Be sure and SNATCH a copy of her latest CD as soon as you can!

But be careful not to get a GASH in your finger when you open it!

Hey - TWAT are you doing with that revolver!?

*special introductory paragraph!
*Can't Take Me Home
*Try This
*I'm Not Dead

A long long time ago, way back during the Intronet Digital Revolution Cyber Boom, I accompanied two of my colleagues to pitch the business of some pot-smoking buffoon who was using his billionaire father's money to run some dumbassed startup venture devoted to letting people all over the world play music together over the Internet (I know! A TOTAL moneymaker! Strangely, it failed.). At one point during this sunglass-wearing, long-haired laidback jive-talkin' white guy's presentation, he said something along the lines of, "Y'know cuz I know a lotta people y'knowumsayin' like I had Pink in here and I axed her y'know 'Hey Pink, tell me truthfully how ya feel about this. Y'know, not like what you're thinkin' in your head but what you're feelin' in your heart y'knowumsayin'," and I guess we were supposed to be impressed but I had no idea who Pink was. But as we left his office and one of my colleagues said, with no irony whatsoever, "Wow, I feel so unhip after hanging out with such a cool guy!" I announced that I was going to dedicate the next fifteen years of my life to finding out who this elusive 'Pink' character was. And by God, I did.

Born 'Alecia Moore' on September 8th, 1979, Pink began her career as a black r'n'b singer before turning white and becoming an unruly pop sensation who does things her own way (as long as she has somebody to write all the music for her). I don't know if she winks, but she certainly does stink.

Can't Take Me Home - Arista 2000
Rating = 1

Tell me she's not black on this album cover.

No no, go ahead.

If you're still not convinced, let me share a few of the lyrics with you:

"If a girlfriend's got some game - Couldn't be more fly"

"Shorty's got a job, shorty's got a car, shorty can pay her own rent"

"Most girls want a man with the bling bling/Got my own thing, got the ching ching"

"But I'm not every girl and I don't need no G to take care of me"

"Don't you know that game peeps game"

"There you go, talkin bout you want me back, But sometimes it be's like that"

"My name is Pink and I'm a black R'n'B singer"

Okay, I made up that last one. But would you have been surprised? Would you have been so very surprised?

Actually now that I look more closely, I realize that only a few of the 13 songs are full of all that crazy urban slang lingo, so it's possible that she didn't even write them. But she SINGS 'em!!! Thus supporting my irreconcilable argument that she was BLACK when she recorded this album!!! No arguments! I win, America loses!

I hate every single song on this album. Luckily I only give grades lower than 1 to Madonna albums, so I've rounded this 0 up to a 1. I can't even figure out what I'm supposed to like about this music. It's HORRIBLE! And that's my review.

Let me ask you something, since you're a music scholar: at what point in history did the R&B/Soul genre devolve from the heartfelt, melodic joy of Smokey Robinson, the Four Tops and the Temptations into the tuneless, crawl-paced slop of Babyface, Boyz II Men and R. Kelly? Not that I've spent much time with any of the latter artists but based on their hits, WHY WOULD I!?!??! This debut Pink CD falls right into that territory, with basically every song consisting of a simple, unpleasant minor-key synth note progression, hugely loud fake drums moving at the speed of an actual light, tons of overcompressed harmony vocals, and the most soulful black vocals that Pink could muster, all combined together to support no clear melody at all.

None of these songs are happy. None of these songs are dancey. None are catchy, none are hooky, none are memorable. None are country-western, nor goregrind. One has some 'phone off the hook' and 'busy signal' noises sampled in, and another has some fuzzy tones, which are certainly a plus. But jeez-o-pete, everything about this music is so pushbackable. She sounds irritated in every single song! The vocal melodies do nothing, the ridiculously overcompressed harmony vocals sound like five women screaming at you from inside your brain, and if any of the 'riffs' feature more than four notes, I must've missed 'em while I was plunging the diarrhea out of my eustachian tube.



One second while I issue that note over Female Singer Wire so that they'll all get a chance to see it before the market closes.

Okay, I'm back but I'm also done. If she can't take the time to come up with even ONE decent song, I'm not going to take the time to come up with a decent review. "Pink"? Yeah, more like "African-American"!!!!

Wait no, I thought of a better one. "Pink"? Yeah, more l

Reader Comments
I'm putting this comment in before the inevitable group of pop-lovers and haters begin their huge and annoying caps locked messages to each other.

I think your reviews with low ratings are some of your best reviews on the site. This is not just because I love to hear crap like Pink getting trashed (though I do, of course), it's also because every good reviewer reviews stuff by musicians they love and musicians they don't like whatsoever. Your other reviews like this (Linkin Park, Miles Davis, VU) always get the amazingly stupid comments such as, "If you don't like [band], why are you even reviewing them?" Maybe because Mark reviews all kinds of artists regardless of whether he loves them or not? Not every artist page is going to be all albums rated over five with constant fellating.

Anyway, thought I'd beat the naysayers to the punch (if there even are any), and say great review
And who would want to take you home, Pink? I will confess to being utterly baffled by the marketing plan that results in the creation of a "Pink" and her music. Yes, I'm way outside the target demographic; that hasn't prevented me from appreciating, or at minimum, understanding the existence of plenty of other music.
This just isn't remotely listenable. It is like that annoying buzz a fluorescent bulb makes before it dies: it gives me a sick headache, it never seems to change, and it never seems like it will end.
Mark, your review of this album contains a Zen-like statement that perfectly and eloquently summarizes not only my reaction to Pink's music, but to countless hundreds of worthless albums.
(No, not the sentence about diarrhea and eustatian tubes.)
"I can't even figure out what I'm *supposed* to like about this music."
If more critics would just recognize and admit that, think of the time they (and we) would save. You should slap a copyright on that and make a swell living off the rights.
Seriously, that is one of the greatest critical observations I've ever read. Nicely done.

Add your thoughts?

Missundaztood - Arista 2001
Rating = 3

For this record, Pink turned into a 'punky' 'scrappy' young white girl singing dance-pop and dull alt-pop co-written with Linda Perry of 4 Non-Blondes fame (remember their hit "Hey Yay Yay Yay, Hey Yay Yay, I Said Hey, What's Going On"?). I'll give it this -- I can at least understand why some people might like this record -- young girl people, in particular. Because it's full of very basic sentiments (happy and sad) and very basic major chord sequences that are easy to find catchy if either (a) you haven't heard many records in your life or (b) happy music makes you feel good, regardless of whether it includes any actual ideas. I unfortunately fall into neither category, hence the very low 3 I have awarded it.

So to apply the same question I just asked about the last album - at what point in history did the 'pop' genre devolve from the catchy yet creative music of the Beatles, Monkees and Turtles to the derivative, predictable dearth of ideas that is Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake? I actually OWN one Britney Spears album and there's not a single decent melody on it! So obviously I'm not terribly surprised to find Pink's smash hit album Missundaztood isn't much better.

As an aside, that reminds me of something else I wanted to discuss -- people who make claims like "Slanted & Enchanted was easily one of the finest releases of 1991" or OK Computer was by far the best album of 1997." Now, maybe things were different back in the 60s and 70s, but in the 'compact disc' age, there are literally thousands and thousands and thousands of new releases each year. How many of these CDs do most people actually take the time to listen to? 50 a year? 100? Even if you've heard 500 albums from 1997, that's still nowhere NEAR enough to claim with any accuracy that you've heard the best album of the year. Particularly since quality is completely subjective, but that's a different discussion altogether. The point here is that anyone who makes any sort of claim about 'best album of so-and-so year' sure is putting a lot of faith in the 1% of that year's releases that he or she has actually heard!

But back to Pink. Although it still contains the pianos, organs, synths and fake bass you'd naturally expect to hear on this sort of release, much of Missundaztood is filled with Linda Perry's (basic, but not bad) guitarwork. Unfortunately, this results in a disappointing majority of the songs falling into the Alanis Morrissette/Sheryl Crowe confessional alt-pop subgenre. And I say 'disappointing' because the only two songs on here that I really, really like are the unabashed dance songs "Get The Party Started" and "Respect." These songs are blatantly silly, catchy, dumb, and dancey with fantastic beats that even make my booty move! To my ears, this kind of straight-up disco music has much greater entertainment value than pleasantly boring midtempo songs about all the pain Pink feels -- "Numb," "My Vietnam," "Lonely Girl," "Misery," "Family Portrait," "Dear Diary" - ENOUGH! STOP FUCKING WHINING!!!! Christ, it's like listening to my dog when he wants to go out on the deck.

And therein lies the problem of mediocre songwriters trying to share their genuine feelings and deepest emotions in song form. Since we've ALL felt lonely and hurt and hopeless at various times in our lives, and because we've all heard these sentiments expressed in song thousands and thousands of times, the fact is that if you're not a very good songwriter, you just sound like you're faking it. Maybe Pink really did have a dysfunctional family growing up, and maybe she really HAS had her heart broken so many times that she's afraid to fall in love again, but when her lyrics are as awkward as "Mama please stop cryin'/I can't stand the sound/Your pain is painful and it's/Tearing me down" or as cliched as "Shame on you if you fooled me once/Shame on me if you fooled me twice/I didn't know the price," it's hard to tell if this is Pink being real or simply being "real." The kind of "real" that involves trading in your practiced, pristine, overcompressed urban vocal style for a streetwise, girly 'been through it' delivery that cracks and doesn't quite catch sometimes. The kind of "real" that makes lines like "Tired of being compared/to damn Britney Spears/She's so pretty/That just ain't me" simply REEK of careering Madonna-style image makeover bullshit. Lies, in other words.

But that's the cynical view. The truth is that she was very, very young when she (co-)wrote these songs, and she probably really did want to be a hip white alt-pop singer-songwriter instead of the black soul diva that Babyface wanted her to be. Regardless, this record blows dick. It's just a bunch of very basic midtempo chord progressions and sluggish ballads you've heard a hundred million times, with uneventful vocal melodies on top. Gwen Stefani kinda stuff. NOT FOR MUSIC FANS!

On the other hand, my wife (who is a girl, or woman at very least) gives it a 7 out of 10 and calls it "entertaining, but not great." So if you're a girl, take that into consideration.

Now that the REVIEW bullshit is over with, let's enjoy some jokes!

What would Pink's name be if she married '60s soul music great Eddie Floyd?
Unless she wants to spend the next six months in court looking at Roger Waters' gigantic nose, "Alecia Floyd"

What do you get when you cross Pink with King Crimson's Red, Joni Mitchell's Blue and REM's Green?
75% great music, 25% soiled labia

What do you get when you cross Pink with a panther?
A sleek black wildcat that has like three good songs

That's enough jokes. Let's move on to the next crappy album.

Reader Comments
I don't quite remember which song it was, but somehow, of the few musical purchases my mom made last year, Pink's Mizzaundastanding was one of them. And considering that my mom bought maybe, oh, 4 albums a year (Radio person I guess? I'd go crazy...), that cd got heavy fuggin' rotation in the car. And yes, a three is about right. I actually sort of like the down-trodden sacharine of "Just Like A Pill", and the little ringing effect in the drum beat makes me think it is a Christmas song. Not that that's so great, since I was born Jewish and all...but eh, still. Its pleasant. Unfortunatly, just about every other song just doesn't really do it for me at all...perticularly, that shitty duet "Misery" with that one guy who's name escapes me at the moment because I never learned it and because I don't give a shit...

3. "Empowering" girl pop that is rarley offensivley bad, but never remarkable.
Just thought it would be relevent to note that her stage name is actually spelt "P!nk" , but pronounced as "Pink". That last bit is important, otherwise people would be calling her "Pee Chk Nuk". Hehe! Though such a name would be palpable with all this racial confusion.

By the way, thanks for reminding me of that "Family Portrait" song, with it's profound belting of "AND I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO HAVE TO CHANGE HER LAST NAME!". Truly an artist for the years... blagh. (Dahlia)
Uh, maybe Pink sucks, but Gwen Stefani's Love Angel Music Baby rules. And I mean it literally, is fuckin awesome, even better than The Immaculate Collection. At first, I thought the record was merely tolerable, but now I find it amazingly addictive. Like dickson said, those records are only good if every song could be a single. And it's quite true in this case. Except for the last track, that blows fuckin' dick, and I never ever listen to it, but is not like I'm making a big deal of it. Plus I love Gwen Stefani voice. By the way, both linda perry and Louis "The Incredible Machine" Armstrong appear on it.

I've also heard a Britney Spears record, In The Zone, and after listening with the skip button in hand, I knew it was like, the worst record I had ever heard, plus, unlike Mariah Carey or Christina Aguilera, her voice is awful. It still was better than some of the shit that Moby "Play(s)".

LW, The Right Wing Liberal
Once again Prindeley, you have shown that, despite your political dumbfoolery, you can still hit the nail on the head - on nail some pink in a bed or - Barney some stink named Fred. HELLO VIETNAM!

I agree this ex pornstar's name is an underwhelmingly sly play on one of those names for a vagina, but that's aboot it (Canadian).

Did you know that in Canada the railroad box cars have Canadian National spelled the English way on one side and Canadien National the Frog way spelled on the other? Don't believe me? Go on up to Canada aboot 10 miles over the line eh? Then Bob's yer uncle (and you know what that means) you'll see that I am am right and you are right and everything is quite correct.

I really love Get This Party Started. It's a real thumper - but the rest of the cd bites great donkey dick. And while there are those who go for that, I don't. (Perhaps miss Oysterstein - Pinks real last name according to Prickepedia - look it up, but don't forget the dot smut at the end - does) . GTPS is no Anarchy in the UK or even Wonder Girl, but it's a wonder what you can find if you really look. I have waited in vain for Ms. Oysterstein to do another as good, but she did another and he's not talking.

Add your thoughts?

Try This - Arista 2003
Rating = 3

This time 'round, Phink is collaborating with Tim Armstrong of the aptly-named Clash tribute band Rancid. Shockingly, when a weak songwriter collaborates with a rotten songwriter, the end result is a shitty fucking album! I'm exhausted. If I were in a better mood, I wouldn't have said such horrible things about these two hard-working young people.

Wait - Tim Armstrong is THIRTY-NINE!?!??!

Okay, I still would have said horrible things about that incontinent old retiree, but not Pink. She just a girl doin' her thang. She and Tim just doin' they thang. So the big leap forward this time involves an infusion of fuzzy punk-esque guitars and a higher percentage of uptempo beats that attempt to breathe new life into the usual generic alt-rock chord changes, hookless vocal melodies, organs and electronic drums you've grown to love in the Pink discography. However, regardless of its similar grade of 3, this record's actually a significant step up from Missnottoogood in that it features not a mere two, but a full THREE(!!!) excellent energetic slamming driving ass-bumping songs: the fast driving angry rocker "Last To Know," Can-esque sultry pulsating "Oh My God," and wonderfully zesty and speedy glam-punker "Humble Neighborhoods." You'd think that a partnership capable of developing three songs this hoTTT, energetic and danceable would be capable of bypassing run-of-the-mill girl alt-rock like "Trouble" and "Unwind" but you'd be mistaken, or at least wrong.

Then of course Linda "Joe" Perry's back for a few more stinky runs round the old cliche track -- although I'll be fair and admit that her sorrowful "Waiting For Love" guitar riff could have laid the groundwork for yet a fourth fantastic song on this record if not for its accompanying goofy pseudo-psychedelic noises and Pink's absolutely RANK melodramatic vocal delivery. Thanks for nothing, Linda "Steve" Perry! Keep up the foul work, Linda "Refrigerator" Perry!

I hate to reference outside critical commentary because I like to think of myself as an Inclusively Critical man. However, I am going to make an exception this time because it absolutely boggles my mind to read the All-Music Guide entry for Pink and see Stephen Thomas Erlewine use phrases like "unique, forceful personality," "an original, dynamic sound" and "among the best pop of its given year." Is this guy seriously talking about the same albums I've been listening to all week? The ones that have made me shudder in embarrassment on behalf of MUSIC ITSELF!? For Try This in particular, Erlewine somehow hears "pop music that knows no boundaries, borrowing ideas from punk, soul, ska, new wave, and electronica to create an exhilarating listen that crackles with energy and inventiveness." Yeah, sure it does. In THREE SONGS. The rest is a pish-posh of tuneless ballads and blandly pleasant happy gurl songs with nothing innovative to say in either the melody or lyric department.

But whatever. And this isn't a case like jazz, where I can say, "Dude, I simply don't like pop music. That's the problem." I certainly DO like pop music! But, like ANY form of music, it has to be in some way catchy, memorable or innovative -- THAT is what makes great pop music. Like the first New Pornographers album. Or Paul Revere & The Raiders' Spirit of '67. Or Madonna's first record. But categorizing something as 'pop music' (and therefore, what, less substantial or timeless than other types of music?) is no excuse for lowering your standards of quality to the point where three basic chords and a girl singer suddenly qualify as 'tremendous' and 'grabbing.'

Believe me, I've heard something like 20,000 albums in my life, and these Pink records are not anywhere near engaging or innovative enough to waste your time or money on, particularly when there is so much other great and emotionally rewarding pop music out there. If you're a 14-year-old girl, fine. But anybody else -- what in God's name do you hear in this colostamy bag of substandardry? It's just the same old tired shit that alt-rock women have been playing since the early '90s, but with a bigger recording budget and a sluttier outfit!

In conclusion, here's a quick breakdown: her first album is soulless modern r'n'b, her second is singer-songwriter alt-pop that starts happy and winds up morose as hell, and her third is fuzzy, uptempo alt-pop with distorted guitars. And one and all, they are dead BORING. And that's the big problem really, when I get right down to it. You hear "Get The Party Started" on the radio and think, "Wow! What a fun dance-pop song!" and then you buy the album and there's only one other song that's even in the same genre. Yes, the first album is awful, because modern r'n'b is a repulsive category of music. But the second and third Pink albums aren't really so much 'awful' as just incredibly DULL.

However, GREAT NEWS! She has a brand new album coming out in just a few days! Entitled I'm Not Dead, it features the ugliest cover art of the last 25 years! Put me on the guest list because I'm ALL OVER that shit!

And I do mean "shit"!

Speaking of which, some guy with a blog called me an 'asshat' this week. People don't realize how cruel their made-up words can be.

I mean, what if I really DID earn a living by pressing down on peoples' buttockses to keep them warm on wintry days? Why don't people think about things like this before spreading their hate and satire?

Look, it's a perfectly legitimate profession. I'm not saying it's for everybody, but the pay is good and the people are nice, and what would you prefer them to do - get a cold buttock? Hell, you probably would, and that's the problem with today's young people. Can't appreciate a hard-working asshat.

Reader Comments
Man Mark, you sure know how to make someones day a little less serious. I'm sitting here reading your reviews for pink and yes these albums are pretty awful. What is so damn depressing is that about 5 years ago i was listening to stuff like that. Oh thank god i met up with frank zappa fans and checked out some actual music. You know what i mean?
Hey it's me again!! I do hope I'm not starting to annoy you. I just wanted to say that I read your Pink reviews, and I must say, very, very, funny. You should review more bands, or musicians (although she's neither, ha!) that suck because you're at your best when lambasting the...shall we say, the more inferior types of music? That Madonna review you did for American Life was also brilliant.

As for the punk who had the audacity to call you an asshat, this might help:

And Stephen Thomas Erlewine? He's a fag.
Never...and I mean [i]never, ever, ever, ever[/i]...did I think I would see newly butchtastic non-pink-haired crudball pop "singer" Pink and the unbelievable, psychedelic-nirvana-inducing jamming longhaired nutjobs Can in one review. If the song is actually like Can, then it might actually be good...a shocking proposition to be sure.

anyone else think she was better looking when she actually had pink hair and wasn't as big as she is now? oh's not really for me to say since I wasn't interested in her then or now.
Beautiful job of those reviews man, you made my day. I agree with the guy above in saying that I love that you give people like this a fair chance, even when it turns out they suck ass. The guy from Rancid helped write Try This, that is so wierd and I never would have guess that. I actually like a lot of Steven Erlewine's writing, but yeah he can be a sellout, and shit like Pink and Kid Rock do not deserve the praise he gives them, even if they are "good for what they do". What does that mean? A band can be good at sucking musically? Well damn, I guess "I like all kinds of music then" and I'm "into everything", you know rap, country, emo, evvvvverything!
Hey you. Speaking of Erlewine, I think I've deciphered how he burns. He wouldn't consider his reviewing ethos "lowering [his] standards," as it were, but rather trying to listen to the album as if HE were a teenybopper 14-year-old baby sitter who was, like, SO into Laguna Beach and that FOX from the OC *giggle* (but, somehow, also gave a shit about the quality of individual albums, when she probably would just download the singles off iTunes and play them thirty times an hour at their debutante balls. And I do mean BALLS)

Yeh, there's the problem. 14-year-old girls outnumber us musically literate people in the pantheon of pop addicts, so pop music is, generally, made for them, not us. So Erlewine practices "doublethink"--he shifts his. . . uh, paradiggum, if you will. Believe you me, I tried that once and STILL couldn't get through a late-period Chicago album. Singles and crap, ma friend, singles and CRAP. The best (or, rather, tolerable) modern pop albums dat manage dis are the ones where EVERYTHING can be a single, like Come On Over or. . . well, that's pretty much it. Probably.

Speaking of which, I've never listened to this ugly, ugly girl. Maybe she doesn't suck. I know not (yet).

P.S.: To any Pink fans out there, that "ugly ugly" comment was a mere aethetic observation, and had nothing to do with his/her musical ability. Put DOWN that word-gun.
"The ones that have made me shudder in embarrassment on behalf of MUSIC ITSELF!?"

That's a great turn of phrase - I feel like that all the time. In other news, I can't believe you like Blood Brothers. Terrible band.

Now I am going to go back to dying of stomach flu.
I'd just like to add to your skewering of this that she's ripping off a classic 60's track, Spirit's "Fresh Garbage," on the song "Feel Good Time." That awesome riff belongs to Randy California and a good song, not Pink.
Who's Randy California?


Enough of that. We're here to talk about Pink's aptly-named third piece of product, Try This (Sugary Modern Dance Pop).

Typical Prindle. Not only do you blow it a raspberry, but the songs you like are the worst on the damn album! Okay, "Humble Neighborhoods" is complex and rockin' and catchy and all, but "Last to Know"??? "Oh My God"??? THESE are songs that give pop music a bad name! Filler city, I say. And "Waiting for Love"?? Well, at least we agree that the vocals blow on that one.

But the rest of the album? Not bad. Actually, I'm not even sure we listened to the same album. Sure, it's not innovative, but "uncatchy"?? No more uncatchy than the Stooges' "1969." The difference is, this girl has all the sequencers and extra production corporations and cocaine can offer, and Iggy and his thugs just have a wah-wah pedal. Come to think of it, she SHOULD be held to a higher standard than those without means. Still, all the gloss, bells, whistles, and energy renders the album a lot more listenable than it would be otherwise. If you recorded these same songs with a piano, guitar bass, drums, no harmony vocals, and a mike. . . well, I'd probably rate the result not much higher than you did.

Then, of course, there's the argument: "She's so much worse than [fill in blank with indie band's name here, preferably the Wrens]!! Why do people buy THIS crap?"


Eight out of ten. Highlights: The two hits at the beginning, "Tonight's the Night," and to a milder extent, every song on the second half, particularly the ballad at the end. No drama-queen grrrrrrrl melodramatics there, just ethereal nocturnal fuzziness. And yeah, "Trouble" isn't that well-written a song, I'll agree, but dammit, I just like the guitar tone.

(To ease your disappointment, Mark, I just listened to Zaireeka, and it's mind-blowing. Even without the four-CD-simultaneous thingamajig--I got a burned copy that had all four CD's dubbed over each other into one master. Wotta trip. Better than OK Computer, no question.)

Add your thoughts?

I'm Not Dead - La Face 2006
Rating = 1

Yeah, more like I'm Not GOOD, if you ask me!!!!

I was debating between that opening line and "I'll work on my aim," but figured the former was more in keeping with my non-violent image.

Pink follows up her first three godawful pieces of shit with I'm Not Dead, an awful, awful, brutal, miserable, godFUCKINGAWFUL bowl of manure pressed into CD form. This is her attempt to show that she's grown into a mature female singer-songwriter, and it is oh sweet Christ SO FUCKING FUCKBAD. Half the songs are ballads, and the other half have big giant melodramatic choruses that sound like Linkin Park with a girl singing instead of a homosexual.

If you're looking for an actual 'pop' song from this so-called 'pop' artist, it's called "Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)" and can be found at track number 8 on your CD player. This uptempo, melodic little ditty will quickly burrow its way into your bubblegum heart with its plethora of curse words and true-to-life lyrics about absence making the heart grow fonder. The rest of the album is composed of cliched chord changes and non-existent vocal melodies, presented through a variety of tedious musics ranging from dull acoustic folk to boring piano balladry to sleep-inducing modern r'n'b to snoretastic political protest (with special guests The Indigo Ladies!) to nearly-passable old-school rap-rock to big guitar crying emotional Linkin Park pussyboy music. If you're into Pink for the dance beats, you're shit out of a paddle there too because only maybe three of these songs are fast enough to dance to; the rest slop around in mid-to-slow-tempo 'seriousness.'

The lyrics aren't bad; she describes emotional pain realistically, encourages young girls to be think for themselves instead of trying to be popular, and makes a few worthy anti-Bush points in "Dear Mr. President" (once you get past the cliched "What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?" stuff at the beginning). It's just that the music offers no memorable melodies, beats or hooks at all. I could see some of it appealing to young teenaged girls, what with the overdramatic "Nobody understands me, and I ache!" choruses (comprised entirely of 'emotional' chord sequences pre-tested in dozens of other youth angst anthems throughout the decades), but fans of actual music shouldn't come within 5 miles of this piece of crap. You can't even jerk off all over the cover, her new hairstyle looks so stupid!

And that, I feel, is the most accurate way to rate the merit of a musical work: whether or not you can jerk off all over the cover.

I'd appreciate you not mentioning the "9" that I gave to Yes's Going For The One. I was young, and I needed the money.

Reader Comments
"I was debating between that opening line and 'I'll work on my aim,'"

That one is much better.

I'm not sure why I'm spending my time reading Pink reviews, considering that I've never heard a song by her in my life.
what did pink do to you?!? I dont get why youre such a bitch to her. i understand that youre just voiceing your opinion on her music but you dont have to go on and on. all your website is about is dissin artists that ur jealous of. JUST SHUT UP

Now, I'm not knocking the bashing. Everyone in the world has the right to knock an album, and they ESPECIALLY have the right to knock the buttockular gluteus naked man's ass that constitutes the most hilarious part of Yes's eighth album (well, that and "Awaken" of course).

But "cliched chord changes and non-existent vocal" etc.??? Okay, I'll agree with the former. But the latter is a lie from Satan himself. Or rather, a prime example of doublethink. I blame Big Brother for this lie. This big, big, evil lie from Liesvile.

In any case, both are irrelevant: Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables has both problems in SPADES and is still a mildly enjoyable listen. Then again, it also has loud speedy guitars. So here's my assessment:

Mark doesn't like this kind of music. And I. . . er, tolerate it. But I don't tolerate postmodern freejazzy trebly disjointed guitar boink like Pavement. And that, as they say, is hat. So hair.

Oh wait, the album. I'm Not Dumb is a serious improvement over Try This, and it also, I think, knocks every Madonna album into the ground. (By the way, I'd give her debut a low 7. Sure, it's unpretentious and the girl just wants to have a good time, but good times don't suture my colon. I'm a fan of PSEUDO-SERIOUS music, dig? A fan of PRETENTIOUS MANNERISM, understand? MY ARTISTS DON'T CRACK A SMILE, DAGNAVVIT. OR A BARREL. AAAAAAH.) No meandering amelodic bitchfests like "Last to Know" or "Oh My God" here; here we just have consistently glorious weighty whiny pomposity. It's what the girl's GOOD at, see? "Good times", "unpretentious", "bubbly"--pssht. Why do we need that when we can have CATHARSIS? That's what I'd like to know.

"Non-existent melodies"? Pfft. Whatever. It's more melodic than any Madonna album at least. (And you know THAT'S an standard to live by. . . )

Highlights: The three acoustic songs ("Dear Mr. President", track 11, and the bonus track), "Leave Me Alone", "Who Knew," and "Fingers"--even though the last track clearly rips off the Spencer Davis group's "I'm a Man." (Hey, I too just referenced an obscure '60's band in a Pink review! AIN'T I THE GREATEST??!?)

All I can say is: if this is indeed a one-rating album, Australia has turned its back on rock and roll itself. The album now has beat Thriller for most consecutive weeks in the top ten in the former home of AC/DC. Christ.

That, and eight songs from the album were released as singles.


Stars and garters.

Not that that means anything. I just wanted to warn you in case. . . y'know, you decide to vacation in Sydney or something.

PS - That "ain't I the greatest" bit was a reference to the whole Randy California business. I just realized YOU made a reference to an obscure '60's band as well. Well I'll be canned.

Also, to warn you in advance, Shania Twain's Come on Over rips wholesale the riffs to ZZ Top's "La Grange", The Beatles' "Birthday", some unknown Motown group's song that goes "whooooa, oh-oooh, oh-oh. Oh. Oh-oh" and Mutt Lange's own "Pour Some Sugar On Me." And every drum beat AC/DC ever wrote (two).
"And that, I feel, is the most accurate way to rate the merit of a musical work: whether or not you can jerk off all over the cover.

I'd appreciate you not mentioning the "9" that I gave to Yes's Going For The One. I was young, and I needed the money."

Hahahahaha!!!! Oh man, I just fucking died laughing at that one!

Hope all is good at your end. And sorry for not getting back to you sooner, but yes I enjoyed the Hollies "Buddy Holly" album review.

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Funhouse - LaFace 2008
Rating = 2

Hi, I'm Stephen Thomas Erlewine of All-Music Guide. Sparkles!.... Well-crafted, immediate.... chops!

Sultriness! Smashing amalgam of.... bewildering!

Dazzling? Vibrant, alive.... bubbles!

Why did Pink cross the road?
Imagination! Hooky, glitzy.... SEXY!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Artistic statement!
Artistic statement who?
Artistic statement swaggering!!!! Sounds, attitudes -- dancefloor!

Badass unique dance-rock nakedly forceful crackles!

What do you get when you cross personality with energy?
Exhilarating inventiveness and dynamic! EXCEPTIONALLY WELL-WRITTEN!

Person A: Strong!
Person B: Catchy!
Person A: Sturdily....songcraft!
Person B: Fearless, sly!
Person C: Well, I think you're both crazy. After all, tremendous pop record! Ha ha!
Person A: Ha ha!
Person B: Yeah! Ha ha! Immediately grabbing!

Stewardess: "Best pop music of its given year?"
Waiter: "No thank you, giant leap forward!"

Knows no boundaries! Melancholy arpeggiated "Sober" personal string section! Multi-harmony vocals "Ave Mary A" celebrates her flaunt bling! Disco-boogie title track "This used to be a funhouse/Now it's filled with evil clowns" risky! Pretty piano ballad "Glitter In The Air" sung with the zeal of a reflection - teenager!

"It's like you're the swing set/And I'm the kid who falls": smart, funny, sexy, catchy, and best of all, surprising and unpredictable!

"Wind me up and watch me go/Where she stops, nobody knows": intelligent, witty, erotic, hooky, and best of all, unexpected and unforeseeable!

"So what? I'm still a rock star!": genius, hilarious, sultry, singalongable, and best of all, confounding expectations!

Some critics might claim, "Some pissy stuff, some sad stuff -- all completely obvious and melodically uncompelling. Electronic noises, strings, guitars, hipster." But those who argue that this album only has one good song (poppy heartbreaker "It's All Your Fault"), along with a few surprisingly tuneful passages (piano line of "Glitter In The Air", interesting verse chord changes of "One Foot Wrong") are proof positive that there are few pop musicians more pink in the 2000s than exciting.

In conclusion, sassy eclectic divorce!

Reader Comments
Hey Mark, as a long-time visitor to your site I will dare to say this is the funniest review you've written in the history of ever! It's a psychedelic hipster ride!

You seem to know very well about the lexicon and general vapidity of AMG-style shit reviews. Was it some kind of field study you did when you were trying to land a job there or something?

Anyway, I'm glad to see that your latest association with right-wing criminals hasn't deteriorated your style one iota!

Name Withheld By Request
i unwittingly combined marijuana and reading your review of the new pink album. I don't think i've ever laughed so hard in my life.

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You're out of your mind if you actually want to buy one of these pieces of crap, but feel free to click on this link.

If you love Pink, you'll love looking at pictures of Mark Prindle's dick on

I mean, presumably.