The hottest metal band alive!!!

(it's gotta be like 200 degrees inside those costumes)

*special introductory paragraph!
*Let There Be Gwar
*Scumdogs Of The Universe
*America Must Be Destroyed
*This Toilet Earth
*Carnival Of Chaos
*We Kill Everything
*You're All Worthless And Weak
*Slaves Going Single
*Violence Has Arrived
*War Party
*Live From Mt. Fuji
*Beyond Hell
*Lust In Space
*Bloody Pit of Horror

Gwar is the mindbaby (cerebral offspring) of Virginian minion Dave Brockie, who one day in the '80s said, "Hay let's dress up in big monster costumes, play offensive heavy metal and drench our audiences in fake blood." The result was an outstanding, hilarious stage act that also apparently recorded a bunch of albums. I urge (a music war) you to read Gwar's data-tastic Wikipedia entry ( for in-depth information regarding their background, characters, mythology, videos, censorship problems and concept albums. Rather than repeating information that can easily be found there, I will instead focus on what the albums actually sound like.


No, just kidding. They of course all sound like the work of talented American musicians


Reader Comments
I remember leaving a comment on your MySpace asking you to review GWAR and you sent me a message, all psyched out:

"Holy shit, I was just reviewing GWAR as you sent that very message! WOW HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!"

(note: cheap plug for my MySpace:

Anyway, GWAR has been a strange band in my musical evolution. I started listening at the age of 14. I saw the video for 'Penguin Attack' on MTV2 here in the UK at 3am and decided to investigate further. Gradually, I became obsessed and i'd say for a couple of years they were my favourite band. Sadly, that was the first and only time I have seen them on TV

I've slowly grown out of them and think that having all their CDs stuck between the likes of Elton John and John Lennon is a little strange. I still appreciate how hard they work and recognise how killer some of their earlier albums were.

Hell-o! - Shimmy Disc 1988
Rating = 8

The album title is an uproarious pun playing up the similarities between the words "Hello" and "Hell," all the song titles feature extraneous umlauts and tilde's, and one of the songs is called "Ollie North." Webster's Dictionary defines this as "the first sentence in a record review," but to the rest of the world it's si

Gwar began its delightful recording career as a sleazy lo-fi quintet whose brief, catchy songs combined pissed-off metallic chord changes, punk energy and '70s hard rock cliches - before being buried under the same impenetrable fog of reverb used by Shimmy Disc's Kramer to ruin every album he touched in the late '80s. Only 5 of these 16 songs reach the 3-minute mark (6 don't even make it to 2 minutes!), and it's this appreciation of brevity and avoidance of attention-killing draggy sections that make Hell-O! so much easier to enjoy than their more traditionally metallic material. That's my opinion anyway. Apparently most people hate this album, and me.

That production though, yeesh. The buzzsaw rhythm guitar certainly sounds like it wants to razor your head off, but there is absolutely NO color in the mix -- just a 38-minute onslaught of pure gray sound. The fact that so many memorable melodies sneak out from behind such an unforgivingly drab, depressing mix says quite a bit about the band's punk-metal riffin' skills at the time. And yes the songs are simple, but 'guitar people' can still enjoy the lead guitarist ceaselessly laying doodly solo licks on top of the rhythm player's anger-fuzz. And bass and drum people can acknowledge the presence of both bass and drum on the LP.

Although listed as vocalist Oderus Urungus, lead guitarist Flattus Maximus, rhythm guitarist Balsac The Jaws Of Death, bassist Beefcake The Mighty and drummer Nippleus Erectus, this incarnation of the band actually featured Dave Brockie, Dewey Rowell (White Cross, Unseen Force), Steve Douglas, Michael Bishop and Rob Mosby (White Cross). By the third album, only Brockie and Bishop would remain, with Douglas eventually winding up in Log and The Shiners, and the other guys disappearing off the face of the Internet. Douglas' pisso guitar tone in particular would be missed as the band immediately converted into a Metal Blade band for the second album.

Regardless of its mono-faceted punk/metal tone, Hell-O! finds Gwar already incorporating the stylistic diversity that would mark the larger part of their career. Standouts include the super-gleeful pop-punker "AEIOU," fast-as-hell hardcore spitter "World O Filth," funky butt-shaker "Captain Crunch," heartfelt acoustic rocker "GWAR Theme," tribal blurb "Bone Meal," noise/pseudo-Eastern/punk/70's rock epic "Techno's Song" and hilarious album-ending Kiss parody/homage "Rock & Roll Party Town," which takes care to plod along just as slowly as any of your favorite songs by that fine make-upped combo featuring Paul Simon and Gene Stanley.

Lyrical matter, intoned by Brockie in a slightly lower-than-average shouted delivery with his reverbed band occasionally piping in, includes rape, homosexuality, murder, feces and rock'n'roll. Sample tact includes:

"Hey there girl - do you like my big dick?"

"It's up my butt - the USA"

"Turn on the ovens, get in the shower/Get out the wheelbarrows, we'll be at it for hours!"

"We grant you sweet release from your useless life/Of your heart I'll have a piece impaled on my knife"

"Where's my fucking axe?/Don't need no shit-playing sax!"

"Humanity is on its knees/With little boys..."

"That girl outside/She said she'd lick but she lied"

"I'll bring you a big coat of butter to slick your dead dick way"

That last line was of course from the hit single "I'm In Love (With A Dead Dog)," later covered by Celine Dion for Titanic II: Flying Boat. But it's worth noting that even in their first recordings, this 'cartoon band' was already as morally offensive as GG Allin, Skrewdriver and The Mentors mixed together in a blender and poured into an upturned Peaches. People just didn't notice because the vocals were all shouted from across the room.

I'm depressed and I have to use the bathroom. Maybe I should try to cheer myself up by holding in my urine for six days and dying.

But even as depressed as I am, I still enjoyed the daylights out of listening to this album twice in a row as I reviewed it! Unfortunately, I enjoyed up all the daylights and now my world is morbidly black.

Okay, I'm not that depressed. But I'm certainly tired! Can't I get some sympathy for being tired?? You asshole pricks!!! Where's my sympathy?!

"Sympathy For The Deviled Egg Fan"
C/O Mark Prindle
Fuck You Town, USA

Wouldn't it be awesome if there really were a city called "Fuck You Town, USA"? Somebody go found one. Steal it from the Indians; they've got plenty of land. Fuckin' money-grubbing Indians, playing baseball in Cleveland.

Reader Comments
I go back and forth on this one. After about fifteen straight listens, the simple metal/punk riffs seem kind of repetitive. Check out the Shimmy cd version for a pre-Scumdongs version of "Black and Huge", which is the first appearance of Mike Derks on a Gwar record. (Apollo)
I give this record a 10. This was a HUGE favorite back in the day and it still makes me smile! Yeah, the production is kinda "underground" - though you might do well to find the original vinyl LP. That's the version I know + love. I remember when it came out on CD, it sounded bad - like it was remixed to be more "metal" sounding with that reverb or whatever. The LP is kinda lofi sounding but is awesome. This is the only record I ever heard from GWAR that is listenable as a standalone album. I had the fortune to see 'em in 1989 at City Gardens in Trenton (Ween opened!) when they were still performing this material. They had a different drummer than on the record who made the songs sound much tighter, but they still were totally punk and ideosyncratic sounding. I wish there were soundboard recordings of that show! The year after I saw them again but by then the music had taken a back seat - more just generic metal, provided as a soundtrack for "rock n wrestling". The great drummer was gone, supposedly had a nervous breakdown or something. The new record was the same to my ears, too generic metal, I preferred the crafty punkish tunes of the Hell-O period, the arty crappy lofi production made the brilliant satire and songwriting stand out. Ah well, tis better to have rocked and lost than never to have rocked at all.

PS thank you Leif Hunneman for turning me on to GWAR!
I have to agree with the 'onslaught of pure gray sound' comment. It's dull, it's flat - but that in itself creates a special quality for this album. This is early GWAR before they had really established what they were going to be. Still, it holds many GWAR classics: 'Gwar Theme', 'Captain Crunch', 'U Aint Shit', 'As Pure as the Arctic Snow' and 'Bone Meal' just to name a few.

They would go on to make stronger albums, but this one holds a place in my heart. The start of something magical.
Man I can remember just like yesterday riding in a cutlass, drunk as shit moshing to Captain Cruncha Cruncha Cruncha…

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Let There Be Gwar - Slave Pit 2004
Rating = 5

This compilation compiles a compilated cum pile of compost recorded before Hell-O!, the highlight being four of that album's songs as sung by original vocalist Joey Slutman. The neat thing about Slutman is that he actually sounds like a monster! (or the singer of Sore Throat) The bad thing about Slutman is that you can't understand a word he says and his voice has no personality. Nevertheless, these four selections are by far the most riveting and satisfying on the album -- a mixture of '70s hard rock and chainsaw punk. As Chevy Chase once said, "Yes! Ahahaha...I like it."

The rest of the disc features the first Oderus-led line-up demoing eight Hell-O! songs and three never-released tracks, which you'd think would be a swell time. Unfortunately, due either to tape deterioration or simple cheapness, the mix is consummately appalling. You can tell by the guitar tone that it's supposed to sound like metal, but everything is ear-splittingly trebly and reverbed to such a degree that it literally sounds like somebody is playing two copies of the tape at the same time, one a second ahead of the other. In the words of Chevy Chase, "This is no way to run a desert!"

The three rarities and scarities are:

A) "Techno's Song" - An uptempo instrumental headbanger that's not too bad, I guess. As Chevy Chase once put it, "Don't sell yourself short, (song); you're a tremendous slouch."

B) "Eat Steel" - Not THAT "Eat Steel." This one is a fuzzed-out punk-metal tune with an ugly squealing guitar note at the beginning of each line. As Chevy Chase might put it, "Can I borrow your towel for a sec? (This song) just hit a water buffalo."

C) "Gor-Gor" - Not THAT "Gor-Gor." This one begins as a hooky punk-metal riffer-roll before falling apart into four hours of noise and sound effects. I believe it was Chevy Chase who once said, "This (song) in office is an uneducated, real lying schmuck, and we still couldn't beat him with a bore like Kerry."

So how could I award such a terrible record 5 dots out of 10? Because the Hell-o! songs themselves are so much fun! And I'll tell you something; this is no longer an album. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun, we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles!! You'll be whistling "Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah" out of your assholes!!! Or, in the words of Chevy Chase, "Hey Terry Sweeney, since you're gay you should give me a blow job and then die of AIDS."

Reader Comments
I had just quoted Chevy Chase's classic Vacation rant in an IM conversation (which, in retrospect, was pretty faggy of me) seconds before reading this review! Why is your website such a haven for Sting's fabled 'synchronicity'?

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Scumdogs Of The Universe - Metal Blade 1990
Rating = 7

Boy howdy, Henry The Dog sure got an education last night! I walked him to Central Park for a nice walk in the snow at 12:30 AM, because we all know how much the little man loves to sniff out raccoons and bark at them. I actually didn't think there would be any racoons out on this particular night due to the snow, but what did Henry find? To paraphrase the third Dayglo Abortions album, "Two Raccoons Fucking!" And man overboard was he intrigued by the spectacle. There they were, two adorable racons with their little bandit faces up there on the branch, snow floating downward in a heavenly arc as the (presumably) male pumped away in the style of a dog on the relaxed form of the (presumably) female. Henry watched them for like half an hour, and they were still 'making racccooon babies' when we left the park! Every once in a while, Henry would angrily stand on his hind legs and bark at them to come down so he could chase them, but most of the time he just stood in rapt fascination as I stood nearby and tried to explain the birds, the bees and the monkees (raaccoonns) to him. And you couldn't see the guy's dick or anything, so I felt it was okay for my son to watch. It was more of a nature film than a racoon porno, if you will.

So Gwar gets signed to Metal Blade, buys huge amps and thrash-metal pedals, hires a competent producer, and... begins their new album with an NWA parody. You might not recognize it as such from the ass-kicking metal riff and unrelated chorus (I certainly didn't!), but a quick comparison of "Gangsta Gangsta" and "The Salaminizer" reveals the world for the charade it is:

NWA: "Here's a little somethin' 'bout a nigga like me/Never shoulda been let out the penititary"

Gwar: "Here's a little something from a God to a slave/I never shoulda been let out the fucking microwave!"

NWA: "Takin' a life or two, that's what the hell I do/you don't like how I'm livin'? Well, fuck you!"

Gwar: "Burning a mall or two, blowing the load I spew/You don't wanna fucking fuck me? I'll Fuck you!"

NWA: "This is a gang, and I'm in it/My man Dre'll fuck you up in a minute"

Gwar: "This is your ass, and I'm in it/My man Sexy'll fuck you up in a minute"

NWA: "With a right, left, right, left, you're toothless/And then you say, 'Goddamn they ruthless!'"

Gwar: "With an axe, sword, mace, pike, you're limbless/Then I'll fuck your ass till its rimless!"

Ridiculous, isn't it?

This was the release that introduced Gwar as heavy metal monsters, but strangely they wouldn't record another album this metallic for several years. A couple of line-up changes had occurred since Hell-O!, but they were quite successful ones - Scumdogs drummer Brad Roberts ('Jizmak Da Gusha') and rhythm guitarist Mike Derks remain in the band to this very day! (2007) !

The guitar tones are straight-up thrash metal, but most of the beats remain doggedly in the midtempo range. The songs are mostly built upon angry heavy metal power chords and a melodic lead guitar -- again, there isn't a ton of technicality going on here, but that's probably just as well considering the weight of their stage costumes and insanity of their stage show spectacle. And, for better and worse, all the songs are now twice as long. Better, because the best songs really have time to progress, creep into your system, and combine multiple related riffs into an impressive unified whole. Worse, because the weakest songs drag on forever and several coulda-been-great songs screech to a grinding halt thanks to dull, trudging middle sections. Come on - only ONE song shorter than 3 minutes? More than half the album comprised of 4-minutes-plus epics? What kind of attention span do you people take me for!?

On the singing side, Brockie has added a tremendous amount of Monster Gravel to his vocal delivery, actually making him sound like the giant meat-faced beast that he plays onstage. He's also turned over three tracks to his fellow characters: the band's hilariously '70sy leisure-suited, pencil-thin mustachioed, gigantic-greasy-pompadoured 'manager' Sleazy P. Martini presents a violent game show skit called "Slaughterama"; the goofily Transylvanian-sounding Sexecutioner waxes erotically in his eponymous track; and bassist Michael Bishop wails like a 70s long-haired high-voiced superstar over the abysmal plodding of "Cool Place To Park." This vocal variety (also including new female backing vocals by Danielle 'Slymenstra Hymen' Stampe) gives the record a real 'Metal Party' atmosphere, which is a nice way of upgrading the 'Garage Beer Party' ambience of Hell-O! for a larger audience.

On the diversity tip, various songs infuse the METAL with high-speed thrash ("Maggots Are Falling Like Rain"!!! until it gets really slow for about 2 minutes right in the middle), pop chords and faux-jazz/soul guitarwork ("Sick Of You"), comical rap-metal in the Anthrax "I'm The Man" vein ("Slaughterama"), tribal beats and industrial effects (the Ministry-produced "Horror Of Yig"), bouncy punk-metal ("Vlad The Impaler"... or "Vlap The Impaler," as it's called on the cover) (Good old Vlap The Impaler.), funk-metal ("Death Pod"), and absolute fucking garbage shit piss puke vagina ("Cool Place To Park").

I love the sound and attitude of the CD; the problem is that almost half the songs are either promising but tediously over-extended or downright awful. "Cool Place To Park" is the most obvious smeller, but the draggy evil chords and sugary pop-metal chords of "Love Surgery" aren't doing anybody any favors, and "King Queen" is simply too long for a song with such an ugly repetitive riff. And, though I suspect that its reason for etre was to allow space in the songs for on-stage theatrics, this whole 'cutting away from a great headbanging riff just to drag out the middle of the song with a sludgey boring pile of simplicity' thing is a really unwelcome addition to their cannon. BOOM!

Heh heh. Little "misspelling of 'canon'" humor for you there. One final word about Scumdogs Of The Universe: I saw Gwar live in Atlanta on this tour, and the crowd was EXTREMELY violent. Skinheads, fists being thrown, the whole three yards. Still a fun show, but not nearly the laugh-out-loud carefree goodtime of my second Gwar show, conducted in peaceful college town Chapel Hill, NC on what I guess must have been the This Toilet Earth tour (I'm not positive, because I wasn't following their studio career during that poorly-conceived phase in my life). MAN ALIVE, was that a hilarious show. I'm STILL smiling about it, 32 years and fifty illegitimate babies later!

Reader Comments
The quintessential yet most overrated Gwar record. The fans love the shit out of this one but I don't think it's that great. The best ones are the fast ones but I disagree with those parts you find boring. Favorites are "King Queen" and "Vlad the Impaler".
Some classics on this one. The slow ones are/were live show staples and the fast ones rip. That being said, I liked America better. This might be the worst sounding album produced by Ministry.
The first thing the listener notices from the first couple of tracks from this album is how far GWAR have come since their debut.

Although the last half of the album can drag a little, the first half is killer! 'The Salaminizer', 'Maggots', 'Sick of You', 'Slaughterama'...all GWAR classics.

Even then, later on you have 'Vlad the Impaler', 'Years Without Light', 'Sexecutioner', etc.

A strong album. If you want to get into GWAR, start here.
I guess it goes with the territory; see Gwar in a nice, hip college town (such as GR) and people will stand, enjoy the show and casually slam dance if they so choose. See Gwar in a hideous, depressing shithole or broke down industrial district and all the uglies show up and pummel you into the floor, seemingly intending miss the spectacle and the irony as well! I'm shocked at the amount of racist skinheads who somehow think Gwar is on their side or at least ambivalent to their kind.

I like this album a lot until the last two tracks. Like you said, a great monster party, punk/thrash album. No way a Slayer or Megadeth fan could take these bunch of art school posers seriously. "Sexicutioner" annoys me and "Cool Place to Park" is just dumb, boring plodding. One thing it seems no one seems to remember is how this isn't actually Gwar's first album for metal blade. It was originally released on a British label called Master. Gwar didn't sign to Metal Blade until 1991 and 'Scumdogs' wasn't released on the label until 1992 along with 'America...'. There's a really great story about how during their label hunt they kaboshed the deal with Relativity by showing up at their office in their costumes and Slymenstra similuted menstruation onto an office chair via blood capsule from her cod piece.

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America Must Be Destroyed - Metal Blade 1991
Rating = 7

Dewey Rowell left, but they didn't replace him prior to recording so poor Mike Derks had to play both rhythm and lead guitar on most of these songs. AT THE SAME TIME!!! Luckily he has fifteen arms. But that's just "One of the perks/Of being Mike Derks!" as they used to sing back in nursery school. Remember nursery school? Aw man, learning about plants!

America Must Be Destroyed represents another step forward for The Gwars, with the midtempo metal of Scumdogs molding over into a confident melty soup of mainstream metals past, present and future: speedy punk-thrash, Danziggy evil finger-licking, pre-stoner sludge-trudge, run-around-in-a-circle psycho-mosh, bootylicious funk metal, goodtime Poison hair metal, Queensrychey prog-metal, pre-nu-metal downbeat anger-pounding, cornball power balladry (complete with acoustic guitar and "Patience"-esque whistling) and even Nirvana radio grunge, if you can believe your earses! (I recommend you believe your earses, because "Pussy Planet" sounds astonishingly like a better re-write of "Rape Me," which hadn't even been released yet)

That doesn't mean the songwriting is any more consistent though. The excruciatingly boring slow sections are even more pronounced this time around, with "Crack In The Egg," "Gor-Gor," "Gilded Lily" and "Blimey" all nearly destroyed by the completely pointless time-wasting crap-chord middle parts. And it's not that I can't stand a slow section -- "Poor Ole Tom" is the slowest piece on the record and one of my faves with its hopeless feel and boots-slogging-through-thick-mud ambience -- I just don't understand what would drive a band to abandon an obviously killer headbanging riff in the name of a plodding, not-even-approaching-memorable replacement. Is the point just to make the good part sound even better by comparison? These are important questions, and should be addressed to the President of the World.

Dearest President of the World,


Mark Prindle

Furthermore, as perfect parodies of hairy shit pussy 80s glam metal as they are, "Rock N Roll Never Felt So Good" and "The Road Behind" are, nevertheless, hairy shit pussy 80s glam metal. For that matter, so is "The Morality Squad"! I kinda like that one though, because it's sung by a character with an adorable high voice.

On the lighter side, the record has a lot of catchy musical hooks, strong dynamic production, and truly ass-kicking meddle during the aggressive passages. Brockie is also singing in a smoother, less monster-like voice for some reason. But wasn't all this hair metal stuff (3 tracks out of 12) already dead by 1992? I guess G'n'R were still making dreams come alive, but didn't Nirvana kill off all the other L.A. glammers with the magic power of their Nirvana grunge music? And where was Burton Cummings during all this?? Didn't his limited-run Canada-only 1990 Plus Signs CD turn the rock and roll revolution on its ear?? How come you don't hear about HIM in your weekly grunge news magazines??? (e.g. Us Grungely, US News & Grunge Report, Hoof Beats)??? HUH??? HOW THE HELL COME THE ASS NOT!??!?!

Oh! One other thing -- "Have You Seen Me?" is a novelty lounge jazz comedy song about kidnapping, raping and murdering children, and "Rock N Roll Never Felt So Good" is a pop-metal anthem about raping and murdering a paraplegic. Good night everybody!!!

Reader Comments
The first album where Gwar started to blur the lines between being an act with a diverse sound and being a novelty. Especially because of all the "ironic" cock rock that went on the album. "Have You Seen Me" is the best mix of lounge/metal/punk/thrash and "Gilded Lilly" is good. The album's all right but the most notable thing about it is that the lyrics are more gross and the album has a much heavier production. This is also Oderus' favorite Gwar album for some reason.
10/10. My favourite GWAR album.

Many GWAR fans jabber on about 'concept albums', but I believe that this is the only true concept album they have.

'Ham on the Bone' starts the onslaught which leads into 'Crack in the Egg'. Both of these are still played in their setlists. Then there's 'Gor-Gor' and then 'Have You Seen Me?' both GWAR classics.

'Gilded Lily' is also featured, which is one of my favourite GWAR songs.

'The Road Behind' is perfect. Everything about it. I wish I could sit down every person who said that the only quality GWAR have is their live show...and play them this album.

Just listen to it. Forget the costumes, forget the stage shows...and if you have a sense of humour, listen to it.

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This Toilet Earth - Metal Blade 1994
Rating = 6

A man named Pete Lee has now joined the band on lead guitar, apparently because he doesn't play heavy metal. Because this album sure isn't heavy metal!!! I don't know if you've ever heard heavy metal, but this is certainly no place to hear more of it!!!

No, this is more like hard alt-rock, incorporating Primus/Mr. Bungley eccentric funk-metal, Soundgardeny grunge, and Epitaphy slick modern punk -- along with signature forays into the genres of noise rock, Southern rock, carnival music and lounge jazz. In fact, you might say that after the out-of-date hair metal of the last record, they've snatched onto contemporary youth music with a VENGEANCE! Which doesn't explain why the back cover is a Slayer parody, but nevertheforever.

On the "way to go!" tip, Gwar has stripped their songs down to a reasonable length again (only 5 of the 16 songs are over 3 minutes long), but on the "ooof" tap, it seems like they spent more time on their arrangements than on the actual songwriting. The songs have all sorts of crazy topsy-turvy rhythmic changes and herky-jerk stops and starts, but they've also got the highest ratio of bum riffs on any Gwar record to date. There are some totally ass-kicking dark driving rockers to be found, but only if you're willing to swing your plunger through the terrible horn-inflected boogie funk-metal opener "Saddam A Go-Go," the one-listen Southern rock gag "Slap U Around" and the absolutely DUNG-RIDDEN Mr. Bungle rip-off/pastiche "The Insidious Soliloquy Of Skulhedface" (not to mention the passable but hardly necessary punk cliches "Fight," "B.D.F.," "Bad Bad Men" and "The Obliteration Of Flab Quarv 7"). Plus, when three of the best songs on your album are about penises, well that's hardly a good sign.

But at the same time, it IS a good sign! "Pepperoni" is a musically hilarious '70s funk rocker! "Pocket Pool" is so detached and loungey, you'll expect Mike Patton to sing it instead of a big monster! And, not that "Krak Down" is the third song I was referring to, but "Krak Down" sounds like an AmRep band!

So it's settled. We appreciate Gwar's efforts to update their sound with tricky time-signatures and genres outside of heavy metal, but even gross-out comedy rock needs some original hooks.

Original JAN Hooks, that is!!! "'Clang Clang Clang,' went the trolley" indeed! Ha ha! Ahhhh me, I never get tired of Saturday Night Live recurring characters.

Did somebody say "Those three guys who dance by bopping their heads to the side at the same time"? Ha ha! Give me MORE!!!

Say, I think I just remembered why I stopped watching Saturday Night Live in 1989.

Aside from penises in general, This Toilet Earth's lyrical matter includes fucking dead babies (in the appropriately-titled track "Baby Dead Fuck"), mastrobating, beating up your wife, smoking crack and accidentally destroying all the inhabitants of the wrong planet. If you're a church person, consider beginning your Gwar collection elsewhere.

And by 'Elsewhere,' I of course mean 'St. Elsewhere,' a hilarious hospital starring Fatty Arbuckle from Animal House.

Reader Comments
Eeeek! You deserve to diiieee!! This is not only my favorite Gwar album but promoted it to friends as one of the best albums of the 90s, outranking many, many mainstream alt rock, punk or whatever else. I own three copies of it, one without "Baby Dick Fuck" and two with.

This album made Gwar my near favorite band. I think it's the greatest mix of metal/punk/hardcore/thrash/jazz/funk/novelty. It's so infectious from start to finnish and puts Gwar in a strange class of alternative bands like Butthole Surfers, with the amount of diversity and absolute weirdness. Also the social commentary, particularly on "Sadam A-Go-Go" isn't so heavy handed. "Jack the World" is killer fun and "Filthy Flow" has the best guitar solo I've ever heard. This is also Jizmak's favorite Gwar album.
A patchy album. GWAR was going through a change. Dave Brockie admits that he doesn't really favour these albums and that they were very experimental.

Still, it contains 'Saddam A Go-Go', 'Penis I see, 'Jack the World and 'Krak Down'.

I also have to comment on 'B.D.F.' The sickest song I have ever heard:

"The delivery room is as still as a tomb/I fuck the child while it's still in the womb/the child's now dead/and you start to blubber/fuck your warm corpse with your baby as a rubber"

A listenable album from front to back, but not GWAR's best. I give it 7/10.

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RagNaRok - Metal Blade 1995
Rating = 6

Casey Orr, a man whose name combines those of my beloved childhood canine and the late guitarist for The Cars, joins Gwar on bass. And their musical focus shifts again -- this time, to Heartbeat City sung by dogs. You see, when a b

And their musical focus shifts again -- this time, to tight post-grunge modern funky hard rock/rap/metal with several tricky time-signatures thrown in. Casey (or "Orr") is a funky-ass player who gives the band a hip new RATM/RHCP/ST feel as the guitarists interject clever asides and some keyboardist adds swooshy noises and effects to the blitz. Unfortunately, though RagNaRok is definitely HARDER than the last album, its songwriting is still so hit or miss it might as well be called The Milwaukee Brewers!

Or are the Brewers good? I haven't watched a baseball game in like 40 years. If they're good, put in some team that really sucks, like the Washington Senators or something. Because nobody SUCKS like a Senator!!!!! That's their new nickname. I also designed some new uniforms for them. All the numbers are made out of dicks, and then there's a velour tongue that waggles all over them and squirts out water as the players move around.

Is there some reason that Oderus no longer sounds like a monster? His delivery has deteriorated into a rednecky, snotty combination of Lee Ving and Billie Joe Armstrong. And certainly that's a monstrous combination, but how far apart are they, really, when you think about it? American Beer and American Idiot? "Good Riddance" and "I Don't Care About You"? Dookie and Lee Ving taking a dump on your face? So it's great that we're all in agreeancement about this.

Ragnarok is the sound of technically proficient musicians being saddled with substandard material. There is some really great playing on here, but it's almost always around and in spite of the dumb hard rock chords that make up the bulk of the riffs. Possible exceptions may include: the headbanging note-chord back-and-forth 'fuck you' of "Knife In Yer Guts," an adorable Oderus/Slymenstra multi-part metallic show tune duet called "Fire In The Loins," the Secret Chiefs III-style sci-fi/surf/metal concoction "Surf Of Syn," and Beefcake's high-speed dancing-note thrasher "Crush Kill Destroy." Most of the others feature at least one interesting part, but you kinda have to ignore the corny hard rock chords to enjoy them.

In a stupefying twist of quality expectation, two of the most enjoyable tracks on the release are RAP-METAL: one by the Sexecutioner and the other by Sleazy P. Martini. Perhaps related to this genre decision, neither man would ever again appear on a Gwar album. I think you ought to know this. (or, as it's spelled on the cover, "Think You Outta Know This." So I'll try to do that for you right now - think you out of know this. Mmmmm, I'm thinkin'! Are you free of know this yet? Oh, please do acknowledge receipt of my well wishes!)

If it's lyrics you're after, "The New Plague" certainly has them in spAIDSe. Unfortunately, they're exceedingly stupid: "If you treat me like any old dude/I'll try real hard not to go bleed on you." Elsewhere, "Martyrdumb" proclaims, "I wipe my ass with your holy book/God is dead and the Pope's a crook." Furtherwhere, there's some stupid story running through most of the songs. Read about it on Wikipedia if desire is an emotion experienced by your person upon initial viewing of the previous sentence.

The album's wittiest lyric occurs in the duet "Fire In The Loins," where we find this light-hearted exchange for children and little kids:

Oderus: "I could have any woman I want!
Slymenstra: "The fact that you rape them is nothing to flaunt!
Oderus: "Oh.... Well, you got me there...."

So you see, Gwar isn't very good. I like them, but not as much as I could have sworn I did before I sat down and actually listened to their CDs rather than just looking at the covers and giggling. But don't worry -- their next album is a complete return to form!

Reader Comments
A little disappointing in that the riffs aren't as catchy. Other than that, what makes it unique is that it was produced by Rob Margoulef who is known more in the synth pop world and produced Devo's Freedom of Choice. That's why the album is heavy in synths and samples in a lot of the songs. "Nudged" "Crush Kill Destroy" and "Fire in the Loins" are my favorites while "Knife in Yer Guts" some of the funniest ryming couplets, particularly "You I will kill/ your hole I will drill". "Surf of Syn" shows that Gwar can play wicked surf music and "None but the Brave" is surprisingly sensitive for Gwar.
GWAR continues to change.

'Meat Sandwich' is a GWAR classic which is still played live today. 'Wharghoul' is epic GWAR and Brockie wrote a story based on this song. Check out for more!

The title track is listenable but doesn't have much replay value.

I enjoy most of this album. Although not stereotypically 'GWAR', there are some nice songs:

'Knife In Yer Guts', Marty Dumb', 'Fire in the Loins' and the closing track are pretty decent.

Not the best they've done, but still listenable.

Add your thoughts?

Carnival Of Chaos - Metal Blade 1997
Rating = 6

Returning to their form as a slightly above-average novelty band, Gwar here presents a veritable smorgasbag grab board of musical styles - definitely the widest range of sub-genres they've attempted, even to this day. It's also their most blatantly commercial release ever. Though the hard grunge/metal meanness of the first few songs puts a nice taste up your mouth's ass, the subsequent glut of radio-friendly pop-punk and alternative novelty tracks like "Hate Love Songs," "Letter From The Scallop Boat," "If I Could Be That," "In Her Fear," "I Suck On My Thumb," "Gonna Kill You," "Sex Cow" and "Don't Need A Man" seem very much geared towards securing airplay on college and modern rock radio stations. In these tracks, the guitars are smoothed-over and slick, the vocals more melodic, and the riffs poppier and more accessible. Which isn't a bad thing, understand! But it makes you wonder what was going on in their minds at the time, and whether their hearts were into this music as much as their wallets were into the idea of scoring a quick hit or two. (ex. B.H. Surfers' "Pepper.")

But just look at all these GDMFSOB genres they're whipping out for you!

- "Penguin Attack": Uptempo driving metal-rock with '70s lickery
- "Let's Blame The Lightman": Hard driving rock song with gorgeous recurring harmonics break
- "First Rule Is": straight midtempo hard rock

I'm serious - it starts getting really diverse in just a few minutes here....

- "Sammy" - Ritual De Lo Habitual-style epic alt-rock ballad
- "Endless Apocalypse" - Indie hard rock: Polvo bendy-chords, arpeggiated REM-esque chorus, bitter Shellacy mood
- "Billy Bad Ass" - Novelty grunge
- "Hate Love Songs" - NOFXy pop-punk-hardcore
- "Letter From The Scallop Boat" - Generic radio alternative rock, like modern Red Hot Chili Peppers
- "Pre-skool Prostitute" - Slow metal
- "If I Could Be That" - Offspringy fake-punk
- "In Her Fear" - Pretty, 50's-style chord changes converted into loud American grunge-pop
- "Back To Iraq" - Thrash
- "I Suck On My Thumb" - Vomitously cutesy No Doubt pop
- "The Private Pain Of Techno Destructo" - Bland punk-metal
- "Gonna Kill U" - Novelty college folk ballad
- "Sex Cow" - Country-western cowpunk with a sleazy rockabilly coda
- "Antarctican Drinking Song" - Fun modern speed-punk (until it slows down into a couple of shitty chords)
- "Don't Need A Man" - Jazz torch song

Did you see that? That was like 40 bajillion different sub-genres of rock! Including the "Jazz torch song" subgenre of rock!

Yes indeed, Carnival of Chaos: On the Road With the Nomadic Festival by Sascha Debrul certainly is a fun-format collage of p

Yes indeed, Cyberchase Carnival Chaos certainly is great fun for children as it teaches spatial r

Yes indeed, American Gothic: A Life of America's Most Famous Painting by Steven Biel and Grant Wood is indeed a variety-packed album of rockers, punkers and failed novelty singles. Have I mentioned before how, when Dave Brockie actually tries to sing, he sounds just like Gibby Haynes trying to sing? Listen to "Gonna Kill U" for example, and just TELL me it doesn't sound exactly like something on that boring P album that Gibby did with Johnny Depp while they were kicking River Phoenix to death in a parking lot.

And while I'm at Complaint Central waiting for my train to come in, about 2/3rds (or 66.6666666667%) of these songs are both overly simplistic and WAY too long. I get that "Sammy" is 7 minutes unshort because it's supposed to be a repetitive, slowly building "Hey Jude"-like epic about Sammy Davis Jr. -- but why the Hell is the boring as a boar "Private Pain of Techno Destructo" 5 minutes long? For that matter, why does Techno Destructo now sound less like a hilarious gay monster than a human being with no charisma? And while we're discussing Techno Destructo, who thought it would be a good idea to slog "Pre-skool Prostitute" out for 5 intermindnumbing minutes? Furthermore on the topic of "Pre-skool Prostitute," "Endless Apocalypse" shouldn't be 5 minutes long! And speaking of "Endless Apocalypse," George Bush!

Here are some great lyrics taken out of context though:

"Beaks of steel are flaming/Women are enraged/Sky of death is flaming/Women get engaged"

"Let's blame the lightman/for our own mistakes/We'll blame the whole damn crew/if that's what it takes"

"Soon they'll reach the day-care center/Soon they'll bag the smashed placenta/Thanks for the cookies Mom sent ya!"

"Sammy where are you?/Where were you going to?/What were you going through?/Satanic Black Jew"

"But one day I died/My Momma cried/....../Oh that's right, my Momma already died"

"I'm coming after you/I'm gonna make you love me/And you'll be so proud of me/That when I visit you/You won't be scared of me/I came to visit you/I just want to talk to you now/I just wanna look at you/Now I'm strapped in the electric chair"

"Back to Iraq/And my life is a wreck/I wanna kill the President/But I'd settle for a check"

"Barnyard Stomp!/All the animals!/Barnyward Stomp!/I'm stomping animals!"

Optically talented readers might note that I didn't include any lines from "Pre-skool Prostitute" in that collection of 'great lyrics.' There are several reasons for this decision.

One of those reasons is "She's really hot/He's hawking snot/But when she gets home/Daddy's all over her twat."

Another is possibly related to "She became five/She's still alive/Better call the bug man/'Cause your twat is a hive."

Not that I'm knocking "Pre-skool Prostitute," understand. Why, one would be a fool not to enjoy the lyric "She told a sad story 'bout a family in woe/She was getting fingered by her Daddy's big toe" if one were a sociopath. Nevertheless, there's something keeping me from adding any of the song's many colorful turns-of-phrase to my highly-selective list of 'great lyrics.'

Specifically, common sense.

Okay, "A naughty nanny, your grumpy Granny/A rusty tire iron hanging out her fanny" is pretty good, but I'm pretty sure it's a Billy Graham quote.

Reader Comments
This is the first Gwar album I've ever heard. I think I like it so much because it defied what I thought Gwar would sound like, which is stupid death metal and it wasn't nearly as depraved as I thought it would be. Then I learned later that this is the album the fans hate the most because the lyrics aren't gross enough. It's my third favorite album by them, behind This Toilet Earth and We Kill Everything because of the catchiness and diversity of the songs and goofiness of the lyrics. "Billy Bad Ass" has about the best freakin metal riff while "Hate Love Songs" out does Rancid at what they do and it's hilarious Plus on "Don't Need a Man" Slymenstra can actually really sing!
GWAR gets diverse here. This album didn't do alot for GWAR's novelty band tag.

Still, 'Penguin Attack' is a classic. This very song pulled me into the 'GWAR world'. Only GWAR could write a song like this.

'If I Could Be That', 'In Her Fear', 'I Hate Love Songs' and 'Sex Cow' are all classics in my eyes.

Riffs all over the fretboard. GWAR may have eased off on the lyrics, but not the music,

Oh and 'Antarctican Drinking Song' is enjoyable thow away. Check it out!
often overlooked and not a favorite of GWAR themselves, i do get a kick out of this album on occasion. mainly "I Hate Love Songs," which features the lyrics "I hate wet dreams and masturbation" (seriously though, who doesnt), and "Sex Cow" which can best be described as being a regular alt-country song about having sex.... with a cow.

On the heavier side, "In Her Fear" is a good pounding arena-sounding hard rock tune, and "Pre-Skool Prostitute" (all the drugs she could shoot!) is catchy like a pre-school whore induced STD (fav lyric "she was gettin fingering by her daddy's big toe. She made it to five, she's still alive. Call the bug man cause her twat is a hive."). Not one of the classic GWAR albums, but it is diverse, and the lyrics are just as lude, crewd and in the mood as anything else they've done.

Add your thoughts?

We Kill Everything - Metal Blade 1999
Rating = 5

Gwar kills everything. EVERYTHING. Trees, air. Love. Pain. Joy. Buzzes. Joybuzzers.

Rumour has it that certain people find my 'comedy jokes' to be sophomoric and unfunny. But that's the thing about art - it's entirely subjective. We all know this. My art is that of the pauper, the dreamer -- the Everyman. When Joe Constructionworker comes home from his busy day helping the orphans, he needs a nice bawdy place to relax his feet and laugh a hearty male laugh with beer. That's where All-Music Guide comes in., on the other hand, was specifically commissioned by NASA to disguise important technical data as ball jokes.

Another interesting aspect of the human mind is that we tend to assume we know what other people are thinking; we're especially prone to misread them when we only know them through words on an Internet Phone. For example, I assume that some people assume that I think I'm very funny. In this way, we are all wrong. If I thought I were funny, I would be a famous television star. Instead, I cry for a living.

The members of Gwar hate We Kill Everything. Fans of Gwar hate We Kill Everything. In fact, it seems that the only person who doesn't hate We Kill Everything is me. I just find it mediocre.

Mmm, i could go for some meaty ochre right about now. Those earthy mineral oxides really stick to the ribs when y

See, if I thought I were funny, I wouldn't have typed that.

Another thing that apparently people say is that I tend to go off on tangents in my reviews and not talk about the actual music -- now where the hell did THAT c

By the time Gwar recorded We Kill Everything, they had reached an artistic dead end and commercial nadir, and simply couldn't figure out how to revive their career. No matter how hard they tried to stay on top of the latest rock trends, they couldn't get any radio play and their record sales continued to plummet (I assume. I kinda made that part up.). And this album literally sounds like a band with no hope. The lyrics alternate between thoughtless poop jokes and depressing confessional lyrics about how drugs and sleaze destroyed the band's commercial viability. The music is a meandering collection of toothless punk rock, terrible ugly metal, Dr. Demento novelty gags and sluggish chord combinations that sound like they were supposed to be punk rock but the band was high on depressants while recording them. The record's most obvious trait is an unbelievable lack of energy. Even the fast punk songs somehow have NO ENERGY. Much like the rest of the world after another 20 years of Republican policy! SH-BING! ZING-ZANG-ZINGALING! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER!

Rather than sitting through all 17 tracks, why not just illegally download the 5 that I like all the way through? These would be:

(a) "A Short History Of The End Of The World (Part VII (The Final Chapter (Abbr.)))" - an excellent instrumental excursion into the sacred realms of NWOBM

(b) "We Kill Everything" - The entire album! It RULES! You see, w

(b) "We Kill Everything" - The title track, a well-arranged metal extravaganza with thick distorted bass notes.

(c) "Penile Drip" - a hilariously stupid novelty track with '70s Thin Lizzy-style goof riffing and lyrics like "I said the Penile Drip/(bunch of unintelligible bullshit)/Spread it all over the land!"

(d) "Mary Anne" - gorgeous Descendentsy punk rock song

(5) "Fuckin' An Animal" - a so-stupid-it's-classic jolly nursery rhyme that ends with Brockie refusing to even consider doing another take

The rest of the album is just one tepid disappointment after another, with a few half-moments of sunshine breaking through the blizzard of failure every once in a while: "Fishfuck" sounding like "Blitzkrieg Bop"; "The Performer" starting out with a piano, trumpet and laughtastic wimp singer; the atmospheric wavering guitar feedback of "Escape From The Mooselodge"; silly vibrato organ of "Tune From Da Moon"; bizarre idea of having a TOILET sing lead on "Jiggle The Handle"; a killer hammer-on solo in "Jagermonsta". And I know you're thinking, "Say Mark, that sounds like a lot of great songs!" But the thing is, aside from the brief passages I specifically pointed out above, all of these songs stink to High Heaven.

Furthermore, "Nitro-Burnin' Funny Bong" and "The Master Has A Butt" are the worst songs I have ever heard in my life. I'm dead serious. Install a microchip in my brain that makes me psychically 'hear' Billy Joel albums every minute of the day; push a bill through Congress requiring all existing recordings to be remastered with Phil Collins on vocals; replace air with The Eagles -- NONE of these motions would make my brain seethe with uncontrollable anti-music hatred the way these two songs do. In fact, look up "Irritating, Pandering, Cutesy Audio Fecal Matter" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of these two songs.

No? Then get a new fucking dictionary, asshole!

That reminds me of a hilarious joke:

Knock knock!
Who's there?
The dictionary!
The dictionary who?
The dictionary al (dick-chin aerial) is a really hard gymnastics move!

See, it's funny because it's true! Paul Hamm made that joke up, after failing to execute a triple-back squirt-all-over-your-face on dismount.

"I've seen your site and have long considered you the sole voice of reason in music coverage.... Consider that American and European traditions of musical criticism have long since abandoned even the semblance of musical education, and have stuffed their fat asses into those neo-ironic jumpsuits that they know will hide their shameful lack of even the most microscopic minutiae of credibility in the footsteps of giants like Adorno, in front of an uneducated public that couldn't give a fuck... Where exactly are we supposed to look for 'serious' musical criticism? The Wire? Jesus fucking Christ... believe me, I'll take Prindle ANY FUCKING DAY before any more debris from the endless stream of sad, sad, sorry excuses for music journalism washing up on my shoreline." - A Top-Selling Recording Artist Of The Day

It would be awesome if somebody could tell me who Adorno is.

I hope he's not some asshole.

Reader Comments
My second favorite Gwar album and the one fans rejoiced at for the pure sickness of the lyrics. There's really no point in a "Fishfuck" or "Fuckin' an Animal" aside to just be disgusting but, like Carnival, the album is not very heavy, just diverse and catchy. And I appreciate Gwar's boldness in using a horn section despite being on a metal label and being known for being such a metal band when in actuallity they are just a bunch of art school nerds. Also, what's neat is "Tune from da Moon" is a re make of Death Piggy's "Minute 2 Live."
Oh dear. Admitadly, this album doesn't do much for GWAR's legacy.

Lots of throwaway punk songs and some classics.

I know you don't like it, but I love 'Nitro Burnin Funny Bong'. Sidenote: This is Dave Brockie's worst GWAR song. But I like it alot. And I enjoy the video. GWAR can't be serious all of the time. They need to be goofy! But still, I give this album 6/10.

Add your thoughts?

You're All Worthless And Weak - Slave Pit 2000
Rating = 7

Good old Mark Metcalf. Make a note, those of you in bands: if you're going to release a live album, name it after a Mark Metcalf quote. Not You're All Worthless And Weak though; that's been taken. In fact, I'd stay away from AND WITHOUT THAT PLEDGE PIN! and How Does It Feel To Be An Independent, Schoenstein? too. What Do You Wanna Do With Your Life? would work for Twisted Sister, but anybody else would just look like a gatecrashing ne'er-do-well. No, I think it's time to dig a little deeper into the Mark Metcalf filmography.

How about If You Don't Come Home With The Trophy, We Lose It All!? That's pretty catchy, not to mention a fantastic and memorable line from One Crazy Summer, a film that found Metcalf stealing every scene he was in from so-called "star" John Cusack.

Okay, I'm out of Mark Metcalf quotes, so let's move on. I could've sworn I knew a line or two from The Final Terror, but nothing's coming to me.

If you've never heard of "Legion of Rock Stars," go to YouTube and do a search for username "fibboxx" RIGHT NOW. They perform absolutely hilarious (inept) covers of Danzig's "Mother," The Moody Blues' "Question,", Dead Kennedys' "California Uber Alles" and dozens of other classic songs, all played atop the songs' original music videos, so that it looks like the real band is responsible for the terrible noises being created. You'll never laugh again!

Gwar performed this set at the tail end of their "Look At Me, I'm Wacky" era, but thankfully played enough catalog classics to make it a fun listen. Specifically, they give us 4 Scumdogs, 3 We Kill Everythings and 2 each Hell-O, Ragnarok and Carnival Of Chaos, along with a few concert-only skits. The sound isn't terribly crisp (and you can't make out a word Oderus sings, though that might be costume-related), but it's alright. Honestly it's a pretty low 7; couldn't they have picked better songs than "Love Surgery," "The Private Pain Of Techno Destructo" and for god's sake "Nitro Burning Funny Bong"? How could they have pulled such a foppish boner?



Stage banter highlights include:
- "Last time I saw Gwar, I did not get to eat enough fake poo-poo!"
- "Where there is penguin shit, there is soon to be... a shitty song about penguins."

However, the Sleazy P. Martini and Techno Destructo skits don't translate to the audio medium (because they're not funny AT ALL) and Oderus' impromptu "Got a little pee, got a little sperm" song may be the nadir of live entertainment itself.



In conclusion, if you're in the mood to hear a bassist play "39 Lashes" while some Mexican guy gets in an argument with a fictional character, you've come to the right compact disc store. Here, it's Santana's Supernatural.

Also, I like Tar. I just needed a rhyme there.

Add your thoughts?

Slaves Going Single - Slave Pit 2000
Rating = 5

According to Wikipedia, Gwar's fan club in 1997 issued a series of cassingles featuring rare Gwar recordings and side projects. When the cassingle turned out not to be the Medium Of The Future (about five years earlier), they printed up a thousand copies of this CD compiling the highlights from the series. Don't be thinking for a second that you're getting every "Slave Pit Single" recording here because plenty is missing, but what is here should be ample proof that Gwar's outtakes are even worse than their offical releases.

Here's what you will find on Slaves Getting Shingles, and why:

The Art Of War - Carnival Of Chaos outtake "Drop Your Drawers," S.F.W. demo "Don's Bong Is Gone" and This Toilet Earth-era "The Ballad Of Vincent Boglioni" - All three of these songs are agonizing. Brockie sings in his redneck voice and the music sounds like (respectively) two chords over and over for six minutes, a Red Hot Chili Peppers rehearsal, and the stupidest hard rock song ever. Lyrical lowlights include "Sucking dick was the only way to live." NOT INCLUDED ON DISC: "The Private Pain Of Techno Destructo (Star Trek Version)."

RAWGWAR - Jam session "The Needle" and S.F.W. demos "Asian People" and "Mexican Prick Fish." Okay, now we're getting somewhere. "The Needle" is a Derks-sung dark groove that was later reworked as "Escape From The Mooselodge," and both "Asian People" and "Mexican Prick Fish" are just Derks and Brockie drunkenly 'needling' each other! Highlights include "I think maybe you had a little too much to drink," "Hey, you fucking suck my prick, okay? Fuck you!," "You want it to sound out of tune, huh?," "You're a spic, prick!," "Do it, fuck! You fuck fuck!," "Our fuckin' drummer's been fuckin' too much! He's fuck-drunk, you fuck!," "Shut up for a second! Let him start the fuckin' song!," "Why are we wasting our tape with this crap!?," "Shut the fuck up!," "You can't make a cherry out of a turd," and "You have to respect everyone, even if you don't like them. After all, they might have a weapon!" Other highlights include the guitarist playing a bit of Led Zeppelin's "Over the Hills And Far Away" and Brockie singing the words "I'm A Mime" to the tune of Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer" (lie-la-lie section). NOT INCLUDED ON DISC: "Cum All Ye Young Faggots," "Poopie Pants."

Koszonom - They skipped this entire cassingle for some reason. NOT INCLUDED ON DISC: "Flying Houses," "Word," "Re(Flux)."

Wolfgang AM: A New World Of Sound - Ween cover "B-Day Boy" and Police cover "Every Little Thing She Do." This was a side project featuring Derks and two former Gwar employees. Both covers are exemplary -- particularly the Police one, a ridiculous cussy goof that's even more reminiscent of early Ween than the Ween cover! NOT INCLUDED ON DISC: Cars cover "Synchagone," Billie Holiday cover "'Taint Nobody's Business" and (apparently) John Goodman's "The Life Of The Mind" speech from Barton Fink.

MC Rhythmless - "Stuck Us With A Sucka" and "White Boy Can't Dance." Recorded as the soundtrack to a comic book, this is Derks, Brad Roberts and friends performing okey rap music. The multiple silly-voiced characters give it a Fat Alberty feel, but the songs really aren't that good. NOT INCLUDED ON DISC: Nothing. Whoever compiled the CD included this entire cassingle. Dumbass.

Incidentally, wouldn't it be delightful if the Dum-Dum lollipop company were to branch out into the seafood market? I'd definitely buy a Dumbass.

Gwar Lite - "GWAR Theme." An adorable lullaby fairy tale muzak instrumental version of their classic theme song. Derks was apparently responsible for this entire single. NOT INCLUDED ON DISC: "The Road Behind," "Sick Of You," "Beef And Flopsy's Love Theme," "Ein Klein Fart Musik."

A Soundtrack To Kill Yourself To - "Flesh Column (Parts I-IV)," "My Truck, My Dog And Prison." This cassingle compiles music used in Gwar's videos Phallus in Wonderland and Skulhedface, neither of which I've seen. The "Flesh Column" stuff is just industrial NIN-style crap, but "My Truck" is a very funny corny C/W song with a bridge stolen from The Police. NOT INCLUDED ON DISC: "Sperm And Slide," "Skullhed Face Burlesque," "World Maggot," "Beef And Flopsy Porno," "Sleazy's Walkin' Music," Vinnie," "Lawn Jockey," "Skullhed Face OD's," "Skullhed Queen."

No Cassingle At All - "Masturbate." Apparently this song was played onstage as (fake) techno duo Prestige tried to 'steal the show' from Gwar. The duo (one German, one British) tosses out some great lyrics together (German Guy: "Maserati! Fahrvergnugen!" British Guy: "Players Club! Telly!"), but parody techno is still techno and still not worth listening to. A curios perhaps. A mere bauble or knick-knack. BUT NOT A TRIFLE!!!!

There you go: a cassingle-by-cassingle review of Slaves Going Cassingle. I hope we've all learned a lot here today, except me. I already know too much and my brain is sticking dangerously out the top of my head. Oh no! A low-flying aircraft!

(*collision occurs, shearing off entire top half of brain*)

As I was saying, Coldplay is a great band but nobody rocks as hard as U2.

Add your thoughts?

Violence Has Arrived - Metal Blade 2001
Rating = 4 the form of a shitty album!

Actually, I forgot to mention that We Kill Everything marked the return of former bassist Michael Bishop, as well as the induction of his Kepone flatmate Tim Harriss as lead guitarist. In a related note, Violence Has Arrived marks the return of former bassist Casey Orr, as well as the induction of Zach Blair as lead guitarist.

Even through all their ups and downs, you could al - actually...

Even through all their downs, you could always count on Gwar to provide a bit of goofy sick humor and a catchy lil' riff or two. Such is not the case with Violence Has Arrived. Tired of playing The Fool, Dave Brockie decided to cut the cheese and return the band to its signature Scumdogs Of The Univalerse-era heavy metal sound. Unfortunately, most of the songs are BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-R-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!! Which would be fine without the 'R' in the middle because then it'd be like a tit popping out of a boob-holder, or, alternately, a boner. But, as it usually does, the 'R' brings with it nothing but pain and suffering and pestilence (other examples: 'cherry pieR,' 'sit on my faRce,' 'naked laRdies'), so I ask you to please join me in my protracted legal battle against the registered trademark.

The lyrics are mostly just violent battle descriptions (with a couple of hilarious exceptions), and the riffs and vocal delivery are so self-important and over-serious that you may have a hard time recognizing them as Gwar. The single "Immortal Corruptor" is a shameless Metallica impression, and a few others (esp. "Battle Lust" and "The Apes Of Wrath," probably the two best songs on the album) sound so much like Agnostic Fronty NYHC metalcore that your eyes will pop out of your ears! Furthermore, "Abyss Of Woe" steals its main riff from Pink Floyd's "Set The Controls For The Heart Of The Sun," and "Happy Death Day" is ZZ Top's "Heard It On The X" converted into thrash music. As for the others... well, just prepare yourself for a whole lot of up-down-up-down three-chord things.

Hay! I just got an email from 'Tips Blogroll'! Yay! He's accepted my refinance application! I don't know why they call it 'spam'; as far as I'm concerned, every email is equally personal and customized for my specific needs.

Hay! '' just sent me a bunch of Chinese characters I can't read on my computer! Oh no! What if it's something important!?! What if he needs HELP and is in PAIN!?!?

Whoa! No time to worry about that! According to SALAM Wichayapinyo, "Great stock MHII.OB(MARSHAL HOLDINGS INC) especially for businessmen."!!! I was a bit skeptical at first, but then SALAM reassured me that "You know absolutly witch ones are real what not but this are real one." Thank you, Mr. Wichayapinyo! And may God bless you whereever and whenever you are!

If you look closely at us, you'll see that we do appreciate Dave Brockie's decision to return to the heavy metal rock and roll of his youth. Unfortunately, he didn't quite 'nail' it on this initial comeback attempt. It's got the volume and heaviness, but not the memorable riffs that differentiate good metal from bad.

Still, it's hilarious that he wrote a PRO-school shootings song, and the one about a cat licking a hole through its dead owner's head is so disgusting you'll wear it as a mustache!

So the bottom line is the lowest or deepest geometric figure formed by a point moving along a fixed direction and the reverse direc

So the bottom line (or 'ass crack') is the part of your body that poo

So the bottom line is that, in spite of Dave's lofty aspirations, the record is a humorless and hook-free bore, and the worst Gwar CD to date.

Reader Comments
This is where Gwar starts going downhill. I listened to this album a lot when it came out but, yes, Gwar fills minutes of songs with generic throwaway metal riffs. I still think it's neat in it still has Gwar taking on a variety of metal genres with intionally silly fantasy lyrics. I also think that "Beutious Rot" is underrated by fans and that "Bloody Mary" is the best of their cock rock tunes.
Well, it's different. Many GWAR fans called this their 'return to form', but I tend to disagree. Generic metal songs, poor vocals and poor lyrics make this a 'so-so' album.

Add your thoughts?

War Party - DRT Entertainment 2004
Rating = 7

-- Mark Prindle, Internet Salesman: "Hey, Lemmy of Motorhead fame! What do you call the average score on each hole of a golf course?"
-- Lemmy of Motorhead Fame: "I don't know, Mr. Prindle! What do you call the average score on each hole of a golf course?"
-- Mark Prindle, Internet Salesman: "A Par, Warty!"

In a 2004 interview I conducted with Oderus Urungus (the actual monster upon which Dave Brockie bases his on-stage persona), he informed me that Gwar was about to release "the most devastating, important heavy metal record in rock and roll history," that "THE LEAD TRACK, 'BRING BACK THE BOMB' IS FUCKING THE HEAVIEST FUCKING METAL SONG THAT HAS COME OUT ALL FUCKING YEAR," and that the title of the album would be Slaves To Eternal War.

A few of these comments turned out to be false.

Nonetheless, War Party is easily the second or third best studio album that Gwar has ever released. It retains the straight metallic approach of Violence Has Arrived, but adds very clever and technical guitarwork, satirical anti-War On Terror lyrics, and a LITERAL METRIC TON of catchy guitar hooks. Basically, this is the logical sequel to Slavedogs To The Rescue; it's not as silly and playful, but it's chocolate-full of headbanging riffs that are as cool as even "The Salaminizer." However, like that album, War Party suffers immeasurably (although I measured it as 'three points worth') from the inscrutable (and CONSTANT) replacement of ass-kicking headbang passages with slow boring trudging parts that drag on 4-eva.

You won't be fined for hearing a few remaining sniglets of NYHC metalcore strewn thither and thother upon the disc's surface (particularly in all the 'ROWR ROWR ROWR' group growl vocals), but you'll also likely prick up your ears to the 'doodly! doodly!' finger-drop rinffluence of Slayer and harmony double-guitar runfluence of Iron Maiden. And by 'rinffluence' and 'runfluence,' I of course mean 'gonzo word combinations that don't work at all.'

The songs also have several different parts each; it sounds as if the musicians really put a lot of thought and effort into writing memorable, smart, ass-kicking guitar parts rather than just throwing some heavy chords together like on the last album. The solos are surprisingly melodic as well. In fact, if it weren't for all the slow ugly shit parts, this would likely be their best album ever!

Brief song descriptions for the more specific-minded readers among us:

"Bring Back The Bomb" - Slayer meets Sick Of It All, records a song with them, and puts it on a Gwar album. "Why should the fire be shared with so few?/Let bombs explode, 'cause that's what they do!"

"Krosstika" - Billions of riffs, time changes and molecules of energy. One part even has a crazy guitar noise like Rage Against The Machine! "The death of all humans on your world today/Specicide - a new word to say!"

"Womb With A View" - Title stolen from GBH. Basic but enjoyable midtempo thrash, like mid-period Suicidal Tendencies. "Your womb is a sewer/Your womb is manure"

"Decay Of Grandeur (or, as it's spelled on the lyrics sheet, "Decay Of Granduer") - Ugly kickdrum blastbeat mess; nice coda though

The remaining eight songs - Probably pretty good

Believe me, if you're a metal fan, there's something here for you. You say you only like music in 15/8 time? Then "Fistful Of Teeth" is just what the Doctor ordered! You say you hate every song ever written except for Jello Biafra and Nomeansno's "Ride The Flume"? Then jelly bean on over to "The Reaganator"! You say that due to a traumatic childhood incident, you can now only reach orgasm upon hearing one-minute long thrash songs screamed in French? Then get out your condom because "The Bonus Plan" is about to put the 'Onus' on your 'Gland'! And best of all, if you're into plodding pointless chord changes thrust awkwardly into the middle of otherwise excellent songs, you're in luck because I heard one once and will send you an email when I remember where it was.

Best of all, palm muting.

Reader Comments
I do not like this album very much. Yes, the overweight, metal heads in Gwar's audience will embrace the album since it's so heavy. And yes, now they have respect from the metal community for being more technical musicians. But I think this album completely lacks hooks. I think the social commentary is preachy and unoriginal, and "Bring Back the Bomb" is a rip-off of Megadeth's "Holy Wars." I think "The Reaganator" is all right.

Add your thoughts?

Live From Mt. Fuji - DRT Entertainment 2005
Rating = 8

Women and people are always telling me how much they love pick-up lines, so here are a few I'm currently running through consumer survey testing:

Pick-Up Line #1: You're delivering a package for your messenger job or whatever you do, and you find yourself standing behind an attractive piece of tail (or "woman," if you're not a complete asshole) in front of your destination building. To clue her in on your winning personality, discreetly slip your finger between her legs and start poking around. When she screams and maces you, wittily reply, "Sorry, ma'am! I was just looking for the 'cervix entrance'! ('service entrance')"

Pick-Up Line #2: You're walking along the beach and see an attractive woman lying on her towel, tanning. You seductively croon, "Mmmm, looking at you makes me want a 'sandwich'. Because you're lying on the 'sand,' and you're really ugly, like a 'witch'. Would you also like a sandwich?"

Pick-Up Line #3: You're walking in the park and overhear a woman tell her friend, "Oh, I just LOVE babies!" To begin a sensitive new relationship, spring charmingly in front of her with a flower and cleverly retort, "How would you like to eat 400 million servings of half-baby?"

Yes, there's no surefirer way of turning a 'Jew dame' into a 'new flame' than serving her a Mark Prindle pick-up line on a platter of affection!

Like a pimply young grand-stepbrother growing up into a handsome gay swan (simile copyright A. Swerdloff), this is a live Gwar album. And there could have been no better time in their career to release one. Fresh and bursting with hooky new buttkickers from their strongest album in ages, Gwar brings out the heavy on 5 War Partys, 3 each from Scumdogs and America, 2 Violences and 1 very short RagNaRok. But it's not just the song choices that rule (though most of them do); it's the SOUND. This is by far the rawest, chunkiest, thickest guitar sound ever heard on a Gwar album, and the double-ask assault is so darned loud that the shouting monster-voiced Brockie is still buried beneath the riffageage. The even awesomer thing to realize is that while they were performing such heavy, bassy versions of some of their best songs ever, they were also chopping up costumed characters and spewing fake blood and seamen all over their audience! Not the audience you hear, of course, because the applause is blatantly counterfeit (particularly the hilarious "Yeah!" "Owoooh!" loop that is repeated over and over during various points of the show). But certainly some audience, somewhere. Perhaps they're outside your door right now... Waiting....

Triple kudos to bandleader Dave Brockie for (a) allowing such a pro-guitar/anti-vocal mix to see commercial release, (b) performing every track in his angry monster voice, leaving that hicky Lee Ving/Gibby Haynes thing to the Texans to the ages, and (c) spewing the most hilariously dopey and needlessly offensive between-song banter this side of a Ted Nugent concert.

Examples include;

- "This isn't a fucking rock concert - THIS IS A WAR!"
- "The rising sun, the swastika, and the prick of Christ... are all symbols that should be familiar to the people of Japan."
- "I know after 9/11 it was an unpopular decision for me to become Osama bin Laden's gay lover...."
- "You know what? This fucking set tonight is being recorded for a live album!" (*APPLAUSE*) "So I want you to raise your fists in the air!" (*APPLAUSE*) "I want you to scream 'Fuck Yeah!'" (*APPLAUSE*) I want you to go outside and pay again! (*silence*) Alright, the first two will be fine."
- "Okay, how badly do you want me to cum in your face?"
- (referring to a costumed Michael Jackson character who has just proclaimed "I'm a proud black man! I'm a proud, STRONG, black man!") "...And he also finds time to jack off the young."
- (to a costumed Lacey Peterson character onstage) "YOU DESERVED WHAT YOU GOT! YOU GOT FAT! HE KILLED YOU 'CUZ YOU GOT FAT!!!"

You may honestly want to start your Gwar collection here. Sure, you can't make out the lyrics, but can't you just look them up online somewhere? This music kicks some spirited catchy arsp! I'm still not sold on "Biledriver," and "Dissident Aggressor" still sounds like a Metallica homage to me, but aside from the messy, poorly-sung 'lounge jazz' section of "Have You Seen Me?," this is a tight, heavy collection of strong, loud metals. And they quote a Neil Hamburger joke!

Mis-quote it, actually. But it's definitely a Neil Hamburger joke! What other sicko would conjure up the thought of Michael Jackson feeding his baby a plate of sperm?

Well okay, Gwar. But aside from them, who else?

Well okay, me. But aside from me, Gwar and Neil Hamburger, who else?

Well okay, Michael Jackson.

Reader Comments
Meh, it's okay but it's actually Gwar's second live album. Their first, You're All Worthless and Week was released in 2002 and sold only at concerts. It was recorded live at the 9:30 in Washington D.C. and in 2000. The songs from it are up to WKE so I, obviously like it more than this one.

Add your thoughts?

Beyond Hell - DRT Entertainment 2006
Rating = 5

Although this was recorded by the same line-up that rocked the world with Live At Mt. Fuji and War Party (which I would have called Snore Party or Bore Party if it hadn't been any good), it's nearly as melodically vacant as Violence Has Arrived. And by 'same line-up,' I mean Cory Smoot on lead guitar and Todd Evans on bass; I should have mentioned that earlier, but you know clocks.

The sad thing is that it starts off with a terrific Slayery diddly-doo headbanger called "War Is All We Know"... which then proceeds to prove itself one of only two wholly enjoyable songs on the entire CD. There is almost no thrash on here, and most of the songs are basic boring metal chord sequences. It has more personality and old-style Gwar whimsy than Violence Has Arrived, but the songs still just drag and drag, switching as they inevitably do between one intelligent metal riff and two or three slow simple sludgey piles of dog shit oozing out of the sink drain. Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath and Slayer remain the core influences ("I Love The Pigs" even quotes the Black Sabbath riff "Black Sabbath" from the Black Sabbath album by Bad Company) - actually why don't every band have a song named after themselves? I think it would go something like this!

THE BEATLES by The Beatles

I was walking down the street
And what did I see
But a groove-rockin' bug
Just as fab as could be
He and his friends
Were playing on drums
Then they started singing
while a-chewing on Tums:

"Yeah! We're The Beatles
Yeah! Bugs that play drums
Yeah! Like 'Beetles' but spelled differently
Yeah! Look out - here we comes!"

THE ROLLING STONES by The Rolling Stones

I was driving in my car
Just a-happy as can be
When some stones rolled down
And they landed on me
They said, "How's it going?
We're rolling along!"
Then they started tap dancing
And a-singing this song

"Hey! We're The Rolling Stones
Hey! We roll down hills all day
Hey! According to the old saying, we gather no moss
Hey! Here we go, just a-rollin' away!

THE KINKS by The Kinks

I was sexing in my wife
On a nice wintry day
When a woman with a whip
just a-came round my way
Then along came a man
in a black rubber mask
And they started singing
as in their warmth I did bask:

"Oh! We're The Kinks
Oh! We'll have kinky sex with you
Oh! We're into S&M and watersports
Oh! Oh no! Our library books are due!"

THE THINKING FELLERS UNION LOCAL 282 by The Thinking Fellers Union Local 282

I was working at my job
Just a-building up a car
When a group of angry people
Came in and left the door ajar
They said, "We formed a union
We're tired of our low pay
So come and join our union"
Then they musically did say:

"Ooo! We're the Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
Ooo! How come we only get half-hour lunches?
Ooo! And where's our double-pay for overtime?
Ooo! Agree to our demands or your face will meet our punches!"

Yes indeed, that's exactly how I think it might go.

But back to the Gwar album.

THE DIXIE CHICKS by The Dixie Chicks

I was cleaning up the house
And feeding all the pups
When along came baby chickens
hopping 'round in paper cups
They said, "Hey, how's it going?"
We're baby chickens in cups of paper"
Then they started singing this song
As my attention began to taper:

"Yay! We're the Dixie Chicks!
Yay! Just a-hoppin' along!
Yay! We're yellow and in paper cups!
Yay! We hated the remake of King Kong!"

KILLING JOKE by Killing Joke

I was reading "The Big Book of Shark Jokes"
When what did I do see
But a murderous villainous joke
Shining a blade right up at me
He said, "Gimme all your money!
Or I'll slice your face to ribbons!"
Then he sang this little song
In a voice not unlike Billy Gibbons:

"Arrr! I'm a Killing Joke!
Arrr! I'll slit your lousy throat!
Arrr! I'm a Killing Joke!
Arrr! I'm like a pirate, on a boat!"

TRACY LAWRENCE by Tracy Lawrence

I suck so much dick
You can smell me at three
Whibbidy bhsfs

Don't dismisconcern me -- Beyond Hell has some terrific passages on it (the sorrowful metal chords of "The Ultimate Bohab," wonderfully annoying high-pitched note attacks of "Destroyed," intro note line to "Tormentor," the more technical bits of "Eighth Lock," heartwarming intro and anthemic chorus of "Back In Crack"). But the ratio of pulse-exciting riffs to heart-annoying sludge is getting pretty grim.

GRIM REAPER by Grim Reaper

I was singing "See You In Hell, My Friend"
When what did I do see
But a hooded figure with a scythe
Just a break dancin' in front of me
"Howdy-doo, lil' buddy!"
he shouted with a grin
Then he revealed his skull face
and sang this at my shin:

"23-skiddoo! I'm the Grim Reaper!
23-skiddoo! I make people die!
23-skiddoo! I also like to moonwalk!
23-skiddoo! I love that pattern on your tie!"

Also, it's a rock musical fashioned after Alice Cooper's Go To Hell, which may be why they covered "School's Out" at the end. If it isn't why, they should pretend it is because that's pretty clever. You can read about the plot on Wikipedia, but here are some funny lines from the lyrics sheet: "When I said I loved war, I lied/It fucking sucks on the losing side/And speaking of which, my face is on fire!/A lightning withdrawal! We quickly retire!"

"Hitler arises, his crimes are so vast/He must merge with your Jesus, right at the ass/A new being - behold Jitler!"

"From what I've heard it's a pretty cool place/A sea of urine where rats eat your face"

"Not all cops are pigs, some of them are dicks/It is their duty to beat you with a big fucking stick!"

"It is said he once cracked a smile/It was said his blood was made of bile/It is said his thews are mighty/It is said his views are righty"

"The floating eyeball is to be feared/The pupil hides a maw/They say that children run this place/That's how they missed the fatal flaw"

"Cross-creviced chasms vast/And endless plains of unshaven ass"

"Broke the gates of Hell/Deposed the Overlord/Took a dump on the floor/Seconds later, I'm bored"

Listen you, everybody has their own musical preferences, so there's every chance that you'll enjoy the songs on this record as much as the band members themselves probably do. Even I thoroughly enjoy certain parts of every song (except the dull descending snoozer "I Love The Pigs"). It's just that I've never been a fan of this sluggish 'stoner rock' dirge-metal or whatever the hell you call it when the tempo retreats to 1 M.P.H. and the chord changes revert to obvious.

DAYGLO ABORTIONS by Dayglo Abortions

I was working at the clinic
Feelin' happy as can be
Just a-suckin' out the fetuses
And bouncin' 'em on my knee
When along came four dead unborn babies
Just a-glowin' in the dark
They said "Howdy pard'ner!"
And sang this on a lark:

"Whoot! We're Dayglo Abortions!
Whoot! Just a-glowin' in the night!
Whoot! Our mothers were impregnated inside a sewage treatment plant!
Whoot! We'll make ya feel alright!"

Dude, if you want to write some of these, go for it. I'll totally post their asses!

Reader Comments
War Party pt. II... the "School's Out" cover is cool and there's less politics but otherwise...

I'm glad you finally did a Gwar review page. Gwar has been my favorite band for about 8 years now and I have had the strangest experiences with them. I have gone from loving to hating to loving that band? How does one do that? Track 9 to Beyond Hell, "The Ultimate Bohab", particularly verse 2 and 3, is about me. I have the cell phone number to prove it.
So I completely neglected to finish my list of my top 273,000 albums and thus my first contribution to this site in decades is going to be this crap:

NED'S ATOMIC DUSTBIN by Ned's Atomic Dustbin

I was sweeping the floor
keepin' things tidy and clean
When I noticed a dustbin
That glowed an eerie green
I was about to pick it up
But before too long
It started dancing a merry jig
as it sang this song:
"ahoy! I'm Ned's Atomic Dustbin
ahoy! I belong to some guy named Ned!
ahoy! I'm highly radioactive
ahoy! before you use me to sweep, you'd better put on a suit made of lead!"

THE CHAMELEONS UK by The Chameleons UK

I was cruising down the highway in England,
on the wrong side of the road 'cause that's how they drive
when I saw some crazy-eyed lizards
and I ain't givin' you no jive
They were catching some flies
with their enormous tongues
And then they screamed the following at me
at the top of their lungs:

"Golly! we're The Chameleons UK!
"Golly! we're supposed to inhabit tropical regions, but instead we're in Britain!
Golly! we're just havin' a jolly good time!
Golly! pardon us, while we drown this sack full of kittens!"

Joel M.
Hey Mark. For your collection.

FLIPPER - by Flipper

I was out at the beach
Walking through the sand
And up came a dolphin
Named after a band!
He sang about sex,
Babies and bombs
Played sax out his blowhole
And we all sang along

"Hey hey we're Flipper!
I think from a movie or TV show
I really can't remember which
But we tune the bass real low"

Feel free to play with the meter.

To stay a little on topic, I always liked Gwar as a concept, but found them a little tedious. Because I enjoy spectacles, I almost saw then in Lawrence, KS in 1995, but they sold out before I got a ticket. I remember that Beavis and Butthead liked "The Road Behind" a lot, which seems appropriate. That is a good song.

Since I am already writing, I wanted to comment on your Husker Du reviews where you mentioned an accusation that you let your style eclipse your message. You cleverly responded that when it is about the music, it is about the music. When it is about ass dildos, it isn't. I only want to add that because I enjoy your style so much, I frequently read about bands that I had no real desire to buy an album from, yet in the process learn a lot about. Gwar is a perfect example. I actually might buy Hell-o, which seemed impossible two weeks ago. It is not dissimilar to the NYT Book Review, in which I read reviews of authors I don't care about, then end up getting intrigued and read the books. I thought Norman Mailer was dead, much less still writing, much much less a going concern. The NYT reviewed his new book, and I actually went out and read it. Now that’s good criticism.

A year ago owning the first two Bloodrock albums was possibly the furthest thing from my mind. But they are quite good. Ditto with the first two Blue Oyster Cult albums. Don't even get me started on Motorhead. All three are bands that I quite comfortably assumed were irrelevant, lacking even historic interest beyond the most obvious singles. How wrong I was.

Anyway, the ass dildos keep me reading, allowing the message gets through loud and clear. Nice work.
Here's some words I wrote for a band nobody knows, Red Animal War. I hope it's okay that I deviated from the format, a little. I feel it was for the better.

RED ANIMAL WAR by Red Animal War

I was flying through the jungle
On a hot summer's night
When I saw a bunch of snakes and birds
Engaged in a fight
Card'nals on one side
Corals on the other
The only thing that I knew was
The battle's on, brother!

Oh no! It's a Red Animal War!
Oh no! I hope it doesn't grow any more!
Watch out! You'll get scratched in the face!
Watch out! You'll get put in your place!

Nathaniel Freedman
TALKING HEADS by Talking Heads

I was walking by the CBGB
And something strange was in the air
There were four floating heads
And their rhythm gave me a fear
With mechanical guitars a-buzzing
And a funky bass
Then their leader sang some words
Without time or space:

"Hiii! We're the Talking Heads
Hiii! Weird music we like to play
Hiii! The name of this song is Talking Heads
Hiii! Stop making sense, qu'est-ce c'est?"

I may have missed the point of this entirely, but the Talking Heads are one of my favorite bands. I think David Byrne would approve. [Ashley Pomeroy (30)]
THE FALL by The Fall

he has skull trouble
he has skull trouble-uh
the ultra-salemite
traverse the worse
a worse-uh world-ah

the fall-
ing leaves-uh
the fall-
ing leaves-uh
I re-read this review and here's another song for you

Rancid by Rancid

I went to the kitched
to get myself some milk
the fridge door was open
and everything was spilled
it smelled really rotten
like the milk had gone bad
the milk had gone rancid
and it makes me really mad

Rancid, Rancid, oi oi oi
Rancid, Rancid, corezon de oro
Rancid, Rancid, dial 99999
Rancid, Rancid, if the kids are united, they will never be divided

Add your thoughts?

Lust In Space - Metal Blade 2009
Rating = 7

Hilarious things. I sure love 'em, the world loves 'em, and I certainly don't dislove 'em. So let's discuss a few madcap mishaps and topsy-turvies that have occurred over the past week:

SITUATION: It's Halloween. That wife and I are sloshy on Russia's Vodka and sitting at a table at Big Daddy's Diner at 3:30 AM waiting for somebody to pick up my credit card such that our bill might be paid. Suddenly a waiter grabs it off the table......
Wife: "Stop acting like that!"
Me: "Like what?"
Wife: "You were being a dildo!"
Me: "No I wasn't! He just picked it up because he saw it there."
Wife: "You were being a dildo with your eyes!"
Me: "Excuse me, waiter? Was I being a dildo with my eyes?"
Waiter: "Uhh.... What?"

SITUATION: Those wife and I have just finished dining at Nina's Argentinian Pizzeria.....
Me: "That pizza was great! Last time, the meatballs were really spicy and I was like 'uh-oh,' but this time they were back to normal again."
Wife: "Maybe your tongue just finally grew some balls."
Me: "That would explain this bad taste in my mouth."

SITUATION: Their wife and I are walking Henry The Dog to Central Park to go jogging. Henry knows it as "Jog Dogging"......
Me: "We're going Jog Dogging! You ready to be a Jog Dog?"
Wife: "Feel that breeze, Henry? It's a great night to be a J.D.!"
Me: "Really?" (*angrily jumps up and kicks road sign*)
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Being a juvenile delinquent!"
Wife: "Oh good lord."
Me: "'Hey, somebody stop that middle-aged juvenile delinquent!'"

Yes, a good time is never far away when you're spying on Mark Prindle through your binoculars!

Man, when did Gwar get a real guitarist? This guy is like a REAL METAL guitarist! Ripping out all these speedy licks and solos and whatnot, he'd actually fit in fine with a band that doesn't dress up like a bunch of Muppets every night! There are some great metal passages on here too -- this isn't joke music; this is serious metal. There are definitely some nondescript plodding/thwacking parts that detract from the ass-kickery, but to hear even this many mean'n'hooky riffs on a Gwar album is something worth celebrating. Let's throw a party!

(*throws Republican Party out window*)

Bassist Casey Orr is back in the band, whatever impact you think that might've had. All I know is that Lust In Space absolutely delivers the loud hard goods, be it Iron Maideny NWOBHM, Motorheadish speed metal, Bloodrocky sludge grunge (one riff in "Damnation Under God" sounds a hella Valotte like "D.O.A."), Sabbathy doomnation, death metal speed-noting or just straight-up midtempo headbangerton. And sure, nearly every song has at least one duffer waste part, but devote your attention to the main riffs and you'll be rulin' and rilin' all roll long!

Lyrically, it's another rock opera -- something about Gwar trying to escape the Earth and discovering that Zog is now a homeless squeegee guy. Vocally, Oderus sounds angrier than ever, and Flattus and Beefcake each get a lead vocal too. Some of the lyrics are sleazy and joke-riddled, but they're all performed and vocalized with such gravity and metal that it's difficult to notice. The only song that is really played for humor is the witty yet kickaxe "Metal Metal Land" (ex. "Here in Metal Metal Land, everything is LOUD!/All the chicks are strippers, all their fathers proud."), but every once in a while a lyric like "If I can escape Earth, I swear I'll quit crack!" will jump out from the angry chugging din.

I'd stick this fatherhugger right up there with War Party, America Must Be Destroyed and Scumdogs Of The Universe as Ultimate Gwar Metal. Which means it gets a 7 because they can't self-edit for shack jit.

Add your thoughts?

Bloody Pit of Horror - Metal Blade 2010
Rating = 5

That's interesting; I took a bloody SHIT of horror just the o

How can they not be sick of this yet!? Can you imagine being tied down to giant bulky costumes, puerile lyrics, and a silly 'monsters from space' mythos for TWENTY-SIX YEARS!? Sure, it'd be fun for a few days, but a full quarter-century of this nonsense? Twelve albums worth? It takes an easily amused man to make that happen, and that man is Dave "Oderus Urungus" Brockie.

Named for a hilarious '60s Italian horror film, Bloody Pit of Horror features the same line-up as Lust in Space, but with lesser returns on your investment. This remains the most technically accomplished of all Gwar line-ups, but BPOH finds them going light on the hooks and heavy on the heavy. Their increased use of Meshuggah-style eight-string guitars allows them to deliver a gnarling chug of bottom end, but they too often rely on the tone alone instead of writing memorable music to go with it. And that's no way to win a Grammy, their biggest goal in life.

To be fair, one must have light-colored skin. Wait what the f

To be fair, the album does have several great "parts," including strangled diddle-iddle Slayer riffs, clean speedy Megadeth solos, and interesting forays into doom-, death-, blues- and goth/black metal. But each of these parts is inevitably surrounded by a bunch of dull three-chord metal clichés. And if this ongoing boycott against musical humor/novelty is Gwar's attempt to be taken seriously as a metal band, surely they realize it's not going to happen as long as they have "Oderus" singing vulgar lyrics in a dumb voice over everything.

Points of minor interest include:
- An Emerson, Lake & Palmer reference
- The lyric "You are a woman/I am a man/You are my meat/Get in the pan"
- A thirteen-minute opening song artificially separated into four different tracks
- A song about Josef Mengele forcefully impregnating women with Hitler's defective sperm
- An iambic quadrameter rap that apparently references every character that Gwar has ever killed onstage ("Paris Hilton fucked a donkey/Sharon Osbourne rather wonky")
- A song about an obese woman whose breasts are covered in ticks ("Not even dog-tits are better than this/Unless of course they are covered in ticks/What could be better than ticks on your tits?/Except for Dick-ticks, all up in the slit/And also, your Mothers a whore")

But enough about Gwar. Here, check out some funny things:

1. A toy designed to introduce German children to the wonderful world of scat
2. Brilliant Jimmy McCullough fan fiction
3. Talking cats playing Patty-Cake
4. Top-selling cover of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb"
5. Dead Kennedys' "Night of the Living Rednecks" - on VIDEO!
6. Charlie Goes to Candy Mountain

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