Sand Family (and other `zine 

What, is their father named AMPER??? Huh huh HUH huh heeee! What, is their mother named QUICK???? HUH heee heehe hHUH HUH ha! What, is their sister named MARILYN?

Actually, I suppose that's not out of the realm of possibility.

Monkey Pants 7" - Sand Family 2002
Rating = 8

As an important man about town, I've been known to pen a record review for a specific "zine" or "web zine" or "maga zine." Sometimes, I'll create a page for these bands on my site, but at other times, due to people screaming at me to review Frank Zappa every five minutes, I've let them languish on my hard drive unread and unappreciated. Well NO MORE! That's ALL about to change, thanks to the Sand Family! From now on, my `zine reviews will all be located HERE! On the Sand Family page! THANKS, SAND FAMILY!!!!

Now then. There are those who will wonder around with nowhere to go. And curse hectic living, and wish it would slow. But if you bury your anger and hide all your hate, and convince yourself that you cannot relate. Worry perpetually, not knowing why - hating existence and wanting to

DIE!No one will know what you feel deep inside. You'll squish your emotions (squish!) to salvage your pride. Now you have to find direction, and see it through. Relearn things you thought you once knew. Share your emotions with people who care. You may not be perfect, but you're getting there! The Sand Family is a six-piece from Philadelphia featuring two Sands, two womans, a Beaver and Ben Morgan. This, their debut single, features three songs full of clean jangly guitars, banjos, violins, tambourines, catchy folk melodies and funny, fun, sick, weird, catchy in spite of their stupidness JOKE lyrics that don't even RHYME half the TIME which makes them even funnier! "Barrel Of Monkeys" starts off it all with dramatic music in a minor-key (like something important is happening) and those scraggly sick funny vocal stylings of dirty young manhood (in a long trenchcoat with a penis!) that we've all come to associate with the Loud Family sand. And dig the chorus - "You're more fun/than a barrel of monkeys/especially dead/rotting monkeys." Then the record LEAPS off the turntable, does a triple AXeL, ROSE high in the sky and crasheds down on side "Beee azzih Boooyyeee" as the Indian guy who always answers the phone at Domino's says when reading back my address to me. "Apottament Beee azzih Boooyyeeeee." Which reminds me of a joke invented long ago. Why do Indians make the best pizza?

Because Italians all wash their hands in SHIT before cooking it! Here's side B.

You'll never be able to understand this paragraph because I translated it into Chinese, then into Spanish, then into Cantonese and finally back into English. Then I didn't like how it read, so I rewrote it. Side two starts off with a singalong about PANTS! And it's scraggly messy funk folk rock, but with a cock rock guitar break at the end of every line. And the tagline "I fucking hate your pants!" repeated over and over again at the end, but melodically so!

Then side B ends with a hoedown banjo singalong about URINATION! The chorus goes, "It's alright to urinate in your pants/Young folks do it, old folks do it too/It's alright to urinate in your pants/That's what I said - Urinate!" SEE??? IT DOESN'T RHYME AT ALL!!! I LOVE THAT!!!! IT'S ALMOST AS IF THEY DIDN'T TRY AT ALL!!!!! YET YOU KNOW THEY DID, BECAUSE OTHERWISE THE PHRASING WOULDN'T BE SO FUCKIN' FUNNY!!!!

You should seriously email and ask him how to buy one of these singles. And now they're working on a rock opera called "The Broken Hipsters." Listen! The singer guy sounds like a dirty young man who doesn't shave, and the music is so folksy and pleasant that you think it might be Camper Van Buttfuckle, but it's not - it's the Sand Family! Reprimand Family! In this Land Family! Take my hand Family!

Could you tell I wrote that entire review with both hands shoved up my ass, all the way up my body and sticking out of my mouth?

Oh that's right - the brown corn doesn't end up on your keys.

"We thought that was great. Thanks." - The People With The Worst Sense Of Humor In The World

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