Revolting Cocks

Ministry Some More
*special introductory paragraph!
*Big Sexy Land
*You Often Forget 12"
*Live! You Goddamned Son Of A Bitch
*Beers, Steers + Queers
*Stainless Steel Providers 12"
*Beers, Steers and Queers (The Remixes) EP
*Linger Ficken' Good... And Other Barnyard Oddities
*Cocked And Loaded
*Cocktail Mixxx
*Sex-O Olympic-O
*Sex-O MiXXX-O
*Got Cock?
*Got MiXXX?

The Revolting Cocks began as a bland little industrial dance side project of Ministry's Al Jourgensen, Front 242's Richard 23 and some guy named Luc Van Acker, but quickly turned into just another name for Ministry, what with pretty much EVERY member of Ministry also doubling as a member of "REVCO" as they cleverly called themselves in faithful reverence of America's Favorite Chain Pharmacy Drug Store. Speaking of which, yesterday I passed a store that had a sign in the window reading "Big Sale - Last Month!" I responded in my usual hilarious manner by shouting "Big sale! Last month! You missed it! It was great!" And all of New York City enjoyed a hearty laugh at the expense of the failed business owner.

Big Sexy Land - Wax Trax! 1986
Rating = 6

Tinny clanging beats, catchy fake bass lines, sampled voices and instruments, distorted and mostly unintelligible vocals, occasional swirling echoes of noise, multilayered fake percussion - basically Ministry's Twitch with less aggression. At this point, the band only had three members and the recording is kind of dry and empty despite their valiant, brave, courageous efforts to fill it up with jackhammer drums and reverbed samples and stuff. We're very proud of our brave boys in blue for all the work they put into trying to create an industrial dance masterpiece while fighting the threat of venereal disease in North Vietnam, but when you get your ass right on down to it, it's just another industrial dance record. Every track starts rhythmically interesting and catchy (the bass, I mean - there's really no other melodies going on) and then drags on and on with only like two or three repeated samples to hold your overly tested attention. Plus, aside from the silly, colorful album cover and hilarious, uproarious, laugh-out-loud, jump-for-joy band name, there's no humor in the band yet. Just dancey high-pitched metal clanging.

No! Not heavy metal! This sounds not a whit like early Uriah Heep! Nor, in fact, their later "Stealin' When I Shoulda Been Buyin'" power pop period! Goddammit, why does every sales clerk insist on placing the Revolting Cocks LPs in the Uriah Heep section???????

Reader Comments (Chris Young)
Aww, jeez... maybe you had to be there at the time... When my high school friends and I heard this album (when it came out) it just blew our minds. Even though listening to it now, it sounds a bit tinny and dated, it was important becaues of how it tossed together agressive vocals, crunchy drum machines, and a few samples in a sparse mix that was a lot more exciting to us (maybe partly for being just grating and obnoxious) than anything else that was available at the time. These songs are still etched in my brain. We loved Ministry's Twitch too, but this album was more fun. By the early 90s I had given up on their new stuff - what they were churning out wasn't really that clever, and it wasn't anything new.

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You Often Forget 12" - Wax Trax! 1986
Rating = 5

The Malignant side is dark and violent
The Benign side should've been left silent
The Malignant side's vox are hoarse and street-punk
The Benign side's are sped up like Alvin Chipmunk
The Malignant side features shouts of "Police State!"
The Benign side is pretty much just a beat, mate
The Malignant side is cool and dancey
The Benign side might as well call itself "Nancy"
The Malignant side is full of wrath
The Benign side prefers a nice bubble bath
The Malignant side seers like Nitzer Ebb
The Benign side cries during Charlotte's Web
The Malignant side has bass pulse creepies
The Benign side touches children's pee-pees
The Malignant side sounds a lot like Twitch
The Benign side is my prison bitch

A Man Who Has Anal Sex With A Song
Sillyland Prison
Kookytown, USA

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Live! You Goddamned Son Of A Bitch - Wax Trax! 1988
Rating = 7

Hang on just a second, I can't concentrate on my writing right now as I'm busily singing a merry tune about baseball legend Jorge Orta.

Hang on.

Not yet.



No, hang on - I'm singing a middle part now. I hadn't planned to sing a middle part.

Is it okay to rhyme "Orta" with "Pet-A-Porter"?

Never mind, I'm to the first verse again.

Still going. Just hang tight.

Oh man, if you were here right now you'd totally be digging this.

Oooh! A funk bass would sound great right here!

Oooo, can you hear that saxophone in the right speaker? Mmm - that is SWEET!

Okay it faded out. This is a live double-album recorded after Richard 23 had returned to his worthless shit band and everybody Al Jourgenson had ever met in his life had joined the Revolting Cocks. There are 10 tracks to be heard, and 6 of those are 3/4 of the 8 tracks on the 1st album, which was released before this 2-album set when there were only 3 people in the band.

So which train would reach its destination first? HA! I FUCKED YOU UP WITH MY ZANY ALGEBRA HUMOR!

I suppose there's a bit more noise in the mix and more screaming of the lyrics instead of just singing them and I guess that if you sit between the speakers you hear neat rhythmic effects popping to and fro, but when you get right down to the truth - these songs weren't masterpieces to begin with. They didn't suddenly convert into masterpieces because more people are making noise on them. As for the other four songs, one is five minutes of one guitar chord and nothing else, two must be from singles or something (and they've both got cool little nervous Front 242/Nitzer Ebb-type bass repetitions) and one is a "Sneak Preview With Michael Medved" of the next Revolting Cocks album, which would be the best one ever!

(This conclusion is subject to change if the Revolting Cocks release an album that is better than the next one I review here).

Reader Comments
So it's a Friday night, I've gotten drunk, stoned, watch Ring (the Japanese version, of course) then some freaky documentary on the abstract attempt at insinuating old SaDDAm had nukes e.t.c. Then, as you do, I decide to to see if there's anything I've overlooked here, (I have a plausible reason, to wit: today I nearly spent over œ100 on some new turntable equipment, for my old, faithful table had, I thought, bitten the dust (due to extreme miss-use . So I found a decent, local on-line retailer and filled up my 'cart' with vinyl reproduction paraphernalia (fuck I wish I never started this excursion now) but I had a pang of frugality and cancelled it. Stomped down to town and chanced on a œ9 stylus. Bugger me backwards! It worked! So most of today had been spent listening to plastic. My God! I'd forgotten how good it sounds! It's mad how the vibrations of fractured plastic, picked up by a wee needle, sounds so much greater than any of these modern technological techniques.)

To boil it all down, so I can lance this fucker and move on, today i listened to said album. Today I contributed the only response to yer review. (So which determines my execution sir? Certainly not the betrayal of our hard won friendship? Maybe, if I let on, I had been kissing chickens in Asia, minor.) But wait. Class snobbery is of no issue here.

"You're lying," you say? The proof I supply. I still recall the day, when I were around 17, traveling with said album, back from Newcastle, UK to Sunderland, (also UK) inspecting the art of the gatefold, interior. i.e. the porn. Of course there was a tinge of embarrassment (not for what I saw) but of what the two old dears nattering behind me, may have seen. So, out of public decency, I closed the cover (you would get banged up for that today.) N.B You must of heard of that incredibly stupid British girl who got interrogated by Miami cops for joking she was "carrying a bomb?" (And for that she SHOULD be banged up for 6 months, stupid cow!) Apparently today, some girl was se-quested at Newcastle Airport for exactly the same misdemeanor. The question... why should such numbskulls be allowed air? Think about all the 'last breaths that could have been extended to all the decent people, if morons such as these had never been granted life? Not much, I know BUT AT LEAST I WOULDN'T HAVE TYPED ALL THIS AND USED MY OWN PRECIOUS BREATH MORE CONSTRUCTIVELY? So I could delete it all, but it's a Friday night and it should all hang out.?. Fucking Incas.

One moment whilst I gan for a slash.

Submission, I salute you! Suck it and see? Eh. What the? I must confess more. I had the video of the show before the vinyl. It were good for acid, see. Don't do that anymore, not for any odd reason but you just can't get it anymore. Mushroom season seems fucked here too? Global warming? The bastards.

The opening track is five minutes of shredding noise, like shitting out a combine. One of my favorites. Union Carbide... another 8 minute load of noise about some reckless poisoning in India, sometime in the 80's. Of course THAT doesn't matter now. Fuck em. And the Russians. (My Dad had the contact for Chernobyl, but couldn't be arsed to miss Neighbors. Tough shit ya Dostoyevsky reading fuck heads!) Another fav. Hey, the party of corpses always rocks around mine.

I'm a killing machine is the track on Beers, Steers (r.i.p) Good bass-line, oh yeah, it's a SONG too!

During said video Mr. J. pretends to mutilate himself with broken glass but, a few songs later, the cuts seem to bleed no further. I question 'cos that never happened with me. Fuckin fake rock-stars. Fuckers. O'vey, a classy rhyme...

The fucking fuckers, fucking fucked, the fucking fucker up.

To say No Devotion was scary would only apply in the Acid days, now it's a cool tune. Repetitive GROOVE bass, Herr Reiflins' thumping and a lovely house piano augmented by Al's crooning. No Devotion, No sacrifice, Anymore. The word of God means nothing, anymore.

The blasphemer.

I bet this is impossible to buy now so you're all welcome to pop around to mine for a listen. Please provide Pizza, a brand name cola and night-ware, it's bound to be a long evening.

(The golden bulls' head will save fuck all. Not even your reputation, so gan yem. Oh, you know wee Bill plays drums with R.E.M now? He does. Saw him on some safe, saturday night BBC show kicking that punk rock classic Losing my religion. The unfunny thing was the band were so boring, the director kept cutting to Bill (including that dynamic 'crossed hands' shot. You can visualise??? Tight CU.) Glad he's getting paid. Proper fucking star Mr Reiflin.... Aye, I have Gub.))

Must go and shoot myself now. bar...

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* Beers, Steers + Queers - Wax Trax! 1990. *
Rating = 10

The great lost Ministry album. Even at the band's hardest and heaviest, they were still the "dance" side project of Ministry. They could pump up the drums until they disintegrated into crackly sludge, pile on the screams, samples & clanging noises until your nose bleeds, and even tear it up with some distorted electric axe, but NEVER at the expense of a dancehall danceable rhythm. That is the key to this album's success. It's noisy and it rocks, but it's clearly intended to be treated as dance music. There are no "Thieves" or "TV Song"s on here. (Those are high-speed metal Ministry songs, for those of you who aren't Ministry fans out there tonight. I don't want anybody to feel left out of what I'm sure are my strongest reviews yet! You're the best! We love you! Let me see your fucking lighters!)

Starting off with a chuckle-filled backwater phone call discussing the band name, the band careers right on into the apocalptically pounding, crashing rap title track, a rap song about how much Texas sucks ass. Even this early on the album, it's obvious that they have jettisoned like five million times a leap forward to jump ahead of skip their other two albums. See, the drums and vocals are overdistorted, but then they keep piling on CLEAN samples - an old western bell, a C/W minor-key guitar strum, some turntable "scratching," cowboy voices saying "Yaaa!" and "cowboys....". It's just an interesting little tune! Funny and obnoxious too. From thereon, the songs are less humorous, but even more catchy --- the bass lines (which appear to be played on an actual BASS GUITAAAAAAR this time!) are simple but instantly memorable and the piles of music on top can get so dense so quickly that you hardly even notice that six things are going on at once - looped guitar feedback, a couple of guitar chords, a few different fake rhythm tracks, more industrial clangs and blongs, treated vocal samples - I mean, it's never so rich that you think you're listening to Paul's Boutique or Meat Beat Manifesto or something, but there's certainly lots more going on here than just the bass'n'drums that initially seem to be the songs' focusesii.

And finally, the appeal of the songs is that they are actual SONGS. Unlike some of the instrumental industrial sample workouts on the last couple of records, you can actually sing every single one of these songs to yourself when the album is complete. Like I said, it's essentially the lost Ministry album. If your favorite period of that band was the Rape And Honey/Mind Terrible Waste years, you should totally grab this album because you'll probably like it a lot. It's not as angst-ridde, metallic or oft-exploding, but the overall mood is similar - especially as reflected in the bass lines and heavy clanging noises. And it's consistent as hell - these are all really good songs! Can the same be said about The Beatles' Sergeant Peppers' Hearts Club Band?

Why yes! Yes it can! That's why it's so ironic that this album receives a 10 on my site while that one only received a 9. Quite frankly, that is a MUCH better album than this one! Ha ha ha!

Reader Comments
sigh,,, I left this on a shelf, in a house on Arnold Road, Birkby, Huddersfield. If anyone has it, please return.

Though i still have the 45. C'mon now SQUEAL.
Surely Stainless Steel Providers is the American pop hit of the decade... just a thought : )~

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Stainless Steel Providers 12" - Wax Trax! 1989
Rating = 7

If you (as you should) already, by this time, own -- or at least have in your possession (perhaps borrowed and due for imminent return) -- what I'd consider to be the best, or most entertaining, RevCo -- or Revolting Cocks -- album (Beers, Steers & Queers) then please do yourself a favor, or kind gesture, and lower this rating -- or number grade -- from a 7 (or VII) to a 5, or V, because it only has 3 songs -- or tracks -- one of which ("Stainless Steel Providers," or the title track) is already on the album -- or LP -- and a second of which -- "T.V. Mind, (Remix)" -- stinXXX. And if you have a problem with words ending in "XXX," you may want to stop reading this page quite soon.

The last thing anybody needs is a remix of "T.V. Mind," a boring old-fashioned Front 242y empty industrial bore, but you're in luck because there's one on here! Jesus whooped.

But the real reason (or "realson," if you're working on a new Sniglets book, Mr. Rich "The Hilarious Genius Behind Sniglets" Hall) that this single gets such a high grade is its one rare track, a melodic piano'n'bass-driven pop song called "At The Top" that sounds more like Tears For Fears than the Cevolting Rocks. Indeed, this radically mainstream departure entitled "At The Top" truly belongs "at the top" of any list of "at the top" Revolting Cocks b-sides.

P.S. If anybody knows what a "stainless steel provider" is, please lend a hand. Is it a fork? Because I love forks.

And don't be a smartass and say "Then when don't you marry them?" because I thought of that years ago, asshole.

Which is why I'm now married to a woman made out of forks. I LOVE YOU, POINTY!!! (*has several extra holes in penis*)

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Beers, Steers And Queers (The Remixes) EP - Wax Trax! 1991
Rating = 9

The title is a misnomer; there is only one "Beers, Steers And Queers" remix on here, and it's not remixed much at all. Its intro is now a Deliverance sample, the "Hang 'em high!" lyric is no longer slowed down, and "Geraldo's God" is now "Revolting Cocks are God!" but otherwise it's pretty much a straight-shootin' son-of-a-gun. However, the rest of the EP is so top o' the morning that your RevCo collection is a two-gallon jug of skunk juice that, due to a head cold, you've mistaken for Tang without it.

For example, the second 'remix' of "Beers, Steers And Queers" is no remix at all, but an entirely new PUNK ROCK song based on the "BS&Q" motif! It has four chords and tons of speedy energy, and your RevCo collection is a crusty old piece of bag filled with shit without it. I don't care if you have to rob, real or steb -- GET THIS SONG!

Side two begins with an unnecessary but enjoyable live rendition of "Stainless Steel Providers" before things take a turn for the thumbs up when an unidentified Cock announces a special treat that they "worked out during sound check." Following a pair of enticing guitar teasers ("Same Old Song And Dance" and "Over The Hills And Far Away"), they rip into a wonderful and spirited cover of "Public Image" that your RevCo collection is a baseball cap you've been wearing all day without realizing that a dog vomited in it the night before without. It also features the folllowing unstoppable-to-laugh-at inside joke that probably doesn't even make sense to the band at this point:

Cock: "It's like the Moody Blues -- I think you'll like it."
Other Cock: "I think you have to tell the story...."

But the story remains untold - unshared! Had they earlier viewed a televised Moody Blues concert in which Justin Hayward gaily and feyly said into the mic, "I think you'll like it"? Nobody will ever know. We can only wonder, ponder, pander and wander.

And why does one of the band members say "Uncle Buck!" a few times before they start the song? Was somebody in the crowd holding up a sign that combined Alain Jourgensen's one-time nickname "Buck Satan" with the title of a once-popular John Candy film? This is a question that only the ancients and ages will conspire to dream. The world is clearly an emptier place without a richer understanding of this audio passage, and our current natural resources crisis can undoubtedly be traced back to our failure to comprehend its crucial message.

In conclusion, I realize that this EP only has two songs that aren't already on Beers, Steers & Queers in very similar versions. Nevertheless, your RevCo collection is a roach giving birth in your sinus without it.

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Linger Ficken' Good... And Other Barnyard Oddities - Sire 1993.
Rating = 7

Maybe a bit more Ministry than necessary ("Mr. Lucky," "Butcher Flower's Woman" and "The Rockabye" are all REALLY heavy on the REALLY heavy guitars), but an entertaining listen nonetheless. Less an industrial rock dance masterpiece than a diverse, quirky collections of different types of songs - oh let's discuss a few - why, there's a repetitive bunch of noise with William Burroughs talking over it, some heavy metal, some great bass-driven tunes similar to those you might expect from a Revolting Roosters LP (but less clangy, more slick, probably at Sire's request) and a bit more novelty than I personally might have hoped for. The title track is fun and sexxxy but the discofied crack anthem "Crackin' Up" could use a few more elements as interesting as the bass line, "Mr. Lucky" is a silly cock rock joke that doesn't make my cock rock (or joke either, actually) and, last and definitely least, the cover of Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" is miserable. Boring, pointless, slow, bland - WORTHLESS. Not funny even one bit. Plus it's followed by a seven-minute song that sucks the fish clear out of my anal pass.

Elton John murdered Princess Diana.

Reader Comments
who is the gorgeous brunette in the Do Ya Think....? video that I just had an opportunity to see for the first time ever, baby jesus bless Youtube?
That brunette is talking about is "Jewel Shepherd" of "Return of the Living Dead", "Hollywood Hot Tubs" and "Hustler magazine".
I was lucky to find this little gem in my favourite used CD store. They also had the original Beers, Steers and Queers album too, but I'd already bought the re-release... but I still might get that edition,(because it's AWESOME) plus I'd like to own every Ministry related release ut there (*buys N.W.O. single*).

But yeah, Linger Ficken' Good is a sweet little album:

Gila Copter is pretty funny, quite hypnotic - probably what was intended. Timothy Leary does of course feature on this song, and although I remember going 'WOW THAT'S SO COOL!' when I first got it, it's only recently I've realised my un-educated ass knows nothing about him other than 'He liked drugs, and is dead'. But hey, do I really need to know who he was?

I love the Creep bassline but it goes on way too long. If they cut it down a few minutes, I'd make love to it - the bassline is constantly on my mind, wherever I go.

Mr Lucky is sweet, sorta like a Ministry song with horns. One of my favourite tracks on the album I'd say.

There's a video for Crackin' Up that was shown on Beavis and Butthead - I think that was the single version which had a minute or two shaved off too. The solo in this song is great - I wish Scaccia was given more solos before he packed off to continue with Rigor Mortis. Awesome song, another favourite.

Sergio is one of those highly repetitive, bass driven songs that drives you up the wall after the first listen.

Da Ya Think I'm Sexy? doesn't work as well without the video, but not it's not too bad. A bit long I guess.

You're right about The Rockabye. It sounds like a rejected Ministry B-side.

Butcher Flower's Woman shocked me when I first bought the album. It's very Ministry, but again, sounds like a B-side. A good B-side mind you.

Dirt is the song I always forget about. It's not bad, but just not particularly memorable. But then dirt rarely is.

And last but not least, Linger Ficken' Good. Now THIS is what I'm talking about. Hilarious samples, catchy bassline and Al Jourgensen's daughter (?) singing 'It's a RevCo world, It's a ReeevvvvCoooo world!' right at the end. This was a great way to end the album - the cute 'Revolting Pussies' and the random guy who talks shit about the band members make it all worthwile!

I'd give it a mid 7/10. I did call it a gem earlier on but an hour has past since I wrote that, and time changes things ya know? At the end of the day, most of this does sound like Ministry B-sides or throwaways off Beers, Steers and Queers, so yeah a mid 7 suits it good.
Listening to this album so long after the fact (nearly 20 years :/ ) I think it's held up quite well. Definetely of it's time, what with the awful drum machines and shit, but yeah I still think it's funny where it's supposed to be and encouraging to the drugged up mind where it's intended to be. Unlike you, I LOVE the "D'ya Think I'm Sexy?" cover, and consider it a career highlight for the band. Yeah it's easy for them, but that doesn't change the fact it works. I don't know why Timothy Leary is trying to sound like Burroughs on track one, but it kind of works anyway.

Also, just to add to the "Cocked & Loaded" discussion, I like that album too. I like both the Gibby songs a lot, especially the Purple Haze/We Will Rock You rape, and some of the other songs were very good. Truth be told, I don't remember the bad songs. This helps immeasurably!

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Cocked And Loaded - 13th Planet/Megaforce 2006
Rating = 6

You ever get the feeling that Al Jourgensen simply isn't trying very hard? For example, the last few times he dusted my furniture, he didn't bother lifting my tea doilies to wipe gently beneath them. This laziness has needled its way into the fabric of the latest Revolting Cocks album, and I couldn't be unhappier. Even though it's still good, and I quite enjoy it. So I suppose I could be unhappier, if you want to pinch buttholes about it. If only there were more words in this confounded language so that I might more accurately express my emotions on the matter. Goddamn you, Germanic settlers that invaded England around the year 449!!!!

And don't think for a second that you're in the clear, Norman Conquest!!!!

As firmly established on their goofy preceding release, the Revolting Cocks brand represents Al's chance to simply have fun. With Ministry, he always has to be a tough scary guy with angry politics and big dreadlocks and a screamy voice. But with RevCo, he can dick around with happy riffs, jokey samples, songs that mean nothing, silly musical humor and goofy genre-jumping. With Cocked And Loaded, he and Luc Van Acker retain this formula, but (due perhaps to Chris Connelly leaving the band?) add tons more loud distorted guitars than on any previous release. Herein lies a problem: most of the chord sequences don't sound like any 'writing' went into them; they're just kinda there. (And loud.) As such, the CD winds up sounding like either a disappointing Ministry album or a Lard record with less interesting lyrics.

The overuse of distorted guitars is also responsible for the problem of six of the ten tracks - regardless of the odd recording trick or goofy noise here and there - essentially fitting into the genre of "midtempo industrial metal." I call this a problem only because you like to see more variety on your novelty records - or at least more energy! The four exceptions to this rule are synth-horn-laden Isaac Hayes sick soul send-up "10 Million Ways To Die," speed-punk chugger "Devil Cock," eerie beeping whirring technological nightmare "Viagra Culture," and porno/"We Will Rock You"/"Wurm" pastiche "Revolting Cock Au Lait." Perhaps it comes as no surprise then that three of these four songs are among the finest that the album has to offer! The only "midtempo industrial metal" tracks that provide the same high level of clever and unique entertainment are slidey-guitared trudger "Dead And Streets" and hilariously pointless "Fire Engine," which brings together bright fuzzy orange chords, 'Pipeline' licks, and lyrics like "Fire engine fast - fire engine slow - fire engine fire engine Go Go Go!" The other midtempo industrial metal songs are just... well, they're okay. In fact, if you're a huge fan of midtempo industrial metal, they're fuckin' KILLER!!!!!!!

Supposedly ZZ Top's Billy Gibbons and Cheap Trick's Robin Zander and Rick Neilsen are on here somewhere, but as I haven't seen the packaging, I can't say with any certainty which songs feature their talents. However, it's not too difficult to recognize Jello Biafra's high-pitched wiggliness on "Dead End Streets" and "Viagra Culture" ("I must win! At everything I do, I must win! My car must win! My money must win! My house must win! My hair must win! My kids must win! My weiner must win! My wife must win! My mistress must win! My visit to the Bunny Ranch MUST WIN!!!!!") or Gibby Haynes' sleazy Texas drawl on "Caliente (Dark Entries)," which apparently appears on the Saw II soundtrack, if you like movies about saws.

As for subject matter, "Pole Grinder" ("She's got a surprise/She's a he inside"), "Prune Tang" ("She's a wrinkled old bitch/She sucks the chrome right off my trailer hitch") and "Revolting Cock Au Lait" ("Stir my coffee with your cock/Mmm! Creamy!") are kinda gross.

POST-SCRIPT FROM A YEAR LATER AFTER I FINALLY BROKE DOWN AND BOUGHT THE THING: Wait a minute! Luc Van Acker isn't even on this goddamned thing! And there's a photo of Rick Neilsen inside even though he only plays on two songs! And this album STINKS!!!!!! I originally gave this a 7!? Even a 6 is pushing it!

Reader Comments
Hi Mark, long time no post, sorry about that.

It's a shame, but I have to continue with the general tone of disappointment and shrugging of the shoulders but you're right. The album, as much as I've heard, just doesn't feel right. I was not expecting it too sound exactly like Rev Co of old, that would be just dumb, but I was expecting something with a bit of sparkle and wit, (no matter how throwaway) and, dare I say it, danceable? No, it comes across as just another record.

Apart from the last 2 minutes of 'Revolting Cock Au Lait' there was not one moment that pricked my ears up; well it might only have been some faux horns and female backing vocals but at least it was an idea! Maybe there's more, but it's hard to tell under all the bloody guitars. There's no space, it's just sludge. I used to hate 'Get Down' from 'Beers, Steers..' because of the guitars, they're an self-indulgent wankathon, and they really grated but that was the point, those guitars were supposed to be annoying and offensive. The guitars here are just, guitars... loud, distorted guitars. Dull. The production sounds like any old pro-tooled job too, predictable production tricks. Maybe Al really is bored?

Gibby's songs sound like Butthole songs. One of Jello's is easily Mate, Spawn & Die. If your eyes are still strong enough to read the notes, Gibbons played some slide for about 12 bars.

I love the Cock's, going to listen to this more, maybe it's just me. Reading all that makes me bored and sad. (Cocks are meant to do that?)
I can't believe I just wasted $15.00 dollars on this! Awful! I should have known though. The last few Ministry albums sound the same(ok, some decent tracks on Rantology) poorly mixed snap/crackle/pop protools bullshit. Yeah,yeah not everything is gonna sound like the old days but come on, no Chris Connelly? I did like "Viagraculture"(the lost LARD?)but the rest is a disapointment. Jello Biafria is otherwise wasted here. Lets see; How the fuck do you combine "We Will Rock You" and "Purple Haze" and "Another Brick In The Wall" in the same song and not have a pile of shit? I thought my car stereo was facedown in a puddle of "That 70's Show"peyote vomit. Throw in a Bauhaus cover and you have what is essentially a baggy pants farce/bloated vegas lounge trash. Really all thats missing is a Marylin Manson blackface. You want covers? Listen to their far superior P.I.L.("uncle buck!") Then theres Gibby. Has anyone even bothered to listen to the Butthole Sellouts last few releases...didn't think so. Gibby Haynes might be Al's wacky neighbor but he's out of place and quite lame here. I don't care if he sang that jesus hotrod song(ahhh, the 90's)I winced at lines like"scuse me while I fuck the sky" Corny! And"Sirens"... My 3 yr old found it annoying. I have heard(and have) just about everything else Revco has ever put out, even the cassette singles for "Stainless Steel Providers" and Lets Get Physical" and the recent re-issues. "Cocked and Loaded" is hands down the worst. Even the title suscks(LA Guns anyone?) I have been saying for years that if Revolting Cocks ever play Cleveland again I would be up front and center... Well, Al already got my $15 so forget my MastrabaTour T-shirt. I hope he can put that in the drug fund and return to his druggie ways or maybe hook up with Steve Albini or someone who at least knows how to record. That umpteen-track/muck wreck "sound" has already ruined several Ministry albums and I certainly miss Connelly's trademark vox. Am I bitter? Like asprin. "Cocked and Loaded" is Revco's latest Jar-Jar Binks. For anyone who might spend their hard earned pesos on this misguided effort, let me suggest everything previously listed on this page is worthwhile and also the new reissues that have bonus tracks put out by Rykodisc. The "Beers,Steers and Queers" reissue has a rare song"Cattlegrind" which was initalally available on "You Goddamned Son Of A Bitch Live" and can now be heard in its studio version. Thank you for your attention. Christ I'm cranky...
Jesus that last post was bitter. I know this album is a bit sub par for the cocks but its not anything terrible. I love the Gibby Haynes songs (Revcolution Medley, 10 million ways to die, Calienete dark entries). Prunetang is a pretty cool track. Its like a combination between ZZ Top and ministry which is just fuckin weird as hell. Devil Cock has its charm, nothing you have'nt heard before but still pretty cool. The Jello tracks are great but you can't consider them Revco because their basically Lard tracks thrown in as fillers. As for the rest of the album.....its basically crap. Fire engine, jack in the crack, and polegrinder are stupid as hell. At least half this album is still worth listening to though. If anything releasing this album was suicide without Paul Barker and Luc Van Arker on it. I always felt like Ministry was a unique meeting of minds. and while doing the whole Industrial thrash fest without barker has worked out pretty well, you really can't do a cocks record without him.

But yea I downloaded the leaked version of Rio Grande Blood a few weeks ago and it was pretty fucking awesome. I was almost sure it was going to suck after Al said it was going to be a politically charged trash album and that's exactly what it is, but its a million times more interesting than the last album. It has Tommy Victor and Paul Raven on bass and guitars so the album turned out pretty good. The music was so good that I was able to look past the dumb lyrics and the George Bush Samples and I was really impressed. A lot of Tommy riffs remind me of stuff from Mind is a terrible thing to taste but twice as fast. I also read in a recent Ministry interview that sometime next year ministry is releasing a side project with killing joke. (

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Cocktail Mixxx - 13th Planet 2007
Rating = 4

Hi, I'm Clayton Worbeck! Every once in a while, Mr. Jourgensen -- my manager at the Taco Bell -- will come up to me and say, "Clay, I need more money to buy a new hat, so when you're done stirring water into the dehydrated refried beans, make another one of those shitty remix ablums you do." Well, nothing's more important to me than pleasing my direct supervisor, so I try to help out when I can. However, with any luck, some day I'll be promoted to assistant manager, which means that you will be responsible for the remix CDs. In the interest of keeping things running smoothly here at the Bell, I will now share with you my patented remix recipe. Please read closely and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

1. Secure original master tape from Mr. Jourgensen.
2. Unspool in back food preparation area (where we make the Taco Salads).
3. Move bowel onto tape. If no movement is forthcoming, take broom and dustpan across street to Dog Park and collect appropriate sample.
4. Place soiled master tape onto oven tray; place in oven until it catches fire.
5. Remove tray from oven; douse fire with stream of urine. If no urine is forthcoming, substitute chemically similar Mountain Dew.
6. Take wet, soiled and ashen master tape into manager's office; slide into Tandy Remix Machine.
7. In third drawer down, behind the change-counting machine, you'll find Mr. Jourgensen's Melody Remover Magnet. Run magnet across entire master tape as it runs through Tandy Remix Machine.
8. Grab handful of utensils out of dishwasher; place in metal dish.
9. Press 'record' and shake dish of utensils over entire master tape.
10. Remove master tape from Tandy Remix Machine and crumple it up in your fist.
11. On the shelf beside the timeclock, you'll find Mr. Jourgensen's Trebly Shitnoise Machine. Force crumpled, soiled, burnt master tape into machine and press 'Apply Trebly Shitnoise' button.
12. When red light beeps, remove the master tape, place it in your mouth and use a broom handle to force it down your throat. This should induce vomiting.
13. Use cash register to type up list of meaningless remix titles, i.e. "Pole Grinder (It Hurts When I Piss Mix)," "Devil Cock (Sum Yunguy Mix)," "Caliente (Searing Social Problem Mix)." Oh, I forgot -- sometimes Luc Van Acker and Phildo Owens ask to remix a track or two as well. This is fine as long as Luc has mopped the dining room and Phildo doesn't have any drive-thru customers.
14. Place vomit-covered, burnt, crumpled, stench-ridden master tape into cardboard tray.
15. Cover with thin layer of red sauce, green onions and olives.
16. Serve to Mr. Jourgensen. And don't forget to 'suggestive sell' a side order of nachos or Cinnamon Twists!

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Sex-O Olympic-O - 13th Planet 2008
Rating = 6

Hi I'm Bob Screwsensteinscrew, and Mark Prindle has asked if I could take a few moments out of my busy America and submit a review of today's hottest new club act, The Revolting Cocks (possibly a nomenclatural parody of 'Cockney Rebel,' a glam rock band of Steve Harley origin). To do so, I would like to specifically discuss their newest compact disc release, entitled Sex-O Olympic-O in tribute to this year's Chinese Games.

You know, it's crazy. When I first informed my compatriates on the Ballistics: Ecks Vs. Sever Message Board that I would be drafting a white paper on a Revolting Cocks record, they immediately entered the second stage of the Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle - denial. But it was true. I had every intention of doing just that. Unfortunately, time has been cruel to all of us, especially the Brazilian Merganser, and I eventually had to mail an apologetic note to the entire Ballistics: Ecks Vs. Sever newsgroup informing them that, due to temporal constraints, my white paper was to be reduced to a mere pamphlet. Written in very big type.

And laugh? Oh, how they laughed. I had become the butt of a hundred jokes, an unwilling clown in the eyes of the global Ballistics: Ecks Vs. Sever online community. "Hey you stupid asshole," began one typical message, "you're a stupid asshole." How could one man be expected to defeat such vitriol and logic? I chose instead to end the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, committing patricide, matricide and deicide before remembering what word I was looking for. Please accept my apologies, o late spirits of Mother, Father and God. I'm confident that you are all in a better place now. Well, not God maybe.

Having said that, old-timey RevCo fans will be pleased as (me) punch(ing you in the face) that "Revolting Cocks" is no longer simply a synonym for "Ministry Trying To Be Funny." Al has recruited a new line-up and, though distorted heavy metal guitars still play a major role in their sound (thanks to The Last Sucker's Sin Quirin), they've finally re-incorporated the dance beats and electronic pulses of the band's early recordings. And though Al Jourgensen's distorted scream does show up in the second half, Teutonic baritone Josh Bradford sings, speaks and whispers the majority of the tracks in a refreshingly melodic way.

Furthermore, though some of the lyrics and asides are hilarious ("Why walk down the street when you can walk down the hall? Keeping it in the family can be a great idea!," "I'm not gay. I just pretend I am when I'm drunk. I... have a girlfriend!," "Once a century, a God is sent down to bless this Earth with his majesty. Once a century, this God will rise and teach us how to live our lives. This God we know as.... Lou Ferrigno! Cursed with the inability to hear, but blessed with the power to pleasure women at random."), none of the songs sound like novelty music the way that so many from the past two records may have done if memory serves. These are written and performed as serious dancey metal (or metallic dancey).

Though welcome and quite welcome, these welcome returns of the RevCo sound of old do present their own problems. The first is that the band apparently has not updated their electronic equipment since 1990. Clayton Worbeck's synth tones, and in fact the band's entire musical approach, sound straight out of the early '90s techno scene. Not that I don't love a good Dr. Seuss hat, because I do.

Even more troublesome is that, free of musical novelty, several of these tracks are as faceless and unremarkable as anything on Big Sexy Land! The worst offenders are sub-"Burning Inside" metal throwaway "Abundant Redundancy" and NIN-sounding seXXXy industrial shit bag "Touch Screen" (chorus: "I wanna watch you touch yourself"), but even some otherwise decent songs are hampered by passages of lame tuff-metal and non-existent melody. Like what the hell is up with "Keys To The City"? The verse has like one chord! Dude, it's 2008! Verses should have at least two thousand and eight chords by this point!

If it's good anthemic metal chords and/or pulsating electro-dance beats you're after, I recommend four tracks: the straightforward "Hookerbot2000," Mexi-fied "Robo Banditos," incestuous "Cousins," and closeted "I'm Not Gay." Most of the others have their moments, but what good's a moment? A fruit fly has several and he's still dead in a day.

Speaking of 'day,' I will now end this 'white pamphlet' by bidding you a fair day. Remember to eat an apple! An apple a day keeps the doctor at bay!

With your condolences,
Bob Screwsensteinscrew
National Apple Association
Phone: 1-212-APPLE
Email: BobScrewsensteinscrew@nationalappleassociationor'naa'
Blackberry: Fuck you! Apple.

"What's the matter, someone get too much foam in their latte?" - Miguel Sandoval, Ballistics: Ecks vs. Sever

This message and any attachments contain information that may be National Apple Association confidential and/or privileged. If you are not the intended recipient (or authorized to receive for the intended recipient), and have received this message in error, any use, disclosure or distribution is strictly prohibited. If you have received this message in error, please notify the sender immediately by replying to the e-mail and permanently deleting the message from your computer and/or storage system. And remember - an apple a day keeps the doctor away (from your genitals)!

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Sex-O MiXXX-O - 13th Planet 2009
Rating = 5


13,700,000,000 BC - "Big Bang" gives birth to the Universe. Follow-up "Big Bang (Bang Her Harder Mix)" fails to chart; alternate universe quickly fizzles out and is dropped from label.

128,000 BC - Neanderthal man bangs two rocks together repeatedly, creating planet's first known "beat". A rival Neanderthal inadvertantly creates planet's first remix by taking first man's rocks and bludgeoning him to death with them. "Beat (Look At That Caveman Go Mix)" becomes monster hit at cave raves, ultimately leading to extinction of Neanderthal man.

1275 BC - God hands down master tablets of "Ten Commandments" to Moses on Mt. Sinai and requests that he work his DJ skillz on them. Moses adds several 'not's, changing the mood and tempo drastically. "Ten Commandments (Don't Do This'n'That Mix)" goes on to become one of the biggest hit singles in the Bible.

1877 - Thomas Edison invents waxed paper phonograph for recording telephone messages. Absent-minded servant places stack next to candle, creating Meltin' Tha Cold Beat Wax, the first-ever remix box set.

1921-1933 - Minor politician Adolf Hitler repeatedly bores crowds with poor speaking skills and bland monotone until 'Minista of the Sinista' Joseph "Gurby" Goebbels' electrifying techno remixes start hitting record store shelves. Enraptured by the fast-paced editing and auto-tuning of the speeches, hard-partying Weimar Republic teens declare Hitler "Tha Fuhrer wit tha Furor."

1967 - The Beatles' critically-panned eighth studio album is given new life upon re-release as Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts (Club Mix). Tracks like "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds (Blue Sunshine Mix)" and "A Day In The Life (Final Chord Disco Mix)" remain classics to this day.

Late '60s-early '70s - American record producer Tom Moulton invents the "dance remix," "breakdown section" and "12-inch single." Sales of Kaopectate skyrocket.

1983 - Ministry's Alain Jourgensen reworks his song "Nature Of Love" into "Nature Of Love (Cruelty B Mix)"; vows that he will never again allow one of his tracks to be remixed.

1983-2008 - Vandals repeatedly break into Alain Jourgensen's recording studio, stealing master tapes and releasing remixes. Police are baffled.

September 29, 2009 - Revolting Cocks' Sex-O MiXXX-O released to overwhelming critical praise. Chicago Tribune rock critic Greg Kot names it "Album Of The History Of Albums Ever," Pitchfork Media awards a perfect 10.0 grade, and Rolling Stone mainstay David Fricke declares it "the most important album to rock a post-W. America since Dylan's masterpiece Together Through Life."

November 17, 2009 - Beloved online record reviewer Mark Prindle opines that Sex-O MiXXX-O isn't quite as rotten as the previous RevCo remix record, but only because the job was farmed out to multiple remixers rather than just Clayton "High-Pitched Swizzly Noises" Worbeck. As such, listeners can gawk in amazement at the artistic visions of such unimpeachable engineering geniuses as Marilyn Manson's keyboardist, Pop Will Eat Itself's drummer, Gravity Kills' bassist and a man who apparently calls himself "MegaJive" on purpose. None of the songs are improved, but considering Sex-O Olympic-O was only slightly above average in the first place, who gives a shit? If this record doesn't make The Onion A/V Club's list of "Least Essential Albums Of 2009," then Jourgensen's got someone on the payroll.

Reader Comments
What????? PWEI had a drummer????? Even though I have their entire discography (huge fan), this was news to me. I saw them live in what was the most disappointing and arguably the worst concert by a non-local band I have ever seen. There was no drummer and at the beginning of every song, they'd push a button to start their sequencer. Then sing and just add a tiny bit of music over it. I stayed around for the main course afterwards which was EMF. EMF had so few songs that they played "Unbelievable" both during the main part of their concert and then again during the encore.

Jason M
Just wanted to say that I thought your "A brief history of the remix" review was particularly inspired, even if the record itself wasn't.
just wanted to say that the Sex-O MiXXX-O review is one of the funniest things you've written in a long time. not that you haven't been funny lately, that one just really really cracked me up.
Holy Shit, Mark, how do you do it? I know nothing about the record in question and I don't particularly give a rat's ass about the band, but I literally laughed the Cheerios out of my nose with this review (i was having breakfast).

You can still be entertaining when writing about the most uneventful records in the history of music. That's a very rare gift! And fucking magazines don't wanna hire you? THE FOOLS!!

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Got Cock? - 13th Planet 2010
Rating = 3

Well, I went to the Grand Vizier's Garden Party
To reminisce with my old friends

Oh hello there! I was just singing one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs, "The Grand Vizier's Garden Party." Am I crazy or have those guys written some of the hookiest songs this side of cowpoke? Here's another of my favorites:

Any colour you like!
Any colour you like!
Go ride a trike
in any colour you like!
(*tap dance solo*)

But enough about Roger Glover and Gary Gilmour; I'm here today to tell you about the new Revolting Cocks album. Remember those hilarious "Got Milk?" advertisements from 1998 where all the celebrities had milk mustaches? Well, the Revolting Cocks have come up with a hilarious and timely parody of it for their new album cover! Unfortunately the album itself is a turgid collection of substandard techno-pop, electro-rock and industrial metal. The drums are super-trebly, the riffs are dull and obvious, and neither the sex-obsessed lyrics (ex. "Meet me in the lavatory/Sneaking will be mandatory/We can tell a dirty story/See you all in Purgatory!") nor the plethora of silly voices add any actual humor to the stinking river of lifeless material. Which reminds me of another great Pink Floyd song:

Up the Khyber (Jukebox)!
Sailing down the trail!
Up the Khyber (Jukebox)!
Ride me on a rail!
(*lap dance solo*)

Did Revco even bother writing any songs before pressing 'record'!? Most of this garbage is just slow electronic house rock or some shit - as faceless as the earliest RevCo material and four times as stupid. There are very few memorable riffs here, the dance-metal "Juice" and (late period) PIL-esque "Filthy Senoritas" being the only melodic standouts (though the industrial pop "Bitch Addictive" and Stones-chorused "Trojan Horse" do have their moments). Can you imagine releasing a two-note mid-'80s techno song like "Dykes" in the year 2010!? It's the year we make contact, for Christ's sake! Or how about "Fuck Monkey," a slow metal song featuring three basic chords? Or "Poke-A-Hot-Ass," another slow metal song featuring three basic chords? And if such brain-twisting math rock is stressing your heart into overdrive, how about "Air Traffic Control," an electro-rock song whose verse features a whopping one single chord? Say, that reminds me of a great Pink Floyd song:

I was driving down the street
In my shiny new sports car
When I shifted gears and found myself
flying from star to star
Interstellar overdrive!
Driving through the sky!
Interstellar overdrive!
Singing Paul McCartney's "Hi Hi Hi"!
(*nap dance solo*)

This is the same exact Revco line-up that released Sex-O Olympic-O just last year! How did they get so much worse so much quickly? Even the push track stinks this time -- a cover of "Me So Horny" that adds absolutely nothing to the 2 Live Crew original. But hey! At least they're kind enough to include "Me So Horny (Remix)," a teaser for the sure-to-be-upcoming Got Dub? CD!

I'll close with a great Pink Floyd song:

Absolutely curtains!
Absolutely curtains!
Everybody loves my
Absolutely curtains!
(*crap pants solo*)

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Got MiXXX? – 13th Planet 2011
Rating = 1

Hi! I’m Rick Dees of “Eat My Shorts” fame. You know, when I’m not busy recording timeless novelty hits for people to enjoy in 1984, I like listening to worthless shitty remixes of albums that sucked to begin with. And now here are some great new television series we’ve got coming up for you on the Fine Living Channel, which went off the air in May 2010:

Conjugate! That! Verb! - This show’s like Wheel of Fortune except instead of spinning a wheel and playing Hangman, I say a verb and you conjugate it. For example, if I said “be,” you’d reply, “am, are, is, are, are, are,” and then I’d yell “Wrong!” even though you were right. In this way, the show would never have to give away any prizes. Also, it costs $5 to play.

The Male View - Make no mistake -- The View is a great goddamned show. But it’s for women! Don’t us guys deserve a show that discusses timely men’s issues from a man’s point of view? We at the now-defunct Fine Living Channel think so, and that’s why we’ve lined up a panel of ‘regular guys next door’ to discuss the pertinent male issues of the day on The Male View! Your hosts are Charlie Sheen, Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson and Courtney Love.

Eat My Shorts: The Television Series - This animated series focuses on a snarky little boy who constantly gets into trouble but laughs it off with catchphrases like “Eat my shorts!” He also has a smart little sister, a mother with gigantic purple hair, and a bald father who works at a nuclear power plant.

This Album SuXXX! - This nightly four-hour program is dedicated to exploring the low quality of the Revolting Cocks’ Got MiXXX? CD. Topics of discussion will include: (a) all the beats seemingly coming from a $49 Yamaha keyboard; (b) the large amount of overdubbed sexual moaning, as if getting a boner is supposed to make up for the songs all sucking complete dick; (c) the fact that even the two songs that used to be good have now had their guitar riffs removed, rendering them as boring as the others; and (d) the likelihood that anybody is actually buying all these shitty remix albums.

Weekend at Matlock’s - This program stars Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman as a couple of young defense attorneys who discover their boss is deceased. Believing that they are responsible for his death and that a hitman won't kill them if Matlock is around, they attempt to convince people that he is still alive. The late Matlock will be portrayed by Andy Griffith’s corpse. I know what you’re thinking!!! But don’t worry. He turns 85 in June, so it’s just a matter of time.

Cryin’ Daze Are Here Again! - This program will revolutionize the television world as the very first situation tragedy (or “sittrag”). Watch with depression and melancholy as a different likable character each week undergoes a new painful trauma (ex. loss of parents, cancer, boyfriend abuse, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, assault). Originally aired on Fox in the mid- to late-‘90s as Party of Five. But we’ve added a “cry track”!

Well, I’d better get going. That sequel to “Get Nekked” isn’t gonna write itself! Heh heh heh.

HEH! Heh heh heh.

Reader Comments

Billy Barron
"Eat My Shorts: The Television Series" outlines exactly where I've always thought the Simpsons went wrong. The early episodes were focused on Bart, but then Homer's stupidity became the main character and the show started its gradual path down the toilet.

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