special introductory paragraph!
Blood Sausage EP
Crippled Children Suck! EP
We're The Meatmen... And You Suck!
Dutch Hercules EP
Crippled Children Suck! LP
Stud Powercock CD: The Touch And Go Years 1981-1984
War Of The Superbikes
Rock 'N' Roll Juggernaut
Rock & Roll Juggernaut: The True Story flexi-disc
We're The Meatmen... And You Still Suck!!!
The Tesco Vee Experience 7"
Tesco Vee and White Flag 7"
Tesco Vee's Hate Police EP
Gonzo-Hate-Vibe
Toilet Slave
Pope On A Rope
War Of The Superbikes II: The Double Album CD
Evil In A League With Satan CD-ROM/EP
The Devil's In The Details Volume 1 DVD
Cover The Earth
Anyway, Blood Sausage is hilarious. Childish as hell, but so am I so who the fuck are you??? It has seven songs - "Tooling For Anus" bashes homersexuals, "1 Down 3 To Go" tenderly discusses the John Lennon assassination, "Snuff 'Em" tackles the sensitive abortion issue, "Becoming A Man" bashes homersexuals (sort of), "I'm Glad I'm Not A Girl" is a delightful romp through the joyous land of Manhood, "Dumping Ground" is an affectionate love ballad for that special someone, and "I've Got A Problem" is just a nice little punk tune. Funny? Yes! Moronic? Time And A Word! Infectious as an old bag of socks? Tormato! I love this record - it's the short sharp epitome of everything that the dumbass peen-grabbing original Meatmen line-up stood for. It's also probably impossible to find for under 50 bucks, so just buy the Stud Powercock compilation and don't play it for anybody (they'll think you're an asshole). If I had to describe this record in five words or less, I'd call it "catchy upbeat poorly-recorded rudimentary punk rock with rude vocals and a gruff scratchy singer who sounds like a total dick." Then you'd whine about numbers or some shit and I'd kick your jaw in. Douche.
Thanks, that was my Meatmen impression.
Most of these songs aren't instant classics like the ones on record A (especially "Mr. Tapeworm," which appears to be their failed attempt at writing the fastest punk song ever), but they'll grow on you if you like this kind of crap. Same old catchy, poorly-produced obnoxious hate punk. So fuck you!!! Sorry. The Meatmen simply inspire a polite young man to shout "fuck you" every once in a while.
Say! Did I mention that The Meatmen claim to enjoy it when girls poop on their faces? Go tell Sis!
You know, I'm normally a pretty restrained young man, but those Meatmen will bring out the truck drivin' sailor in the most pristine of rural nuns. Obscene as a titmouse! Fuck you!
Get the Stud Powercock compilation - The Meatmen are requisite listening for those who appreciate smooth production and adult themes. Like Stevie Winwood? You'll like the Meatmen. And YOU SUCK.
Also, it doesn't sound a whole lot like The Meatmen, so maybe Tessy was just covering his ass from punk rock counterattack. This is like '70s metal parody, sort of, but in a loving way. Three songs of total cock rock bullshit with diddly guitar solos are paired with a couple of funky disco rap sorta things. Vee was stretching, but it's an admirable and entertaining stretch. "Lesbian Death Dirge" holds to asshole tradition while introducing his new metallic sound, "God's Bullies" is cool and violent, and "Wine, Wenches, And Wheels" is an instant classic - the theme song of what would soon be the new, updated Metallized Meatmen juggernaut, boasting of sex with big-breasted women and wild high-speed alcoholic races through the big city. Idiotic adolescent dreams - but listen to the way Tesco sings it.... He knows it's bullshit. For at least this one special moment, he's admitting that the whole metal slambang is just a ruse. Ian MacKaye produced it, for God's sake. Would Ian MacKaye produce the record of a true dicksickle? Probably not. Tesco loves the idea of hedonism, and why shouldn't he? It's FUN!!!
Oh! Remind me to tell you my Tesco Vee story at some point in these reviews. I met him once, and it was pretty funny.
Oh! And everything else I just reviewed. Yes, this CD features THIRTY-NINE TRACKS of pure stupid offensive Meatmen power!!! Live versions!!! Demo versions!!! Studio versions!!! Cussing!!! Gross jokes!!! Sickening comics!!! A picture of a Meatmen condom surrounded by some pubic hair in a sink!!! But beware, for, as Cartoon Tesco says on the front of the disc, "If you like good music... Get the fuck out of here!" This is NOT good music. It's horsewaste. But it's such fun horsewaste! The kind you just want to wallow in and gulp down like a chocolate malt. Now, don't go telling everybody that I think that this is a perfect CD - as I've already told you, the between-song banter is gross, each song is on here about eight different times, and some of the songs just aren't as good as others.... But seriously, how the heck can you beat 39 TRACKS???? Just buy it, and suck a big Jewish cock.
Again, I apologize. To speak openly of The Meatmen, you have to BECOME one. It's a rule or some fuckin' shit.
For some reason, this LP is considered by many to be a high point in the band's career, but I don't get it. The mix is weak and most of the songs aren't much better. I'd say skip it.
And skip school, too! The teachers are all poopchute-sucking rugmunchers anyfuckingway!!!
My apologies to you and yours.
Minister: "Friends, loved ones... And now, excerpts from 'Words to Live By' with the Reverend Tesco Vee."
Tesco Vee: "Heh! So anyway, God says to Satan, 'You can't do that! That would be sinning!'"
(*Congregation laughs and cheers*)
PART TWO
Tesco Vee: "We're The Meatmen and weeee... ROCK!... on our meaty new album 'Rock 'N' Roll Juggernaut'! A full-on blunderbuss of hectic jammage about muscle cars, brick shithouse babycake bitches, and cataclysmic new wave decadence! What are the Meatboys foisting on the yankee brats this time? The deadliest of din! Like on the title track..."
(sings) "It's a rock 'n' rollin' juggernaut in your face! Five bees in the bonnet of the human race! Twistin' USA youth into waste!"
Tesco Vee: "Dig the balls-out sinnin' on 'Come On Over To Mah Crib'...."
(sings) "Sodom and Gomorrah ain't got nothin' on what's doin' at mah crib. Sodom and Gomorrah ain't got nothin' on who's screwin' at mah crib."
Tesco Vee: "And check out the epic rock sagas laden with dripping machismo like on 'Centurions of Rome'...."
(sings) "Proud! Brave! White! We are Centurions. Gale force might! Centurions of Rome. Shocktroopers! For Julius the Caesar man. Win for Rome! We know we can."
Tesco Vee: "There's no stopping this Rock 'N' Roll Juggernaut! On Caroline Records and tapes. And CD! And video! And flexi-disc! And paperback!"
PART THREE
Cleotus: "Yo, dis be Cleotus from Cleotus's Canine Kamikaze Dog Rentals in Herndon, Virginia."
Unidentified: "Yeah!"
Cleotus: "We got dogs that hate white people. We got dogs that hate black people. We got dogs that just hate!"
Unidentified: "Yeah!"
Cleotus: "Rottweilers, Pit Bulls, Kuvasz and Doberman. Our canine insaniacs are tour bus-compatible, as used by The Meatmen on their 'Rock 'N' Roll Juggernaut' tour."
Unidentified: "Yeah!"
Cleotus: "Real protection! Rent the best! That's Cleotus's Canine Kamikaze. Dial 256-K-I-L-L. Do it right now!"
Unidentified: "Yeah!"
PART FOUR
Heath Tattinger: "Greetings, rock fans. Heath Tattinger here for 'Lifestyles of the Rock 'N' Roll Lunatic'! We tracked down that eccentric bombastic crooner Tesco Vee at his favorite watering hole, The Rippled Nipple, to get the hot poop on the new Meatmen LP 'Rock 'N' Roll Juggernaut'! Mr. Vee, how does this new platter differ from the band's previous efforts?"
Tesco Vee: "Go, baby, go! Work it! Swing, mama, swing!"
Heath Tattinger: "Uh, the cameras are rolling, Mr. Vee! A minute of your time, perhaps?"
Tesco Vee: "Eat yo' bubbles. I got a sawbuck that says you'll let me do the booby warble! Come to Papa! Blblblblblblbl!"
Heath Tattinger: "Uh, Tesco, are you not concerned about the potential for widespread censorship by the PMRC and other right-wing Fundamentalists?"
Tesco Vee: "Huh? Would you look at those pumping vanilla pom-poms? Shinga, baby! Shinga!"
Heath Tattinger: "Okay, that's all the time I have for tonight. But for 'Lifestyles of the Rock 'N' Roll Lunatic,' I'm Heath Tattinger!"
Tesco Vee: "I've got a woody!"
Heath Tattinger: "I'll see ya next week!"
Tesco Vee: "Yo, Lucretia. Check this thing out!" (*unzips pants*) "Pretty choice, eh?"
Lucretia: "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
PART FIVE
Japanese Man: "Konishiwa! Don't folget new Meatmen Japanese arbum 'Lock 'N' Lorr Juggelnaut' featuling two unlereased tlacks! 'Tokyo Time Bomb' and 'Sex With My Suzuki.' On Calorine Lecolds and tapes. And CDs. And videos. And flexi-disc. Papelbacks. Soundtlacks."
REVIEW
It's pretty stupid.
Man this is some good stuff, now I have to find it on CD.
I met Tesco in Milwaukee and despite the Meatmen's nasty and mean spirited, yet all in good fun, lyrics, he is the nicest guy you'll ever meet.
also the line in Come On Over to Mah Crib is "pre-pubescent clam" fwiw.
This exclusive Forced Exposure Magazine giveaway features Tesco growling out the Flesheaters' "Twisted Road" and Avengers' "The American In Me" through a cheap crappy mic that pops all his P's and T's. Catchy tunes though! And who knows more about great punk rock than Tesco Touch And Go Punk Zine Vee? Actually, "Twisted Road" isn't that good, so never mind.
It's fun to listen to Tesco cover his favorite songs because he gets so into them, but it's disappointing that he feels obligated to reign in his potty mouth (or as I like to call it, his "PARTY mouth!"). Here are just a few ideas for how he could spruce up these two songs:
"TWISTED ROAD"
Intro: "Look, there's a 'Twisted Road' on my penis! And it's blue! It's a vein, I think."
Mid-Song Rap: "Hey all you cockadoodles and chickpeaholes, this rough and rowdy rocker is from the mad mealy mahonies of L.A.'s Flesheaters! And take it from me, Boobalicious Bobbleheads, I'll eat YOUR pink and furry flesh 'til it's signed, sealed and double-dealed!"
Outro: "OW! STOP TWISTING MY ROAD!"
"THE AMERICAN IN ME"
Intro: "Augh! George Clooney is fucking me in the ass!"
Mid-Song Rap: "Listen up all you prickrollers and pussycatdolls, this fast and flailing flubbadacier comes to you direct from the minds and mouths of L.A.'s Avengers! And trust me, Winnebago Women, when it comes to 'A Veng'-ina, I'm the lickingest stickingest wicket on the west coast!"
Outro: "NOW BRAD PITT HAS MY BALLS IN HIS MOUTH; DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO DO A SPANISH VERSION?"
Tesco would later re-cover "Hot Rails to Hell" with The Meatmen, but this early version features treblier guitars and a cool vocal delay that give it a different atmosphere than the slicker heavier remake. "Nervous Breakdown" starts a bit sketchy with the guitarist intentionally playing the intro slow and sloppy, but once the drums kick in, Tesco does a fantastic and faithful Keith Morris impression that keeps the heart racing and the foot tapping (on the heart's gas pedal).
The songs were good. They weren't the best, but I found myself enjoying them. I was hoping for something great, and I definitely wasn't disappointed! The production was rather great, and the singing was great. The music was mostly bad, but it had some good parts too. I did think this was a great record, even though I did feel that I didn't exactly love it. In fact, I thought it was just alright. But the lyrics were by far some of the best I've ever heard. And the record had some genre veterans who can always be counted on to do great work. The production was slow but the songs were fast, that made up for it even when is to short. The artwork was Lovecraftian, and at times great. It could've used some blood or nudity though. I can definitely say I enjoyed this record, and even though it wasn't one of my favorites and I can't say I liked everything about it, it was definitely a great record and a must-hear. Good times.
Best,
Eric Myford
Author and Self-Publisher of A Godawful Horror Film Review Book That I Recently Purchased On Amazon
Best,
Mark Prindle
Asshole Who Makes Fun of Strangers Who Self-Publish Books
Way back in '91 when I was but a high school gentleman, I made my way down to Atlanta's Masquerade club to witness a cheap concert by a hot new combo called Tesco Vee's Hate Police. I was not a huge Meatmen fan at the time, but I liked the live album pretty well, and I thought it might be fun to see what sorts of stage patter Te would be tossing at unsuspecting broads in the crowd with winnebagos the size of his head, so I gave it a go.
And before you knew it, there I was -- underage with that stupid wristband thing on my arm. Being a twitchy and nervous sort, I began absentmindedly tugging on the wristband while waiting for the opening band to come on. So the damn thing went "ZA-PIP!" and tightened so freaking tight that my hand started to turn blue. I was freaking out as you may very well imagine and, while trying my darnedest to suck in my wrist and make it as skinny as possible, I made my way back to the t-shirt booth and politely asked the t-shirt guy, "Pardon me, but would you perhaps have a knife or scissor?"
He said nope, and his little friend said nope, but over on the other side of his little friend was a tall blonde gentlefellow smoking a cigarette. Squeezing the 'rette (as the kids say) between his teeth, the tall blonde spoke, "Yeah, I got somethin'" and pulled a big pair of sewing scissors out of his jacket pocket. My initial thought was, of course, "Why in Sam Hill is this man carrying around a big pair of sewing scissors in his jacket pocket?," but I was in such a heap of arm trouble, that thought quickly passed away into the netherlands as I valiantly took the scissors and attempted to free myself from the chains of enslaveryment. I failed miserably and was getting noticably upset until the kind tall blonde man, cigarette clenched tightly between his teeth, said, "Here - I'll do it," took the scissors and began sawing away. Now, I'm not exactly sure what possessed me to do this, but I put my life's blood into this man's hands, my veins within plunging distance of his death blades, and asked him these two questions, in succession:
(1) "Are you Tesco Vee?" His answer: "Yeah!"
(2)"Is what you do just an act, or are you really... that way?" His answer (and remember to write this down for posterior): "Well... I guess I really am that way!" Then he politely finished freeing me from my ornery wristband and returned to his friends, where he amusingly pretended to jam the sewing scissors into his eye. My brush with greatness had reached cessation.
And this EP? Well, it's not the best thing Tesco's ever laid his voice onto. "Crime Pays (The Bills)" is a catchy speed punk-metaller, but "Burp Gun Boogie" and "Anal Face" do jack shim, and "Kill Ugly Naked," though amazing, is still just a cover of an Obsessed song. Oh well. It's just a damn 45 anyway. Nobody said you had to buy it.
Okay, then - "Die Foreign Scum" kicks ass; it's a phenomenal jingoist punk tune. "Big Boob Bonanza" is self-explanatory, and is also about women who have large breasts on their boobs. "Hair Helmet" trashes bald guys, of which Tesco appears to be in no danger of becoming one, lucky pile of height that he are. "Big Giant Cock" is about a male sexual organ, presumably that of Tesco Vee, although it could just as easily be referring to my penis or George Bush. "I Club Baby Seals" is another kickass punk tune. "Jeff Boy R Deee" is a song about Jeffrey Dahmer set to the tune of (sigh) "Yummy Yummy Yummy, I've Got Love In My Tummy." Then, "Nothing At All" is a right-on-target parody of all that Wax Trax industrial crap, heralding the age of mechanical music with the stirring refrain, "I ain't singin' 'bout nothing at all!" "Vegetarian On A Stick" is, surprisingly enough, a song about eating a vegetarian. "Fuckin The Dough" is another bubblegum parody, this one replacing Tommy James And The Shondells' "Draggin' The Line" with new words about a Mexican pizza chef masturbating into the dough.
Hi! I'm Mark Prindle!
"Divide And Conquer" is about screwing 15-year-old girls. Ooh! And how about side two?
"Gang Rape Lullaby" isn't nearly as offensive as it sounds; Tesco is actually the victim of the gang rape. "Cold Call" attacks the cruel con men who take advantage of stupid old ladies on the telephone (social commentary!? From TESCO VEE!?). "Big Backyard" was written by a couple other guys in the band, and is pretty much the punk metal equivalent of "Baby's Got Back." "Captain Skid Marks" is a lovely tune about a man who enjoys loosening his bowels while fully clothed. "Baby I'm Gonna Shoot" is a hootin' scorcher about blowing an unfaithful woman's head off - through her vaginal hole. Hmm.
Okay! "Kamikaze Gridlock" is a racially insensitive song about how Japanese people can't drive their fucking gook way out of a shitting paper bag, the slants (Fuck you, the slopes!). "King Carnivore" is a bubbly celebration of the meat-eating lifestyle, "Streetsweeper" is a relatively calm number about a boy and his gun, and "Toiling In The Underground" is a biographical boogie boast about Tesco's musical career, beginning with the classic couplet, "Don't need to be rich... don't gotta be famous. So what if I'm remembered for 'Tooling For Anus'?" See? That's a healthy attitude!
Finally, the album ends with a high-end thrash metal number called "Penal Colony Of Death," which is pretty much just a bunch of psycho-Satanic-popculture mumbojumbo.
There. Did that bore you enough? I apologize, but I wanted you to fully comprehend why I enjoy this record so much. It's hilarious! Who else, I ask you in person, would have the guts to pen the words, "There's a fine brown mist of liquid poop/Spraying from my puckered bung all day." Who? Phil Collins? Steve Winwood? Eleanor Roosevelt? Come now. Or as Tesco would probably put it, knowing him, "Come now - in my mouth, you whore! You hear me? You're a WHORE!"
This would easily in a heartbeat be the finest Tesco product on the shelves if not for the relatively weak melodies. The lyrics are hilarious, but only a handful of the tunes will stick in your head. The rest are weak boring midtempo punk metal things based around three chords you've heard before. I'm glad Tesco replaced these guys, because they weren't terribly creative.
But man, what a funny record! A 10 for the lyrics, a 6 for the music - shove 'em together, divide by 2 and, mister, you've got yourself a grade!
And, hey -- thanks!
WAIT A SECOND! These are some of the grossest lyrics I've ever heard in my life! Look at this!
"I gaze in twisted lust torment as she makes into a pink deco chalice bored to deliver the sweet muddy intoxicating poop-gas and chunky scat nectar in a love torrent upon my chained and straining countenance"
"I'm gonna fuck you, fuck you/Stick my dick every place/When I come, piss on your face"
"They'll stone ya when yer on the crapper bowl/They'll stone ya when yer poundin' fishy holes"
"Pop pop pop a boner/Make her bleed and cum/Pop pop pop a hymen/Cherries by the ton"
"Beat meat, toilet seat/Spunky spit is creamy sweet/Porno films, big screen clit/Amped to forfeit my own jit"
"Big butt! Bad breath! Tuna bush! That's all we need!"
I take back everything I ever said about anything, ever.
Bobby(Tescoe) is now dealing Antique Toys in Mich.
I'm still playin round....Norm is married and happy...and Mark Davis is Lost in D.C somewhere....
Thanx for having the Meat on your site....
Moving on, the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" parody, "We Hate This Riff," would be a wonderfully cathartic kick in the nose of shit bands like Bush and Candlebox if not for the fact that they've altered the riff just enough to avoid both getting sued and having anything even remotely resembling a catchy song. You hate this riff? Good. So do I! And I like Nirvana.
They're not all bad, though, and don't let anybody tell you that they are. "Blowjobs Ain't Cheatin'" and "Fast Food Fist Fuck" are peen-splittingly hilarious speedball rants, "Plague Upon The Earth" is a death metal number that succeeds in a way that "Pillar Of Sodom" just doesn't, and the straight-as-a-rock cover of Venom's "Evil In A League With Satan" is not only punchy and tough, but probably the greatest choice of cover tune they've ever done. The others aren't too hot, though. No biggy. The next album of all new tracks will probably kick.
Mick Ronson was Bowie's mainstay guitarist in the 70's. I think he was in Mott The Hoople too at some point (but then what British guitarist wasn't? Frampton...Ian Hunter...etc...etc..)
I assume Morrisey was gay. I don't know about Ronson.
Ronson was producing Your Arsenal whilst battling liver cancer... Instead of resting and trying to become well, he put his energies into finishing Morrisey's album. Then commenced work on his own (3rd) solo album, released posthumously.
And don't forget to check out the 108 other band reviews on my site!!!! E me!!!
As it doesn't seem to operate terribly smoothly on my TRS-80, I'm going to refine rebuke revoke what's the word I'm trying to think of confer rebime rebummel reject I'm going to reeeeeefer re.....re.....re.....re....reFRAIN!!!
As it doesn't seem to operate terrible Smoothies on my Commodore 64, I'm going to refrain from reviewing the CD-ROM portion. As far as I can tell, it's a bunch of funny photos, old flyers, band member info and live Meatmen footage -- all tied together by Tesco Vee dressed as Satan and saying horrifically unfunny things in a stupid fake accent. But the music is worth reviewing! So let's do just that!
But first let me tell you about me. My psyhopatarithologist put me on this drug designed to treat schizophrenia (even though I don't have schizophrenia, and even if I did, I wouldn't have a bunch of characters in my head who all get stranded at a motel during a rainstorm and get murdered one by one) and it is REALLY making me a not very good person. So not good in fact that I'm going to begin weening myself off of it today, without even alerting my psychopaleontologist. But what do I mean "not a very good person"? What I mean is that all of my thoughts are focused solely on ME. On how other people perceive ME. I have no real feelings toward or about anybody else other than how happy they make ME. If I choose to do something nice (like the $22 tip I left the depressed waiter at the restaurant last night -- on a $38 check), I want credit for it, and I'm doing it solely to improve peoples' perceptions of me. My every thought and spoken word is about me. You'd think that I'm making an elaborate joke about the new Madonna album, but I'm not. Unlike the "Material Witness Girl," most of my self-focused thought is extremely negative -- beliefs that people think I'm stupid because I pause for thought too many times when I talk, my Tae Kwon Do teacher thinks I'm a spaz because I have trouble memorizing which moves in the Dun Goon Hyung form should be in front-stance and which should be in back-stance (I finally figured it out btw, but that doesn't mean my BODY remembers when to shift!) -- and all of this sort of veers back around on itself to where I'm thinking about people thinking of me so much that I become almost paralyzed. Like the other day at work, when I was in a meeting and began focusing 100% on the fear that I would become so focused on not pausing for thought while speaking that I would never be able to speak again -- on the strength of mental handicap alone. I didn't even really put two (medication change) and two (having no control over my constantly inward thoughts) together until my wife last night pointed out my recent strange behavior. And suddenly it all came together -- the way I've been too impatient to wait for others' conversations to end before butting in to speak with one of them about something else entirely -- the way I've been stopping my sentences while speaking to ruminate on the fact that I've stopped my sentence while speaking -- the way I seem to
Oh but there I go again. I'm trailing off - this drug is too weird and I don't like the person it's turned me in to. I'm not sure what physical part of the brain it acts on, but if anything, I'm getting the feeling that the pill is PRO-schizophrenic because this brain in my body isn't acting like the one I'm used to! I don't FEEL the same. I FEEL like somebody I hate. So if your psychocandyist tries to put you on an anti-schizophrenic drug whose name I can't remember, Just Say No! (to those drugs).
This Meatmen EP features eight songs from the later-period slickish fake-sounding punk metal version of the band. The title track is a funned-up Venom cover pulled from War of the Superbikes II. The next two are from a split EP with Boris the Sprinkler (who covered the Ramones' End of the Century and whose singer Reverend Norb is linguistically a Tesco Vee ripoff), and are great short hilarious gross songs about drugs and masturbation (written by Reverend Norb!) and getting your wife to shut up and suck (sic) suck (sick) fuck. Oh, and then there are two new tracks with lead vocals by the late Bianca Butthole from Butt Trumpet. In retrospect, her vocals on "Caucasian Guilt" were pretty adorable, but in these two ("Butt-Trumpet Express" and "Strap On"), she just sounds like a gross talentless fatso. That still doesn't mean I'm glad she's dead though. She was way too young. Finally, the CD closes down shop with three tracks from the infriggingpossible-to-find Toilet Slave CD.
I really like the Meatmen. There's nearly no reason I should, yet I do. I wish Tesco would get something together and put out a new record! Who's with me?
(*the simultaneous silence of every living creature on Earth causes the entire planet to implode, due to some sound wave-related phenomena that I'm not going to bother explaining, like that psychologist in Identity who doesn't bother explaining how he has managed to force ten multiple personalities to "confront each other" or how he "knew there would be violence" or why this treatment didn't magically occur to him until "24 hours before the guy's execution."*). And don't you DARE bitch at me for ruining Identity for you. You should buy me dinner for saving you the 10 bucks and two hours you would have wasted on that piece of absolute SHIT.
I never met anyone who was as knowledgeable about punk and heavy metal than Bob. There was a club called Club DooBee in nearby Haslett that featured hardcore bands in the early 80s. The Meatmen were a staple there and all the big names of the era appeared at one time or another during the club's brief heyday. He knew all the players personally - Jello Biafra from Dead Kennedys, Lee Ving from Fear, Keith Morris from Circle Jerks and Henry Rollins from Black Flag as well as the members of the Bad Brains, Husker Du, Flipper, Avengers, China White, Agent Orange and on and on and on. I got to meet many of these people and found them, like Bob, to be relatively normal and that all the angst and hostility were merely stage personas. His influence still resonates with me after more than 20 years. I'll never meet another personality like him.
"What in God's Christ could be on this thing, filling up three ludicrous hours of my important time generally spent earning imperative money?," somebody somewhere might be wondering. Well, here's just a sampling of the sights and sores your eyes will wreak:
- Live footage spanning his entire career, including:
* Very early footage of the original Meatmen line-up performing "I've Got A Problem," "I'm Glad I'm Not A Girl" and "Toolin' For Anus." This line-up looks exactly like the caricature of the band on the cover of We're The Meatmen... And You Suck!! The bassist is indeed short and squat, and Tesco is indeed impossibly tall and filled with ridiculous skinny energy. I LOVE THIS FOOTAGE!
* 1983 performance of "Blow Me Jah" with Tesco mocking Loverboy and looking extremely drunk and/or exhausted.
* 1985-86 metal line-ups performing "What's This Shit Called Love" (with intro sung by Tesco through a giant Elvis poster, right after he demonstrates his homemade 'Urinal Bag'), "War of the Superbikes" (with Tesco dressed like an Abominable Snowman), "Pillar Of Sodom" (with Tesco air guitaring on a giant cardboard penis reading 'ASS BANDIT'), "Abba, God & Me" (with drum solo), an a capella version of "Mr. Tapeworm" (am I nuts or is Tesco wearing a bullet vest full of dildos here?), "Meatmen Stomp," "Lesbian Death Dirge" and a goofy Slayer parody (twice). This footage is just bizarre - the stage is bathed in bright lights and dry ice, one of the guitarists looks straight out of Motley Crue, and another appears to be a BLACK guy! What on Earth were these seemingly serious hair metallers doing in a band with Tesco Vee!? It's equally bizarre to see former Minor Threater Lyle Preslar making gross sex faces and sharing the stage with Tesco's Ian McKaye impersonation.
* 1993 Tesco Vee's Hate Police performing "Big Giant Cock" (with expected prop) and "Die Foreign Scum," alongside Tesco apologetically asking the audience to forget "the last 8 years - that rock crap I was doing."
* 1994 Meatmen line-up performing "Real Men Hang To The Right," "Tesco's Tender Love Ballad" and Gang Green's "Alcohol" (aided by Gang Green's Chris Doherty himself!). For once, Tesco appears to be in a band of like-minded musicians -- they even wear silly costumes like him!
* 2007 older heavier Tesco and new Meatmen line-up performing The Suck Trilogy ("Crippled Children Suck," "French People Suck" and "Camel Jockeys Suck").
- The original (godawful) '80s video for "Centurions Of Rome" (which the band refers to as 'the $20,000 slap in the face'), along with newly-created videos for "Pope On A Rope," "Toolin' For Anus," "Camel Jockeys Suck," "I Want Drugs," "Crippled Children Suck" and "Men, Meat & Fire"
- A laugh-til-you-fall-on-the-floor Meatmen docu-drama called VH1's "Behind The Nonsense" interspersed with fascinating old commercials for toys like Beep Benny, Big Loo, Rockem Sockem Robots, Robot Commando and the Great Garloo (as well as a ridiculously racist fake commercial for 'Country Club Malt Liquor' featuring Tesco dressed as a 'jig') (his words, not mine)
- An entire endless episode of Tesco's fucking GODAWFUL TV show Way USA, insanely intended for late-night airing on MTV. Sweet Jesus, is this a bad show; it alone drags this DVD's grade down from an 8 to a 7. It's filmed on Super-8 so the whole thing looks like a cheap early '70s porno, Tesco's persona and wordplay are at their least funny and most annoying EVER, and the entire thing is focused on Baltimore of all unnecessary cities. He gets a few witty quotes out of John Waters, but the rest of the overlong episode (trips to strip clubs and costume stores, interviews with local entertainers) is a colossal bore.
- Out-of-nowhere comedy segments: At one point, cut-outs of Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer meet each other in a yard and have a long paranoid conversation before Manson winds up in a pot on a Dahmer's stove. Another segment finds Tesco and his friends/family putting insulting (and hilarious) words into ABBA's mouths for about 10 minutes!
- "Tesco Vee For President" propaganda: everything from scripted Man-On-The-Street testimonials (including a hilarious 'True Grit' trailer-dweller wearing a 'Bags Of Shit Are People Too' t-shirt) to negative campaign ads making fun of Hillary's thighs and showing Obama smoking crack
- Tesco dressed as Satan, making rude comments like "Glenn Danzig? He called his last album 666 because that's how many copies it sold!" and trying to appear diabolical while his (Tesco's) real-life wife and daughter keep pestering him to lend them money and mow the lawn. (Best scene: Satan vacuuming the living room and whining to the cameraman, "Turn it off! I don't want them to see me like this.")
- Tesco showing off his possessions: cars, motorcycle, toys, Satan figurine collection, Jesus paintings, little black guys with big penises, etc.
- Tesco appearing (and behaving like a normal human being for once) on a local TV show called Collector's Showcase. Did you know that Tesco sold most of his expensive hardcore records in order to fund an ever-growing collection of rare toys? He did indeed!
- Tesco's 20-year-old son Dane in a couple of funny scenes mocking the idea of having Tesco Vee as a father. (One ends with an off-screen Tesco walking forward to rest a comforting hand on his weeping son's shoulder... while wearing a gigantic strap-on)
- A touching (and serious) segment dedicated to Bunde, Tesco's favorite dog of all time. Bunde was indeed a cutie!
- The statement "Being on tour is like having your head up your mother-in-law's bunghole."
Skip Way Out USA and you'll come away from the experience thinking, "Say, Tesco Vee has some terrible songs, but he sure is funny!" Include Way Out USA in your viewing, however, and you'll probably come out absolutely loathing the guy.
Not that that happened to me. I still love him! And his disgusting sexual patter is much easier-to-take in live footage than on record because it just comes across as so intentionally awkward -- he's not a Roger Daltrey Super-God Rock Star Sexist joking with the boys about gigantic tits; he's a tall goofball dressed in a ridiculous costume and making 'come-on lines' so gross and ridiculous that even girls would probably find them amusing.
Besides, it's THREE HOURS LONG! And you never know what's coming up next! Well, you have kind of an idea since I just told you about most of it -- but you don't know what ORDER it's in! And, as Robert Frost once told me, "that makes all the difference."
Granted, he was telling me to pump the shaft but the sentiment still applies.
Okay, that conceit wore thin a lot quicker than I anticipated. This is unfortunate, as I'm now seven paragraphs short with nothing to say.
Wait! Hold the smokes! I could talk about the album!
The Meatmen now consist of vocalist Tesco Vee, guitarist Big Dick Fontaine, bassist Stinky Penis, and drummer The Pit Viper. The three new members look like Hell's Angels, covered in full beards, greasy hair, denim and probably fleas though none show up in the band photos. Their music sounds less processed than the band's last incarnation, with Fontaine's guitar style seemingly based as much on '70s hard rock as on punk rock. But who knows for sure when the album is ALL COVER TUNES!?!
If you're rolling your ears in disappointment, you're not alone. When I heard the Meatmen were recording a new album, I too was hoping for a batch of hilarious new compositions with titles like "Semen Nose," "Woman With Large Breasts" and "Rim Job, And I'm Not Referring To A Car." But before you write off this CD as a wasted opportunity lost in a nightmare of poor planning, put it in your CD player and give it a spin.
But before you rip it out of the CD player and throw it out the window, try listening past the godawful first two songs, because it actually gets good after that!
First of all, you are never going to find another compilation or covers disc with a mix of artists like this: Swedish sweethearts ABBA... and the Pink Fairies!? Native American psych-rocker J.D. Blackfoot... and Saxon!? Modern honky-tonker Dallas Wayne.... and The Urinals!? Indeed, Tesco and his friends go against all expectations (as he himself points out in the liner notes, "What no T Rex? Slade? MC5? Jerry Reed?") to present the full spectrum and range of Mr. Vee's musical tastes. In 24 tracks, they hit upon not just the expected punk rock and '70s hard rock, but also '50s rock 'n roll, psych, new wave, glam, pop, heavy metal, funk, art-pop, post-punk, folk and country-western.
And obscure!? Well... to ME, anyway! Out of 23 covers (the 24th track is a disgusting fake commercial for a sex store), I can honestly say I'm only familiar with 6 original versions (Blue Oyster Cult's "ME 262," GG Allin's "Highest Power," Motorhead's "Vibrator," Fear's "I Love Livin' In The City," Jimmy Dean's "Big Bad John" and The Fugs' "Slum Goddess"), as well as 2 previous cover versions (Chris Spedding's "Motorbikin'" as covered by Dee Dee Ramone, and Crawling Chaos' "Sex Machine" as covered by Unrest).
Another selling point is that Tesco prefaces several tracks with goofy skits and movie dialogue (Motel Hell and Scum Of The Earth in the first two songs alone!), as well as hiding funny 'Easter Eggs' in a few songs. Here, let me use bullet points so this paragraph doesn't get really long and unwieldy:
Goofy Pre-Song Skits Include:
- a Nazi flight checklist before "ME 262." Why Tesco sounds like a Mexican, I've no idea.
- GG Allin's "Highest Power" bookended by a Church open-mic night announcer. Before the song, she introduces 'Tesco Vee and his Rhythm Disciples'; afterwards, she concludes, "Okey-dokey, moving right along" before introducing Harold Peensapple's Last Supper Puppet Theatre
- A nerdy white man showing up for a party at The Temptations' "Psychedelic Shack" ("Um, hey -- 'bro'!")
- A bit of hilariously inept stage patter before Johnny Thunders' "One Track Mind" ("You kids all -- it's like I'm playin' to uh... fuckin' uh... Jerry -- Jerry Lewis' Parapulegics or whatever the fuck they're called. Ahh, suck my dick.")
- A disgusting beat poem before "Slum Goddess"
Funny 'Easter Eggs' Include:
- David Lee Roth "Runnin' With The Devil" screams during "ME 262" and Black Market Baby's "Downward Christian Soldiers"
- A snatch of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" snuck into the piano solo of Jerry Lee Lewis' "Meatman"
- In "Psychedelic Shack," the slightly altered lyric "Take off your shoes, shit on the floor" (followed by a background cry of "Hey, that's my rug!")
- In "Highest Power," the new lyric "GG Allin's a dead son of a bitch/Now I'M the highest power!"
I'm not sure we need fart noises in both "Meatman" and 10cc's "Worst Band In The World," but what do I know about recording studios and their stringent regulations.
If this is indeed Tesco Vee singing all of these songs, then he shows an unexpected range of singing styles in imitating his musical heroes. In addition to his usual growly asshole delivery, he gives us a big Southern cowboy hat-wearing cowpoke in "Meatman," an anxious clipped-voice attack in Black Randy & The Metrosquad's "Loner With A Boner" and "I Slept In An Arcade," a filthy distorted scream in "Highest Power," mellow melodic vocals in "Worst Band In The World" and probably some other things too, although I suppose his pinched-nose voice is always pretty recognizable so ignore this paragraph.
This is a fun and diverse collection of great songs covered by a silly obscene man and his bearded sidekicks. If you're a Meatmen fan, you will likely enjoy it. Although, as I said, I only know about a third of the original versions, it doesn't seem to me that they ruin any of the songs except for "Slum Goddess" (not that that's ever been one of my favorite Fugs tracks in the first place, but the Fugs turn it into a terrible '60s soul song for some reason -- and it doesn't work!). My only problem is that some of Tesco's favorite songs are godawful. You could take the interchangeable boogie rockers "Meatman," "One Track Mind" and Roky Erickson's "Don't Shake Me Lucifer" -- as well as Thin Lizzy's godawful tuff-rocker "Bad Reputation" -- and throw 'em in a lake as far as I'm concerned. By the way, have you seen how fat and dumb-looking Jello Biafra has gotten recently? Watch this video for proof!
In other Meatmen news, Tesco Vee now has his own Bobble-Head doll! A company called Aggronautix has created funny little bobble-heads for both Tesco Vee and GG Allin, and is working on a two-headed Dwarves doll as well. As Tesco states in the press release, "As a toy collector of two decades, and classic bobble head collector, imagine just how geeked I became, when informed that yours truly would enter the pantheon of 'Throbblehead' punk rock losers, along with poopy soulmate GG Allin!" So if you like collecting silly things, get out $30 and take a look at the Tesco and GG dolls right now!
In even FURTHER ADDITIONAL Meatmen news, they just reissued Gonzo-Hate-Vibe!, Rock 'N Roll Juggernaut, We're The Meatmen And You Still Suck and Pope On A Rope, each with several bonus tracks! Who do they think they are!?
Special forces in an armored car!?
Best,
Alice Cooper
An Album That Nobody Bought
When I heard that he was doing cover songs, I felt ill. Let's look at his past cover work. Though I've heard hundreds of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" covers/parodies, I could make a good case that it is the worst I've ever heard (yes, I've heard the pathetic LuMP version). "Hot Rails to Hell" is 100% inferior to the original. "How Soon Is Now" is fine, but then again, there are better covers available by hot russian fake lesbians (t.a.t.u.) and a band named "Love Spit Love".
About the song selection, most bands cover songs that someone might know in hopes of getting some sales. Not the Meatmen. Let's take Blue Oyster Cult. ME 262? Completely forgettable at best and probably the worst song on their first three album (they didn't start writing real crap till the fourth album). And this is the song I know the best. I tracked down the originals of some of the other songs and they are generally pretty bad.
Now, I haven't heard the whole album, but I heard a recent radio show Tesco was on and played a few of the songs (http://neatneatnoise.blogspot.com/2009_05_01_archive.html). All I heard was unlistenable muck and have no interest in the rest of the album.
