David Cross

Bob Odenkirk is really funny too. Don't forget Bob Odenkirk! Everybody keeps forgetting Bob Odenkirk! EDUCATION THROUGH BILLIARDS!!!!!
*special introductory paragraph!
*Shut Up, You Fucking Baby!
*It's Not Funny
*Bigger & Blackerer

David Cross is a bald comedian with no hair who used to co-host a hilarious HBO sketch comedy program called Mr. Show with a fellow funnyguy named Bob Odenkirk. He never played violin for King Crimson. Instead, he is an extremely clever and roar-rippingly funny comedian who fears not to tread on the taboos that so frighten other funnymen of the day.

Shut Up, You Fucking Baby! - Sub Pop 2002
Rating = 8

Oay, so yeah, on his debut double-CD on Grunge's Sub Pop records, David SLAMS the Bible (No, it wasn't some drawn-out process of evolution that took millions of years - everybody knows it was a talking snake and a tree!), STICKS IT to post-9/11 self-centeredness ("We weren't going to perform tonight. But then we thought NO. If Vancouver's own `Assaulted Nuts' comedy troupe doesn't perform, then the terrorists have won!".. AND WHO FUCKING GIVES A SHIT? What, do they think Osama Bin Laden is in a cave somewhere going, "NOOO!! PLEASE TELL ME THAT THE ASSAULTED NUTS ARE NOT PERFORMING! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO??? WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO????"), HAS A WORD OR TWO for our president (Now, I'm not gonna know for sure about this for a while, but I think..that George W. Bush may - MAY - go down in history..as THE. WORST. PRESIDENT. we've ever had.), KICKS IN THE HEAD of John Ashcroft and his Lady of Justice sheet cover-up shenanigans (But I have to admit that I know how I feels. I do. I know that the last time I was in an art museum and I was going around looking at all the beautiful paintings and I came across a nude, I fuckin' grabbed that fuckin' painting off the wall AND JUST STARTED FUCKIN' IT!!! FUCK THAT FUCKING PAINTING!!!) and even has the NERVE and GALL to say something funny about priests that sexually abuse little boys (And they say these priests are created in God's image, so I guess that means.. Well... God fucks little boys! Right?). No sacred cow remains unturned! He even makes fun of rednecks!

Actually, ONE of his lines even breaks the white/black racist taboo, but he immediately makes it clear that he's joking (which doesn't make the line any less unfathomably funny - buy the CD and listen closely to the beginning of the second CD's final track).

So his strengths are that he's not afraid of getting his ass kicked and that he's really smart. His weaknesses are that he has a tendency to drag a bland story on for too long (there's one on here about a garbageman hitting on a female pedestrian that starts with a great line, ends with a great line and has about 10 full minutes of NOTHING between those two points) and that he uses the word "fuckin'" so often and needlessly, he often comes across as an unpracticed nervous amateur on open mic night. This is over two hours of mostly topnotch political and social commentary though, and for Christian Burns Smith's sake, he had the balls to put the F word in the CD TITLE ITSELF! Thus ensuring that no mother will EVER buy it for her son --- of any age!

As an added bonus, disc one is "enhanced" with several minutes of footage from his hilariously droll touralogue DVD Let America Laugh! And BOB ODENKIRK steals one of the scenes!!!! (He's the guy who smiles stupidly into the camera and woodenly announces, "He really turned the House of Blues into the House of Laughs!"). And I apologize for using the name BOB ODENKIRK so many times in this review, but I'm hoping he'll do a google search for himself, see this review and email me saying I can interview him. Thanks!

Reader Comments

David Cross' targets seem to be too easy for their own good. The whole "hick shtick" thing for example (as seen in every standup performance he has ever done, a ton of Mr. Show skits, AND ONE FEATURE FILM), has definitely got to end - Like making fun of rednecks is the least bit challenging or groundbreaking or for that matter, funny anymore.

One of the main problems I had was actually seeing Mr. Cross live (in Vancouver, a performance I believe is partly on the cd), which in a big-way ruined anything I liked about him. Maybe it was the way his backpack-hipster audience was grasping onto his every word like he was the 'Messiah of the Underground' and him embracing it. To me, spieling about how "George W. Bush sucks" or them goofy Catholics to a group of with-it nerds in tight-pants and Buddy Holly glasses is just way too easy. How about talking about something that everyone in attendance is NOT GOING TO AGREE WITH. Isn't that what is supposed to make this shit interesting? And like the reason I hate Carlin, everything just seems way too rehearsed and too clever for it's own fucking good... Or simply put, it could be that I'm just mad because I never got laid in highschool. Take your pick, Kojak.

Really, I think it's the fact that we've already had Bill Hicks, a guy who not only said what the hell was wrong (in the Country, in your Neighborhood, and in your mind) but also gave an original solution - And then not only intensely beat you, the listener or viewer, over the fucking head with it but questioned your role in the whole thing. So having an easier-to-digest interpretation renders it all pointless. That said, I'd rather have 10-Million David Cross' than 10-Million Robin Williams' prancing on stage, "telling it like it is". Actually fuck that, I'd rather have 20-Million Neil Hamburgers, thataway we could finally put a fucking nail in the coffin that is stand-up comedy.

amcquill@shaw.ca (Andrew McQuillan)
Actually Prindle, my mom did buy me this album for Christmas. Therefore your theory of no mom ever buying it for their son is wrong.

But anyways, excellent album, though I could've sworn that David said 'Assaulted Nuts' were actually from Houston, not Vancouver. I would've remembered that. I mean, even though I'm sure 'Assaulted Nuts' are probably not real. His sendup of radio station DJ's is very accurate, not to mention people who misuse the word 'literally'.

I was lucky enough to see Mr. Show Live in Vancouver (their final date), in the front row, no less. I got the Mr. Show What Happened? book signed by the cast (including Bob and David). Bob Odenkirk saw my FF Woodycooks shirt and called me a 'crazy fucker'. It was so great.

David is doing well. He is pissing people off that actually believe in such bullshit as creation, god, Bush's insane politics and so on. The catholic and redneck stuff had me laughing so hard that I was tearing and almost drove off the road. I had to pause the CD so I could laugh less. lol. I had the hiccups for about an hour!

I can understand if you are a christian or any of that stuff. I can see how that would piss off anyone that is so out of touch with reality. Thats what he does well. He makes fun of dumb ass people. :) And its fucking funny!! Just like the Bible.

dusthalo@yahoo.com (Joe Castle, attorney at mall)
David Cross is funny. No, wait, he's VERY funny. "Shut Up, You Fucking Baby!" is just further proof of that: topical, yet creamy. Also, he's bald, like me, so he's one up on all you haired-over bastards. But really, I can't wait for his next film, "B.J. and the Bear: The Musical." (I hear Eban's working on it now ...)

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* It's Not Funny - Sub Pop 2004 *
Rating = 10

His first one was really good, but some of the longer stories tended to drag on and on and his nervous profanity made him sound more amateurish than he actually is (having been a standup comedian since the mid-80s). Both of those problems have been Shanghai'd (in Shanghai) for his single-disc sophomore release, incorrectly entitled It's Not Funny. Hang on, I just remembered something I wanted to mention. Let's start a new paragraph together, you and I. A second honeymoon, a new leash on life -- and let's do it in HTML so it actually shows up on the screen as a new paragraph. Here - you can be in charge of the "<" and ">", and I'll put the "p" in the middle. Don't be nervous - I put "p" in my wife's middle all the time, and you don't hear HER complaining! (we have thick walls)


Okay, I didn't come that second time. But here's what I wanted to tell you. Some time ago - a month and a half, possibly - the New York Press, a boring weekly paper here in my small hometown that my wife picks up every week ran a feature on the "100 Most Abhorrent New Yorkers." Unable to suspend my interest, I borrowed my wife's copy and flipped through it, enjoying the tirades against jerks like Donald Trump, Vincent Gallo and Rudolph Giuliani (if they were in it - I don't really remember who was in it - this was a month and a half ago, my brain doesn't work like that) when suddenly I saw David Cross listed. And this scared me! I thought to myself, "Oh no! Is he a nogoodnick? An arrogant nogoognick? Does he donate money to polluters?" I began the paragraph with trepidation and ended it with astonishment. You know why David Cross was listed as one of the 100 most abhorrent human beings in New York? You know what despicable crime resulted in his placement on a hate list otherwise composed of self-obsessed celebrities, lying politicians and evil slumlords?

A: The New York Press guy doesn't think he's funny.

That's it. Doesn't think he's funny; therefore, David Cross is an abhorrent human being.

Well, opinions are like assholes: they're both quite appealing to gay people. This CD, unlike the debut double-CD, never lets up. It's joke after joke after joke after joke -- jokes within jokes, jokes about jokes, jokes to introduce jokes. Even the three honestly unfunny bits on here (a humorless minute about gay men having sex with their doppelgangers, an unfunny "gag" about a non-existent post-9/11 Freedom Kit, and a rewrite of MLK's "I Have A Dream" speech for George Bush) feature several hilarious "aside" comments that make you wonder how a guy this clever could possibly have found such generic bad standup devices (as the three I just mentioned) humorous. Maybe he didn't? Maybe they're metahumor? To be honest, I wouldn't doubt it -- I could easily see David Cross making fun of his audiences by purposely feeding them bad, obvious material every once in a while. But I'm getting way off track -- this review was supposed to be short and succinct and I'm going all over the place! Why didn't I start with an outline???? WHY DIDN'T I START WITH A FLOW CHART!??!??!?!?

Ah yes I remember. Because I don't give a shit whether or not the review is any good -- just so long as you buy the album! You'll laugh as the world laughs while David tells inappropriate but nose-breaking jokes about hating children, abortions, a dumb woman in the audience, Evanescence, The Family Circus, dying babies, The Simple Life, George W. Bush, 13-year-old girls fucking, buying beer for little kids, the New York, NY Casino in Las Vegas, fat lonely women, Tom Ridge, the Color-Coded Terror Alert System, eating babies, racism, Republicans, Trent Lott, Strom Thurmond, Rick Santorum, incest/child rape, bestiality, expensive restaurants, the gold industry, religion, Dennis Miller, Catholic child molesters, "friendly fire," the space program, the War on Iraq, modern country music, Lee Greenwood and Creed. Not only do the jokes come fast and frustrational, but man he's SHARP! He catches things, thinks about them in an intelligent way, and shares his response with you -- CHANGING YOUR LIFE in the process! Here are a few examples, since without examples, that last sentence wouldn't make any sense at all.

Example A: Referring to George W. Bush's oft-repeated mantra that 'The terrorists hate our freedom. We're freedom lovers. They're freedom haters,' David Cross replies, "Seriously, if the terrorists hated freedom, then the Netherlands would be fucking dust!"

Example B: Referring to Rick Santorum's attack on homosexual sodomy in which he lumped it in with bestiality and incest, David Cross replies, "Incest? Incest. Come on, man. Isn't that -- well, let's ask the girl who was raped by her father. Hey sweetheart, what was it like when your father was holding you down and raping you? (in little girl's voice) 'Ooo, it was gross! It was like two guys making out!' Okay, alright, I gotcha. Well, maybe Rick was right."

Example Last: Referring to an expensive restaurant that served him a fancy chocolate dessert with a thin layer of edible gold on top, comedian David Cross replies, "Tasteless, odorless gold. To eat! And I thought, 'Wow man, if that isn't the ultimate 'FUCK YOU!' to poor people, then I don't know what is...."

I find David Cross hilarious. How can you hate a guy who brazenly refers to the two stars of The Simple Life as "rich, giggling cunts" and "rich fuckin' mean pieces of shit"!? Or one who's not afraid to make the (obviously satirical, but still unexpected) comment, "Although I am against the war, I do support our white troops."?! Or who makes the goddamned insightful and most likely prescient commentary, "I was against the war from the beginning, I'm against the war currently, I'll be against the war for the next... eight, ten years?"

I'm done. Hope his third one is good!

Reader Comments

amcquill@shaw.ca (Andrew McQuillan)
Yes, this album is even better than his first one. A lot of the fat is trimmed out of this one. Track 7 is some of his best work ever, the best one on the album.

This album is so perfect. This and Patton Oswalt's new album.

Back in 1990, I stumbled into "Cross Comedy" through having been an open miker at Cambridge's Catch a Rising Star.Cross Comedy was about to mount an additional show at major Boston theatrical venue the Charles Playhouse.I had been hankering for a chance at an exciting theatre for years, and hoped I could also be in that show.Cross said that the 9 regulars for that show were set, but "it doesn't mean you can't be in the show".He said I could be a special guest.Then 3 weeks into my participation in Cross Comedy at Catch, I was told I would not be in the Charles Playhouse show, as"we had to CLOSE that to just the original participants".And I was REHEARSING that weeks'show when they told me that.I was devastated, but was told that I could still be in the Catch version of the show,and as cast turned over at the Charles perhaps I could be in It later.Well,I was determined to be really funny at the Catch Cross show so I would eventually win a spot in the Charles show.But a few weeks or a month later[the show had been on hiatus]I was told that both shows would be the same, and so I could no longer participate.Cross said"if the Charles show doesn't work out-there are problems-you can come back, but if It takes off, you can't".I was SO disappointed.I was SO DEPRESSED.If ONLY I had gone to Cross several weeks earlier I could have been in It.I blew it.Well the Charles thing didn't work out, so I eagerly went back to Cross, only to be told he couldn't use me because"the valetine's day show had some glitches and we have to do It over again".I didn"t understand why they would do the valentine's day show again AFTER VALENTINE"S DAY.But he just told me that he didn't know when I could come back.O.K., he didn't think I was funny and didn't want me in his show, but HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT INSTEAD OF SETTING ME UP FOR ONE DISAPPOINTMENT AFTER ANOTHER.What a little chipmunk weasel nerd.

yep... this is the best David Cross album (out of a whooping two so far). The double CD before was a little long winded but this whoops a fox's ass. Especially ripping on Evanescence and The Simple Life. The part at the end about Bush asking troops to pray for him and soldiers getting killed by "friendly fire" is classic too, as is the earlier "they hate us for our freedom" part. Bill Hicks may not be with us anymore (and boy would i love to see him ripping on Bush, current music, reality TV, etc), but Cross is probably the best successor to come along in a while. And the hidden track about Scott Stapp is damn good also.

"Hey man, thanks for the words."

David Cross' It's Not Funny gets 10/10... 8 sounds about right for Shut Up You Fucking Baby as well.

So according to Cross, terrorists don't hate our freedom because if they did the Netherlands countries would be terrorized constantly. Well they now have some very scary "peaceful" protests (mostly death threats and the destruction of an embassy in Syria) occuring across the European continent because a Danish newspaper dared to express their freedom of speech. Just one more example of how real life disproves David Cross... sort of a couple years after he said it.

There was a couple of funny things from this album, coincidentally non-political material. Even the audience can tell when he is actually funny and when he simply goes off the deep end and loses everybody. They start off the show totally onboard roaring at his material, until he begins the political shit and the laughs become whisper quiet. I'm on the side of the audience at his show, the point where he obsesses about how much he hates anyone to the right of Stalin he just is not funny. I guess he thought by trying to make a point that everyone would follow along with him and applaud like trained seals at all of his apparent wisdom. It reminds me of his character in GTA San Andreas, where at the moment that Carl kills David Cross with a single punch all I felt over his grisly death was a sense of relief. Or perhaps I will just agree with David Cross as Tobias Funke when he says to himself, "you blowhard!"

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Bigger & Blackerer - Sub Pop 2010
Rating = 8

Here's a fun game that several of us can enjoy together. See if you can guess which of these quotes are gags from the new David Cross CD, and which are things that my wife has said to me over the past week:

"Well, the time has come to tear this place a new asshole -- But then we'll stitch that asshole together with jokes!"

"A separation."

"If You Care. 'If You -'!? Fuck you, Saran Wrap! I didn't know it was possible for an inanimate object to be Jewish, but apparently...."

"I feel like we're going to fall into the same patterns over and over and over again until we die."

"You know that show Intervention? I am ADDICTED to that show!"

"We've had a bad marriage for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time."

"Here's my impression of being on heroin: 'What is this? It's 10 o'clock already.... It's 1 in the morning! When did that happen?.... Holy fuck, it's 3 in the AM!.... What the fuck? It's 8 AM already! It's morning!.... Holy shit, it's 8:01!' HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"I didn't tell you earlier because you were unemployed and I didn't want to make it even worse."

"Never respond to anybody on the street who refers to you as 'Big Guy.'"

"Isn't it enough that I'll always love you?"

"Yes, of course Obama wants to kill grandparents. Of course he does! Why else do you think he ran for President!?"

"I asked you to meet me in public because I was afraid you'd kill me if I came home."

"And whenever the Devil possesses somebody, it's always either a little kid or an old lady. An old lady! What's she gonna do -- make you a cup of tea to death?"

"There's no spark left."

"I'm in a really good relationship right now. Me and my glasses! Just me and my glasses."

"We haven't been soulmates in years."

"'When the mountains turn blue, the beer's as cold as the Rockies!' You know, when I wanna know if something's cold, of the five senses available to me, I use the sense of touch. It has worked, literally, every single time."

"I found a great sublet."

"Fool me NINE TIMES!? Don't tell me the Jews aren't involved!"


Reader Comments

Wow, that was a heady mixture of hilarious jokes and crushingly depressing statements. I kept laughing out loud and then feeling hollow inside. I don't know what to say, but I wish you the best of luck in everything and hope that you two can work out your issues. For Henry's sake if nothing else.

I take this review as not just a summary of the terrible times you've been having lately, but also a commentary on the fact that this is easily the weakest of his three albums. You just found a more creative way to say it, like you always do!

Hey what up. fellow cross fan here, his new cd seemed like most of it was recycled like rehashed concepts from older Cds... I think he needs to start drinking again cause his first two comedy albums were the best.

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Buy the David Cross comedy jokes RIGHT HERE! (Only the first 3 though, after that it's some other guy)

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