comedic musician like Don Henley? Bah.

The most clever ideas: "Listenin' To The Radio" piles on layers and layers of references to FM radio hits as a lonely young man searches for a girl to love. "Sweet Beatrice" features 7 minutes worth of lines that end with "-or" words pronounced as "-oh-wah!" words. And that's the whole joke. ? "Dancin' And Pantsin'" is about going to club where celebrities play with each others' balls and stuff. It's ridiculous and stupid, but funny as Nell! (Carter)

If you're going to find an Adam Sandler cd in a cheapie bin, it's going to be this one. Most people think it's atrocious. And some of it really is. But there are lots of good ones too! I'm serial! Many of them would have been Grammy-nominated smash hit singles if they'd been recorded by Mariah Carey, who originally penned them. Right before she became a crackhead and somehow convinced a nation of idiots that she was just "exhausted."

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Stan And Judy's Kid - Warner Bros. 1999
Rating = 7

This album is like nailing an Eskimo - too cold to forgive..

but too HOT to forget!

The skits are back and here's a shocker - some of them suck! The worst ever by anybody is "Whitey," which is a 16+ minute character sketch of a flat boring cartoon of an old man, as presented to a flat patronizing character. No laughs - worse even than Billy Crystal's "Face"! And you of all people know how bad that one is. I don't feel like describing every single friggin skit on the album like I did on the others, so bite it.

No I changed my mind, out of a sense of community and welfare. "Hot Water Burn Baby" is hilarious - I'm not going to explain it. You need to hear it yourself. You're not getting this one out of me. I'll take it to my beathded. "The Peeper" is a guy in a tree jerking off. "The Champion" is the story of a golfer going insane on national TV. Believe it or not, it's funny! Not as funny as David "Happy" Gilmour, but a hilarity bag nonethelove. "Inner Voice" is a guy getting a boner while talking to a girl in a Laundromat. The recurring character is the HIGH-larious "Cool Guy," who keeps getting girls naked and ready until he uses a really stupid name for his "penis," at which point they get disgusted and leave. I'm not going to list any of his terms here because they're so darned funny, you need to hear them for yourself. But I DO want to give an indication as to what kind of "Cool Guy" this is, so I'll tell you that after the third or fourth rebuff, he gets really upset and cries, "This is SO UN-CHILL!"

The most important skit, however, and the one most worthy of discussion, not only in my opinion but also in that of the critical community (I didn't actually ask them, but we generally see eye to eye on these things) is "The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie." Because it's not a joke at all. Or if it is, it is a joke so bleak, depressing, sick and dark that only Adam Sandler and maybe former drug salesman Tim Allen could find funny. It's over eleven minutes long and it's essentially a very disturbing horror story. Why it's on a comedy album I can't say that I have any idea. But laugh if somehow it seems to you to be the right thing to do! (Rancid creep)


"She Comes Home To Me" is ribald and funny - a love song by a hooker's boyfriend, you see. "Chanukah Song Part II" is proof positive that Adam Sandler is as fucking lame as he is funny. And "Welcome My Son" is short enough to rule, about a new father who can't stop obsessing about the fact that someday his son might grow up to smoke marijuana. Where does he get his ideas?

I mean his BAD ones too. Where do they come from? And is there anyway that a surgeon could remove just THAT part of his brain, and leave us with the funny part?

Reader Comments
I didnt like this one as much as the other 2. But i will agree the reaccurring "Cool Guy" is hilarious, as is "Hot Water Burn Baby", "The Peeper" (the flash video on Adam's site is great!), "The Champion" and "Inner Voice". What the hell was the point of making a "Chanukah Song Part 2"!? Or even worse, what the hell is "Whitey"? Absoluely pointless and stupid! I didnt like any of the songs either (except "She Comes Home To Me" and "Welcome My Son", which are hilarious! "7 Foot Man" might of been cool with better lyrics, but as it is its just like you said, stupid). "The Psychotic Legend" is indeed disturbing and dark, and therefore awesome! I agree with the 7. (Pete Rocha)
You must smoke a lot of coke, Mark. I do, too, but I've never used it as a vehicle to discuss Adam Sandler at length. He was kinda funny once, Saturday Night Live in that repeating (what else?) sketch about Boston schmoes who were 'wickahd cohcked', and probably some of these cd's. But since then he's been in a good four dozen movies that placed Adam Sandler - POTTY MOUTHED, BEER DRINKING, UN-COOTH BUT SENSITIVE UNDERNEATH IT ALL REGULAR GUY - in a situation that calls for something with more tact. And OH, funny!! The guy is every bit as cliched and deserving to burn on a tire fire as Ben Stiller or Will Smith. Actually, that's not true at all, Sandler might still be funnier and more talented than both of them. And some songs on Paul Stanley's solo album might also better than others.

Guy has enough money to convince your mom to stab you in the neck with a butter knife, and you're paying for a web site to talk about him. Yes, it's just a tiny, tiny chunklet of your website, but this space could've been much better served by Grand Funk reviews. You already did Bloodrock. I'd love to see you rock the Grand Funk catalog. CAUSE ADAM SANDLER ROCKS! DO THAT SONG ABOUT THE GRANDMA!!! WOOO! HIGH FIVE!

The irony police. Yeah, maybe Mark Farner made as much money as Adam Sandler, but Mark Farner was never in Mr. Deeds. Even Paul Stanley was never in Mr. Deeds. Even the most miserable, corny and cliched rock music (like Paul Stanley solo) is cooler than twerp Hollywood commedians. I know, I know, fuck me. What ever happened to resenting the rich?

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Shhh...Don't Tell - Warner Bros. 2004
Rating = 6

37-year-old New Hampshirite Adam Sandler recently lost his father to the God of Death. The fact that he can rise above honest, real-life loss and pain and put out a brand new album of farting and fucking jokes (even in the song ABOUT HIS LATE FATHER) makes one wonder exactly how mutated a childhood this man had back in the day (late '60s/early '70s). But more than that, one is driven to wonder why he feels compelled to continue releasing these grotesque X-rated comedy CDs when he's making a fine, fine living as an American movie star. I mean, my wife and I are somehow eking out a no-frills living on a combined income of only $200,000 and you don't see ME out there writing disco songs about guys shaving their ball hair or ballads about men getting married just so they can get laid any time they want. Not to mention the guy is an elderly, horrifyingly baggish 37 years old -- I mean it's one thing for a just-born little boy of 31 like Mark Prindle to make ass dildo jokes, but it's something entirely else someelse for some vomitous elderly fuck to go out there and talk about rubbing waffles on his mother-in-law's sweet tits while his fat wife watches. Because I'm teenage! I'm young! Yeah yeah, and I'm strong! And I'm TEENAGE! Look at my YOUTH power! (*holds out withered old 31-year-old arms*)

The two recurring characters this time out are a gay robot who performs homosexual acts to the soundtrack of hilarious clanking noises and Don Knotts. That's right. Don Knotts. Adam Sandler's brand new years-in-development recurring character is Don Knotts. Going by the name "Mr. Pibb." Uttering uproarious (that means "funny" - I just don't feel like using a thesaurus right now. Nor a brontosaurus! Ha! HAHAHHA! HAHAHAHH! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLIPOP) never-existed "old timey" platitudes like "The whole sea's like a warm cup o' java - temperaturo perfecto, as the Africans might say!" and "Snug as a bug in a rug playing Dig-Dug!" before going overboard on some extreme sport, hurting himself intensely and uttering the 'punchline' "Is there a doctor in the house?" So Don Knotts fans - don't think your shirt doesn't fit anymore, because it does and his name is Adam Sandler!

Other skits revolve around farting, gayfers, sexual harrassment, masturbation, dysfunctional families and relationships with wives. Most of it reeks of sophomorical juvenilia too gross even for me to laugh at (the 'jokes' themselves are nothing but grotesque comments and situations that are more shocking than funny), but two of the songs are probably the funniest he's ever, ever done, and should be heard fifty times a day on every radio station. The first is a boasting rap song undiscernable from every other boasting rap song of the past three years except for one key difference: he's boasting about what a coward he is! "The Mayor Of Pussytown." Hilarious. You can't even tell it's Adam Sandler, it's so damn hilarious and "KEEP IT REAL"-sounding! The other is an unforgivably chortlefull "blues session" in which a tired, wheezy old bluesman keeps turning the tape recorder back on as he thinks of more and more stupid rhymes for the word "mule." It actually sounds like the kind of song I would record, which may be why I love it so much and why you probably won't think it's funny at all. Seriously - it has like 18 "false ends"! The whole song is just a bunch of false ends!

I have to get going, ya'all, so let me just finish by saying that Sandler has always been offensive, but usually there are funnier jokes mixed in WITH the offensiveness. There are still some laughs on here (the opening track about a gentle old Jew who wants something to fuck for his birthday, the gigglephorious parody of late DJ Wolfman Jack, the endless menagerie of on-the-nose family members who torment/bore a college freshman during his first call home -- including the cliched Jewish mother who recommends that if his roommate offers him LSD or PCP, he should say he can't take it because it gives him diarrhea), but there's FAR too much Mr. Pibb, way too much of the gay robot and... you know, just too much crap like "The Amazing Willy Wanker," possibly the least necessary or pointful song he has ever recorded (it appears to be about a British guy who likes weird sex. Or something).

Okay, gotta go! I'll see you all at Mr. Deeds II!

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